Sister threw DS out of the photo

[HellMc]

My DS (10) has always pulled silly faces in photos, he’s done it since he was a toddler. We tried getting him to stop but it’s like he can’t help himself so we just got on with it. We assumed if we didn’t make a fuss out of it he’s grow out of it but he didn’t. All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh. The only photos we have of him not doing a silly face are the natural ones he didn’t know we were taking.

Anyway yesterday me, DS, sister, her kids and my other sisters son went on a day out a national heritage site. Sister wanted a group photo of all the kids so they all stood together in front of the ruins. Sister then said to DS “either stop pulling faces or stand over there out of the photo” 😱 it came as a shock as everyone was laughing at him initially and then she suddenly got mad. I told her I thought she was being a bit harsh and she said “sorry but I’ve been trying to take a nice photo of them all all day for mum and he’s ruined every one so far”.

I told DS to just this once not pull a face but he continued doing so so sister told him to get out of shot. She then took the photo of the other kids and said “there, finally mum will have a photo for her wall”.

so I said mum would want all the kids together so she said “actually, mum told me to take the pic without your ds if he insisted on pulling a face, she was annoyed with the last lot of photos I took her because he’d ruined them all.

I feel hurt, not just about my sister but also what my mum (his grandma!) has clearly been saying!!

AIBu to feel hurt at DS being excluded from a family photo that is destined for my mums wall??

Sorry to kick you while you're down but this should've been nipped in the bud a long time ago.

Saying 'he's always done it' isn't an excuse.

He's 10 years old - old enough to learn to control himself in these situations and while I think it was a bit of an over-reaction, i understand why your DH lost his shit.

Going forward, if you haven't already, maybe try bribing him with a promise of 'if you do a nice smile for the first one, we'll all do silly faces for the next'?

There you go so he can stop misbehaving for photos.
No toys or treats to bribe him to stop misbehaving for ten seconds just a good old fashioned bollocking.

@berksandbeyond i think that is quite a sad opinion. Having a bit of character doesn't mean you are an arsehole. I don't know, the older I get the more I appreciate the quirky souls in life. In an otherwise well behaved child, what does it matter if he pulls funny faces in photos?

Given that he has done it since he is a toddler and that he does it in school portraits - makes me think it is a bit of a self conscious 'tic' he has, he sort of can't help it. I look at photos of me as child and I always did this awful rictus grin. It was nerves and feeling self conscious - not a desire to spoil the otherwise perfect family photo.

Are you sure he is well behaved usually if he can't follow basic instructions? The photo booth story makes him sound quite badly behaved and you seem to get upset anytime anyone else tells him off. To me telling a child something as simple as not to pull a silly face for a passport photo should be said once and if had to be said again they'd be taking the piss. He probably is generally annoying and you brush it off as being funny..

I mean he'll either learn a lesson from this or he won't. If he doesn't I think you have a problem on your hands - perhaps quite a way in advance but ID, driving licences etc won't be issued and as someone else mentioned schools use them for their systems.

I suspect however you are more upset than he is and it will continue to be his default.

He's 10, not a toddler. He knows how to behave surely? Also knows its nice to have a nice photo.
I can't blame your Sister or mum saying to leave him out if he keeps on ruining it. Maybe this will help teach him, that if he doesn't want to do something nicely then he won't be doing it at all

All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh.
I don’t find it funny at all

So which one is it? Why are you laughing if it's not funny?

Indeed. Bet he got his toy, as well...

Good grief.

Even my DS1 at age 7, who has multiple complex special needs, understood the importance of a sensible passport photo. The expression on his face made it look rather like a mugshot for Borstal, but at least he understood and obliged!

OP your son sounds like he's been indulged adoringly for rather too long.

Not being able to imitate other faces is an autism trait. Not saying he has SEN, but this type of photo situation was one of the main traits that alerted us to get our DC assessed. Turns out there were a lot of other traits we didn’t realise weren’t NT, because our DC was able to mask appropriately in other situations. Not saying it’s the case here, but we didn’t get a diagnosis till DC was 10, when a lot of behaviour that we thought was a bit “silly” turned out to be a whole different neurotype.

I wonder how many classmates parents are getting sick of this shit. Every year, having to buy the massively overpriced photos that are ruined by one attention seeking child in the group. I imagine that most of the other parents assume he has special needs and feel sorry for him.

See this is the thing. Your son is going to be labelled either as having SN, or being an irritating brat.

Either you need to have him assessed for SN so he can get the help he needs, or you need to realise that he’s a brat and start disciplining him accordingly.

So, if you’ve done it yourself, why are you complaining about your sister doing it? You’re not being very consistent, here.

I guess the only way is to just not take any photos until he can keep his face expressionless?

What kind of silly faces are we talking?

No wonder he does it if everyone laughs, he had a choice and he chose to not be in the photo.

Sorry op, but he deserved it. He sounds highly irritating and finally got told off by someone else.

I thought this.
Is he currently without a passport?

He will need a variety of official photos and is surely old enough to start practicing now.

I hope you deleted the photo you took, stop keeping photos of him being silly by you keeping them he is getting the message that it is all right really. When he asks you to take photos of him just refuse.

Have you asked him to explain why he does the silly faces? And if so what has he said?

Was he upset about being left out of the photo your sister took and did he hear what was said about your mother wanting a photo without him being silly in it?

Daft question but have you say down with him at a calm time, asked him why he does it and why he won't stop when asked to?

I think the root of it is since he was a toddler he got lots of attention for it and it's become so ingrained in him now. It's going to be hard to train him out of it and yes, it may involve some telling offs that you don't back down from.

What kind of silly face is he pulling - as I say my FIL a serious NT man in his 40 when I met him always looked odd in photos because he was so tense - even when professionals got him to say cheese.

Plus how long is this silly face there for - I tend to take lots of snaps not just one - so if you take a pic early or series or later is it still there ie is he holding the face is it equivalent to telephone voice or do you feel he can help and is aware he's doing it but for some reason isn't stopping despite upsetting you, his Aunt, Dad and GM at a minimum?

I feel like you have had a bit of a kicking here OP :-( but gently, YABU, you cannot think your sister was out of line here surely? I can see why your mum wanted a lovely picture of her grandchildren on her wall, just the one.

Your son is 10, so old enough to know better, have you asked him why he does it? and explained to him gently, that its ok to do in some scenarios, but others he can't. If it isn't just laughed off or her gets shouted at and it is explained properly to him, he may understand a bit better.

I just think your sister and your husband reached the end of their rope with it that's all, and it seems you maybe defended him so he thinks it was ok? As I said, a chat between the two of you, treat him like a 10yo and it may get through.

I’m really surprised that so many posters think that your DS choosing to pull a daft face is such a big deal in a Family photo. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally, I can’t stand the Selfie generation where everyone has to pose provocatively in front of the camera and especially those women with pursed lips and holding a glass of wine. I think they look seriously tacky and when you see endless minor variations of the wine pose on social media, they look like they’ve got a raging drink problem. 😂

I generally refuse to have my photo taken by anyone and I’ve noticed that my teen DS is now choosing not to actively smile for the camera too.
Fair enough, it’s his choice.

I have autism. He can do the face required as per the Passport photo eventually. Drives me fucking mad that ASD is armchair diagnosed on here at every turn to excuse inadequate parenting. Makes it so much harder for parents with children with ASD

I've just read your last updates. Maybe ask him does he want to practice smiling photos ? Could do it with selfies or mirrors?

Because on that photo it was a group photo of all the kids together and he ended up being excluded.

The ones I’ve refused have just been him.

I only have one class photo of him as he’s been thrown out of the others. The one he’s in he’s close to tears again. He said he wasn’t told off but he clearly was.

I’ve laughed at the single school photos because it’s just become expected now.

Im going to sit him down tonight and tell him the silly faces in photos has to stop as it’s irritating everyone and it’s childish. Then we’ll start practicing normal faces.

Presumably if the 14 yo cousin was doing duck face and perking up her boobs they'd also complain.

If he doesn't want to smile like everyone else he can stand out. If he wants to be in it, he can comply with what the taker is asking.