DD doesn't want to go away with dad

[stanleywine]

DD doesn't want to go away for a week with her dad. She told him a few weeks ago and he flipped so she stopped texting him and that was that. He has texted again letting me know what time he will be picking her up. She's worried sick about him forcing her to go. And I don't know what to say. I won't force her but also don't want to have the conversation with her dad and how he's going to feel because he's looking forward to It. He is taking his other child as well so he can still go.

Back sorry DD hates staying out only stays at her dads twice a month for a night. But sees him through h the week which has changed he sees her every other week now. She won't have sleepovers at friends or her nans house either. How can I tell her dad she's not going or should I be getting her to go?

Reinforcing her anxiety is all you're doing by not encouraging her to go.

Avoidance of situations that give her anxiety is a short term fix, it's not going to help her long term and tbh I think you're not dealing with this very well.

Don't make her go, it will only make the anxiety worse and make it harder for her to get over it in the future..
I would start asking her what would help her feel safe to stay away and take steps towards that so in that in time, a week doesn't feel too much to her but honestly, in my experience, forcing her to go is not the way to help her xx

Unless she has worked on this, either with you or a therapist, you are not reinforcing her anxiety, you are showing her she can be safe in her world..
Try to find the underlying root causes, EFT is good and work on it for the future..
She needs strategies to get past it and to help her when he is away.
If someone was scared to go on a plane helping them work through that is infinitely better than sending them on a flight.

My experience of DCs' anxiety is that too much pushing is massively counterproductive and entrenches the fear. I know pushing a bit can sometimes work but it sounds like you're past that point. Someone who hasn't had an anxious child would no doubt say we're coddling, but my DC can manage SO much more when they are not pushed but allowed to go at their own pace.

There are DC in most primary school years who don't feel able to go away on residentials etc. Most of them will be fine to do trips later in secondary, or go to uni, or whatever. When they want to do it for themselves and have more control over it, it becomes so much easier.

It puts you in a very difficult position.

I think this situation rather suits you op

I don't think you are wrong not to make her go. I had similar and my daughters counsellor asked me just to back her decision and show her I was listening to her. She built up to longer trips away with her dad within a couple of years in her own time.

Like hell it is. I take you don't have a particularly anxious child?

Plus OP said she has encouraged her for years. Now her DD is older and this is her limit, her boundaries start here.

She is old enough to decide and explain. Forcing her to go now would be encouraging DD to be walked all over in future.

Her father should understand this. He is the one not handling it very well.

@stickygotstuck

Official guidance for those with anxiety is to actively challenge their anxiety

Giving in to the maladaptive thoughts is counter productive

It doesn't matter what you think

There is official advise and it's the opposite of what the OP is doing

You dont have to feel bad here you and she has been reasonable in suggesting a compromise of 3 days and then you pick her up. If he wont agree to that then so be it you have tried.

Anxiety is so much more complex and varied than having a simple catch-all way to deal with it. This "official advise" on how to deal with anxiety doesn't sound right.

@JenGin

Find me one therapist or Dr who says people with anxiety should just not do things they're worried about.

It's a short term 'fix' and actively works against most patients long term prospects of successful treatment.

I understand that your DD is anxious (I was a pretty anxious child myself) but I also think that staying with her dad should not be thought of us 'staying out' as you describe. He is her father. She isn't a visitor in his home, she is his child. Since the moment you split with your ex, you should have been making sure that she is aware it's no more weird for her to be sleeping at his house than it is for her to be sleeping at yours, and that her father's house is as much her home as your house is, even if she spends less time there.

I agree with what a PP said - that this situation rather suits you. I think perhaps you probably aren't even quite aware of this, but the way you're talking about you and your DD very much presents you and your DD as a very close-knit and dependent unit, with her father as an outsider who is trying to break that up. It doesn't sound like you actually want your DD's relationship with her father to be as close as her relationship with you, and I think perhaps, subconsciously, you are pandering to her anxiety a little bit for that reason.

@10HailMarys I think you'll find it's her dad's job to make sure his DD feels his house is her home also not her mum's job!!

Find me a one therapist or Dr who says people with anxiety should just "get on with it". Different people have different ways of coping with anxiety which all vary wildly and any decent therapist or Dr will know what coping mechanisms need to be tailored to the individual.

The anxiety is a red herring.

She doesn’t want to go and that is enough.

@CheeseyToasts my DD's therapist actually tells her she doesn't have to see her dad if she doesn't want to.
You can't tar all forms of anxiety and the reasons for it with one brush!
And what is this accepted guidance ??

Is it possible you could have a ‘meeting’ with ExH DD and yourself? DD could explain she doesn’t want to stay for longer than a couple of days. That its not him, she wouldn’t want to stay for longer than a few days even if it was with her best friend or a grandparent. Alternatively could she go out daily with her dad but sleep at her own home? Are you near enough ( in distance) for that to be a solution?

Anxiety is so much more complex and varied than having a simple catch-all way to deal with it. This "official advise" on how to deal with anxiety doesn't sound right.

@JenGin Hello! Anxiety sufferer here! One who has had various treatments for anxiety. I have never had any treatment for anxiety that says 'Don't do the things that make you anxious'. It is absolutely about having to do things that make you anxious. The whole point is that anxiety is irrational and that you need to change your mindset around the things you are doing and why you fear them, and you need to actually do them. If you're taught that you don't have to do things if you're anxious about them, that just validates your anxiety and makes you think it's a normal state of affairs, when it really isn't. Ordinary anxiety is a rational response to a risk or uncertainty - for example, it's normal to be nervous before an important exam or a confrontational conversation. But clinical anxiety is irrational, and it has to be understood by the patient as such and not rationalised as something that's normal.

I'm not saying it's as black and white as "don't do things", the same way it isn't as black and white as "do things".

One thing maybe be too much of a trigger and would be best avoided at this stage while something else might be more manageable and it would be best to tackle that particular thing head-on.

It's way too complex and varied to simply say "tackle it head on" about every single thing that is causing someone anxiety, which is the comment I took issue with.

I think your suggestion about picking her up after 3/4 nights is the best one. DS also suffers from anxiety and also has a dad (my DH) who doesn’t really get it. There’s always a need to balance encouraging to step outside their comfort zone and pushing them too far. We are currently on holiday and DS would really much rather be at home but not fair on the rest of us to not go on holiday so we compromise by staying part of the time somewhere we’ve been lots of times before as he’s then a bit less anxious. But have now got to the point where he’s quite miserable and so I will be glad to go home this weekend!

As an aside, I'm new on here so currently unsure of the mumsnet etiquette!

Is it preferable to @ someones name when responding to them rather than quoting the entire post?

@StarCourt It's both of their jobs. But the point here is that the father clearly is trying to do that. He wants her to stay with him and to go on holiday with him and to feel comfortable with him.

But that's being undermined by the OP giving the impression that staying with Daddy is akin to 'staying out' like it's a school trip or a sleepover, and validating her DD's anxiety by telling her it's OK that, at nearly 12, she is scared to spend a night with her own parent. From day one, when the OP's DD said she didn't like being away from home, the response should have been 'Oh, but sweetheart, you're not going to be away from home! You've got two homes, one with Daddy and one with me' rather than 'Well, if you don't like staying out, we'll tell Daddy you don't want to visit him for a sleepover'.

Imo the relationship with her df will suffer if she is forced to go. Her df needs to respect her and how she feels about sleep overs
Her relationship with you will suffer if you don't support her decision to say no.
As a secondary school age dc she should have more say in her life choices imo.

In precisely what way?

Precisely.

@CheeseyToasts

There are 'aceptable' and 'unacceptable' levels of anxiety. For each specific person in eaxh situation.

I've seen both in DC. It is extremely hard to differentiate sometimes, even with two hyper vigilant parents. But there's been a few times where 'encouragement' has been hugely, hugely counter-productive. As in long-term effects, ten steps back (and DC being walked all over by 'friends').

I really doubt any expert (and not all therapists are let's be honest) would advise constantly high levels of cortisol for any brain. Let alone a developing one.