DD doesn't want to go away with dad

[stanleywine]

DD doesn't want to go away for a week with her dad. She told him a few weeks ago and he flipped so she stopped texting him and that was that. He has texted again letting me know what time he will be picking her up. She's worried sick about him forcing her to go. And I don't know what to say. I won't force her but also don't want to have the conversation with her dad and how he's going to feel because he's looking forward to It. He is taking his other child as well so he can still go.

Back sorry DD hates staying out only stays at her dads twice a month for a night. But sees him through h the week which has changed he sees her every other week now. She won't have sleepovers at friends or her nans house either. How can I tell her dad she's not going or should I be getting her to go?

How old is she?

I ask because if she's over 12 then a judge would allow her to decide whether or not to see dad.

How old is she?

Shes 11 nearly 12.

Her age will make a big difference to the answers you get

She wants to see him but doesn't want to go away for a week from him. Last time she was away (at the same place) 2 years ago she cried to sleep every night and was crying that much she was sick. This morning I went into her room and she said she can't stop thinking about going away & it's worrying her. She said if it was a for a few days she would go. I even offered her dad that I would pick her up after 3-4 days but he said no.

Why does she not like having sleepovers at friends and stuff, does she have SEN?

it would be cruel for him and you to force her to go, i went no contact with my dad at that age for something similar and luckily my mum was always supportive that it was my choice, he may ruin his relationship with her forever if he forces her to go

Hmm i think you should be pushing her to go. But because if shes as uncomfortable as you say with staying away from home anywhere, then you really should be helping her with this, as she gets older, its going to be more expected to stay away from home (school trips, sleepovers etc) so you should be helping her get more comfortable with this before it becomes an issue.

She has anxiety and has done since about year 4 primary. She doesn't like to be away from me & her home. I encourage her all the time to stay out and have to do the same to stay at her dads. She can cope with one night but then she wants to come home from her dads. But she won't stay anywhere else.

I've tried to everything to get her to stay out. It's impossible. Tbh I was the same, until I got into high school & started staying out at friends. I've said everything I could to get her to go away. I think it will be lovely for her to have a holiday as she hasn't had one since 2019 but she's adamant she won't stay for the week.

I've always said it's her choice. I had to force her to go when she was younger and it was heartbreaking but as she's got older I cannot force her it wouldn't be right. I encourage her as much but if she doesn't want to go then I can't.

I would go with what she wants and say she doesn’t have to go. She’s not ready yet.

Once she’s a bit older she might want to stay over at a friend’s, somewhere near home.

That's what I'm hoping. I was the same but as soon as I started high school I couldn't wait to stay a friends houses. She does stay at her dads every other weekend but just for one night.

I don’t think this is hugely unusual, certainly not only a SEN type issue. My DC about the same age doesn’t really like sleeping away from home - a night’s sleepover is OK, a week elsewhere without me & dad (as we’re not separated) and they’re not happy about it. Even in places/with people they love. We encourage DC to go, but I can totally imagine being in this scenario if we were a separated family.

One of DC’s friends came for a sleepover recently and was upset to be away from home (not first time they’ve stayed!) and their parents said it was a recent since-Covid thing, worrying about being away. Both DC did school residential etc. so it’s not been limiting. I think lots of DC can struggle.

And I absolutely wouldn’t force her. I’d reiterate to her father that 3 nights would be OK - he needs to compromise so she can work on feeling more confident. Digging his heels in on this is not cool, he’s not thinking of what’s best for her.

At that age, you shouldn't force her. Is he reasonable or is he a twat? Because if he is reasonable, surely he will come to that conclusion himself - that forcing her is not going to be helpful?

Is it close enough that you could pick her up after 3/4 nights? I think that's what I'd do, I certainly wouldn't force her to stay.

Does she have her own phone so she can contact you?

What usually happens is kids grow older and decide to push themselves. Pushing kids often entrenches behaviour and causes more problems in the long run.

I was your daughter. I don’t have SEN, I just got really homesick. I hated sleepovers. It was really hard when I went to uni, but it got better with time. For those saying to push it you are absolutely and completely wrong. Being homesick is a wretched feeling, but you do grow out of it.
At about your DDs age I decided I didn’t want to stay with my dad on holiday for exactly the same reasons. Unfortunately my dad took my mum to court over it because he was convinced that she was stopping me seeing him and it honestly wasn’t like that. In the end after the involvement of a social worker I was allowed to choose for myself, and I opted for no contact because I couldn’t believe he wanted to try and force the situation. It could have been so different if my dad had understood. We do get on well now so all was not lost.
My suggestion would be for your DD to have a week with her dad at some point but going out on day trips each day. If your ex doesn’t live nearby he can stay in a hotel.

I think she’s told you what she wants. She’s explained her reasons, you say you understand and were similar.

I think she needs someone in her corner. It might mean an uncomfortable conversation with your ex but I think you need to do it.

Im a grown up and for years my husband wouldn’t listen to me or take my feelings into account. It’s a horrible feeling and the only way I can resolve it is to leave him.

Theres a fine line between encouraging and forcing children to do things. I think showing girls they can have boundaries and autonomy is more important than ever these days.

Is her dads insistence she go, truly because he thinks it’s the right thing for her, or because parenting will be easier for him with two children? Or he just likes to be in charge?

You know your child best. I think she should be allowed to do just a couple of days if that’s what’s she feels ok about. If you don’t stick up for her now, she may not feel she can open up to you or rely on you when other problems arise.

Shes nearly 12 which I think is old enough to know her own mind. There’s a lot of stuff still to come at this age for pre and teenage girls. I think you two really need to be a tight unit.

We had similar with my 11 year old DSD. She hasn't wanted to come to me and her dad's house for a while, then didn't come on a recent holiday and stayed with her mum. DH was hurt and upset but told her it was fine. She's since gone on another trip with him. My other DSD is younger and happily coming still so could be that age. She wants her home comforts and her base, I understand and I think her dad is coming round to it too.

She does have a phone and I got her one for this reason when she started staying at her dads so could contact me but the place she's going there's no signal so wouldn't be able to use it.

He thinks she should just want to go and be happy he has no idea or understand the anxiety she has. He will 100% argue with me about and will probably say something to DD.

What about wifi?