DD doesn't want to go away with dad

[stanleywine]

DD doesn't want to go away for a week with her dad. She told him a few weeks ago and he flipped so she stopped texting him and that was that. He has texted again letting me know what time he will be picking her up. She's worried sick about him forcing her to go. And I don't know what to say. I won't force her but also don't want to have the conversation with her dad and how he's going to feel because he's looking forward to It. He is taking his other child as well so he can still go.

Back sorry DD hates staying out only stays at her dads twice a month for a night. But sees him through h the week which has changed he sees her every other week now. She won't have sleepovers at friends or her nans house either. How can I tell her dad she's not going or should I be getting her to go?

@10HailMarys

The OP hasn't undermined her ex at all she said her dd stays at her dads twice a month. She also stated her DD is willing to go for 3 days which she is encouraging but it's her ex that isn't happy with that compromise as it's not what HE wants it's not about what he wants contact should be child focussed which is what op is doing him not. If her ex was child focussed and thought of his DDs needs/wants he would be happy with his DD being comfortable spending a few nights more than she does at the moment as that's progress and mabye if he continued supporting his DD with her anxiety like that then eventually she will be comfortable with a weeks holiday!

I think suggesting the 3 day compromise was a great idea. But if your DD doesn't want to go OP then she doesn't want to go.
My friend has an 11 year old DD who won't do sleepovers but in her case she still sleeps in her mum's bed every night so the situation is very entrenched.

I have received NHS CBT for anxiety. What they call “exposure therapy” is gradual by definition, no one would suggest throwing you into a lake if you are afraid, but gradual contact with water etc. See this

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/how-it-works/

In the OP’s case, the idea would translate into staying with dad during the day and making him sleep nearby as a pp suggested, then planning a single night away again nearby and so on, only moving to the next step once the previous is fully mastered.

Forcing a whole holiday in one go is crazy and counterproductive.

@StarCourt pretty much same verdict here.. Social services have spoken to him regards what they consider to be his emotionally abusive and damaging communications but he ''disagrees'' and insists it's her being unreasonable as she should just be happy to see him / stay with him. If you're facing the same I really feel for you and your DD.. it's torture.

I think people are confusing homesickness with anxiety and they are not the same thing, I don’t think.
Homesickness is a developmental thing that most people grow out of in their own time and it’s different for everyone.
I hated sleepovers, I had an awful holiday with a friend when I was in upper primary because I was just longing to get back and staying at my Dad’s was the same. I just wanted to go home. I did grow out of it eventually in my own time but I’m so glad I wasn’t forced into anything, and I’m glad the court allowed me to decide for myself about visiting my Dad.

Just tell him, she wants to keep seeing you but doesn't want to say away from home at the moment, tell him her hormones are coming into play or something and just leave her until they settle down, she will still see you for days out ect. X

I wonder how all the mums saying listen to DD and if she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and the DD was living with the father and refusing to see the mother.

My dsd14 has refused to see my dh for 3 years in similar circumstances. They had a great relationship then when she was 11 she completely terminated her relationship with him and has never given a proper reason. It completely devastated him.

Children should always be encouraged by both parents to spend time with the other one. If my ds was refusing to on holiday with me for a week I'd be really upset.

That would be a red flag for me.

She knows where he wants to go and that she will be out of contact, I'd be nervous about that and I'm 55 and have travelled a lot solo.

I say this with a heavy heart.

My daughter was 11. Didn't want to go away with her dad, had a few nights reluctantly each month but felt she absolutely couldn't cope with a week.

I had no idea of the hidden scale of the issues going on with her.

The stress contributed to a mental health breakdown and she never returned to school. It was that significant.

Obviously there were other factors at play but I really underestimated the significance of her not wanting to go with him.

If I could turn back time I would say to him that she's old enough to make this decision. That you will fully support her and back her in this.

Having walked the long path of disintegrated mental health, I'd say prevention is 100 times better than trying to mend them afterwards.

She is now an adult and still struggles.

My dd never wanted to go for sleepovers when she was younger as she missed home. She always went to stay at her Dads 2 times a month though.
When she was around 10/11 she decided she didn’t want to go on holiday with him for a week, I offered to do a 10 hour drive to pick her up after 2/3 nights of the holiday if she decided she wanted to come, which she was happy with but her Dad didn’t like the idea so went on the holiday without her. Luckily for us, he is normally happy to do whatever she is happy with and didn’t force it.
Now that she is older and would happily go, she doesn’t get invited for long holidays with them and I can see that upsets her a little bit.
I would completely listen to your dd and do what she feels happy and comfortable with.

what do you mean by a proper reason?

Is there actually any reason your husband would accept as valid?
When you read the other posters do think all of should have been forced/ were right to be forced regardless of anything the child expressed.

we all understand it’s upsetting, but the Dad in this situation could do loads of things to maintain rather than hurt his relationship with his child.

@FreudayNight she simply says I don't want to. That's it. No child completely erases a parent from their lives just because they want to surely?

A proper reason would be something he could work on and fix maybe?

When you say he could be doing plenty of things to help the relationship, what are these things? I'm not being facetious or anything I genuinely want to know because the last 3 years have been really hard.

He already texts and writes to her, she ignores every one.

He gives her a card and some money on each birthday and Christmas.

He's currently in the process of going through the court, they're going to do a Section 7 report to check there's no alienation from the mums side but tbh I think this is all DSDs choice. She was always a wilful and independent child.

What more should he do?

Like others this was me at that age. I absolutely hated having to go away with my dad for holidays. I used to cry myself to sleep every night and I don't have nice memories. I do think it damaged our relationship as well, not having my feelings respected.

There are also many kids with anxiety who don't want to go to school. Being a supportive parent doesn't mean that you don't get your child support and help them to cope and manage that anxeity versus allowing them to avoid any anxiety related situations - regardless of the impact.

It seems many of you are saying OP should never push or expect her daughter to do anything she doesn't want to. So if she doen't want to go to dads or to school or to leave the house etc, then you must respect her wishes. In reality, that isn't healthy. Same as if the child said mom now makes her anxious and she doesn't want OP to talk to her anymore. You can't always just say okay, child, we will let your anxiety make all the decisions for your life. Relationships with parents, school etc are places where adults need to sometimes help their children to do things that are hard or uncomfortable versus giving in to their anxiety and allowing them to avoid it.

Text him

”I’ve done my best to persuade her to come for the whole week, but she really is uncomfortable with that length. Don’t take it personally. She just gets very anxious and you know she won’t stay with friends or other relatives for the same reason. Yes we could force her, but I really think that will damage your relationship with her. At the moment she loves seeing you and she loves you, but she just can’t cope with being away for long. If you force her then her anxiety will make her resent you or even worse. Please be understanding about this and don’t give her a hard time. She’ll love you the more for it. I’ve managed to persuade her to go for x period, then I’ve agreed to pick her up. Obviously she can stay longer if she feels comfortable and we’ll pack for the whole week, but I need to hear that she wants to stay longer from her, herself. Also if she can’t manage x time, I trust you to put her feelings above yours or mine, and I’ll come to collect her earlier. If you don’t let her come home if she wants to, she’ll likely never trust you again in the future, which would be a real shame for your relationship. Please don’t respond instantly to this message as I know you’ll be upset to hear this. Think about it from her point of view and what’s best for your relationship going forward. She really loves you but we need to work with her anxieties and do this gradually. Hopefully she’ll be more confident in the future, but she probably won’t be if we force her to do things when she’s not in the right mental space. Let me know what you think, after you’ve given it a bit of thought.

@Midlifemusings in theory what you say can be correct. However there are many shades of anxiety depending on the person and situation and these shades can change in complexity. It really isn't a one size fits all and I don't think OP is being OTT or pandering to her DD. Her DD needs at least one parent she can trust and confide in who listens to her.

I am not saying OP should force DD to go on this holiday however based on what OP has said, it is anxiety that is the issue and it is interfering with the child's bility to maintain a relationship with her own father. Again, saying okay if you don't want to do to school becayse it makes you anxious then you don't have to go isn't the only way for a parent to be a parent the child can trust / confide in. Sometimes when kids have health issues, and anxiety is a health issue, avoiding it and just letting the child decide to stay unwell regardless of the impact, is not the right decision. What if OPs child says she doesn't want mom to ever leave her, she wants mom at home all day. Mom doesn't necessarily have to quit her job and stay home to be sure she doesn't break trust. You don't have to give in to her anxiety to be a good parent. Allowing anxiety to run the house and the child's life is not healthy for anyone. OP needs to get professional healthcare for her daughter to ensure the anxeity doesn't damage the relationship withher father, or her education or jeapordize OP's own employment.

I know many on here think father's are irrelevant and she has a mother so there is no need for her to see her father or her sibling if she doesn't want to because of her anxiety. That she should allow her anxious thinking to decide what she does and who she sees or doesnt' see, including immediate family but ultimately that isn't the ideal response no matter how disposable people think father's are. Years later she may really regret that her relatioship with her dad is poor or non existent because her anxiety was allowed to dictate her life and decisions

Of course fathers aren't irrelevant but sometimes the way they parent/behave causes anxiety, because they have their own interests at heart instead of their child's. But if they aren't prepared to listen, admit to it or change then what's to be done?

I definitely have not. I had blazing arguments with ex about her not wanting to go places with him. Never once have I forced her since she was baby to stay or go anywhere with anyone she doesn't want to. I've had her back 100% and got her help through school and explained this to her dad who just doesn't understand how a child can have anxiety. His family is very small mostly male and not loving or emotionally involved so he just can't get his round how someone can feel like this. I've tried my hardest to explain it to him.

I have 🙄 I've told him he's not going I was asking for advice on how to handle it because I'm pretty sure he thinks it's me stopping her from going and not actually the fact she just doesn't want to go.

He wouldn't take it to court. There's been plenty of times I've said she doesn't want to go places or stay at his. He's had a kick off about it to me over text in the past but would never take it to court.

So I should force her to go somewhere she doesn't want to be for a week? I'm constantly encouraging her to stay at friends, her grandparents and forever encouraging her to stay a weekend at her dads and now to go on this holiday because I think she will have a lovely time. I can't forcibly drag her and pin her in the car and dad speed off.

@Rowen32 I said to dad I will pick her up after 3 days after I discussed this with DD and she was happy with this. Dad isn't happy he just can't see it from her point of view and nothing is good enough.

She had therapy at school and I attended a course for parents with children who has anxiety. She got over the anxiety about going to school and leaving me. I'm hoping as she gets older she will start staying out more but again that's up to her and I wouldn't force it. It's hard when I'm doing my best and taking all the steps and her dad doesn't understand it.

How so? Please enlighten me?