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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD doesn't want to go away with dad

125 replies

stanleywine · 17/08/2022 18:42

DD doesn't want to go away for a week with her dad. She told him a few weeks ago and he flipped so she stopped texting him and that was that. He has texted again letting me know what time he will be picking her up. She's worried sick about him forcing her to go. And I don't know what to say. I won't force her but also don't want to have the conversation with her dad and how he's going to feel because he's looking forward to It. He is taking his other child as well so he can still go.

Back sorry DD hates staying out only stays at her dads twice a month for a night. But sees him through h the week which has changed he sees her every other week now. She won't have sleepovers at friends or her nans house either. How can I tell her dad she's not going or should I be getting her to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
stanleywine · 17/08/2022 19:22

NoSquirrels · 17/08/2022 19:00

I don’t think this is hugely unusual, certainly not only a SEN type issue. My DC about the same age doesn’t really like sleeping away from home - a night’s sleepover is OK, a week elsewhere without me & dad (as we’re not separated) and they’re not happy about it. Even in places/with people they love. We encourage DC to go, but I can totally imagine being in this scenario if we were a separated family.

One of DC’s friends came for a sleepover recently and was upset to be away from home (not first time they’ve stayed!) and their parents said it was a recent since-Covid thing, worrying about being away. Both DC did school residential etc. so it’s not been limiting. I think lots of DC can struggle.

This makes me feel better. I'm hoping she starts high school and wanting to stay out more. She's even said she won't be going to uni because she doesn't want to stay away from me. I know she's got years ahead before that but that's how strongly she is about staying out.

OP posts:
Original poster
stanleywine · 17/08/2022 19:23

ChimChimeny · 17/08/2022 19:22

What about wifi?

I'm not 100% I just know last time they went I couldn't get intouch with them and they couldn't with me either.

OP posts:
Musti · 17/08/2022 19:23

I would tell her dad that she is super anxious and his choice is either her not go at all or go for 3 nights and if she wants picking up after that you will pick her up and he’ll be fine about it. Give him those choices and that’s it.

Scepticalwotsits · 17/08/2022 19:24

Is the situation with how much he has her based on agreement with him or via court, did he push for less time or did you push for more.

your daughters feeling must take priority but I wonder if part of it is that she doesn’t spend enough time with her dad so the anxiety is worse because it’s a whole week

Original poster
stanleywine · 17/08/2022 19:24

sleepymum50 · 17/08/2022 19:15

I think she’s told you what she wants. She’s explained her reasons, you say you understand and were similar.

I think she needs someone in her corner. It might mean an uncomfortable conversation with your ex but I think you need to do it.

Im a grown up and for years my husband wouldn’t listen to me or take my feelings into account. It’s a horrible feeling and the only way I can resolve it is to leave him.

Theres a fine line between encouraging and forcing children to do things. I think showing girls they can have boundaries and autonomy is more important than ever these days.

Is her dads insistence she go, truly because he thinks it’s the right thing for her, or because parenting will be easier for him with two children? Or he just likes to be in charge?

You know your child best. I think she should be allowed to do just a couple of days if that’s what’s she feels ok about. If you don’t stick up for her now, she may not feel she can open up to you or rely on you when other problems arise.

Shes nearly 12 which I think is old enough to know her own mind. There’s a lot of stuff still to come at this age for pre and teenage girls. I think you two really need to be a tight unit.

We are 100% a tight unit and she knows I have her back whatever she wants. I just didn't know if I was in the wrong with not forcing her etc. I also don't want her dad to think it's me stopping her when I wouldn't do that to him or her.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 17/08/2022 19:46

stanleywine · 17/08/2022 19:21

He thinks she should just want to go and be happy he has no idea or understand the anxiety she has. He will 100% argue with me about and will probably say something to DD.

Show quote history

Maybe it would be good if they did discuss it, so she can explain to him herself?

StarCourt · 17/08/2022 19:50

My DD is 13 and hasn't stayed with her dad for 14 mths and previous to that we had 50/50 shared care.
He used to take her on holiday to his home country for 3 weeks a year which she also hated. She absolutely knows she can see him if and whenever she wants to. But I also make sure she knows she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to.
He blames me. Says I could have put a stop to all this a year ago.
He doesn't think about DD only his own wants.

Rafferty10 · 17/08/2022 19:54

I think it is totally wrong to force her to go away if she doesn't want to , especially in light of her previous experience.
I never had a sleepover as a child as l hated the thought of being away from home,( and was never forced) but at the age of 19 l took a year travelling in Australia and was not homesick once, because l had grown up in my own time and was ready.
I never moved back home and have happily lived alone for a few years in my 20s.
She will be much more traumatised by being forced. Stand up to him, he clearly cares not one iota for the wellbeing of his DD.

GettingItOutThere · 17/08/2022 19:56

as someone who deals with anxiety - please do not force her to go! I have seen what forcing does and it is not pretty!

she IS old enough to tell you what she wants - please support her and tell her it is okay and she does not have to go

Mumwithapub · 17/08/2022 19:58

Teach her how to use a public phone. It may give her reassurance that she has a way of contacting you. There is always reverse charges I think it's 0800 reverse.

WildFlowerBees · 17/08/2022 20:01

Don't force her, stand in her corner and back her if she doesn't want to go. She's is meant to be able to trust you and if she doesn't want to be away for a week whatever her dad thinks, your dd reasons are valid and I would be telling your ex she's not going. Be her advocate not someone who pushes her to do things she's uncomfortable with.

Original poster
stanleywine · 17/08/2022 20:11

StarCourt · 17/08/2022 19:50

My DD is 13 and hasn't stayed with her dad for 14 mths and previous to that we had 50/50 shared care.
He used to take her on holiday to his home country for 3 weeks a year which she also hated. She absolutely knows she can see him if and whenever she wants to. But I also make sure she knows she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to.
He blames me. Says I could have put a stop to all this a year ago.
He doesn't think about DD only his own wants.

That is what he's said to me In the past. That I should of just told her because she's a child. But I would never do that. He just doesn't understand how she feels at all. He's not a very emotional dad as it is so he struggles with that. But he is so good with her as well so it does upset him. I won't be forcing her at all. I have tried my best and that's all I can do.

OP posts:
Babiesandboardgames · 17/08/2022 20:25

@stanleywine
This isn't a dad issue, or even a divorced parents issue.
My nephew is nine, and he hates being away from home. Him and his dgps love each other ,they've offered him to stay loads of times, but more than one night away from mum and dad he gets upset. He's such a homebody and loves his comforts from home.
His five year old sister on the other hand could spend weeks away from mum and dad and she wouldn't care.
I would say if she doesn't want to spend a week she can't be forced to, she obviously hates it :) hope you resolve it. Don't feel bad, some kids just love being at home x

Pinkyxx · 17/08/2022 21:56

Please don't force her. I forced my anxious DD due to a court order and ex who screamed parental alienation non-stop due to DD's obvious resistance to spending time at his .. this was despite 100% attendance at all court ordered contact. Ex refuses to acknowledge her anxiety or his part in this - it's all my fault as I've alienated her.. I only wish this were true, all I've done is encourage her to have a relationship with him.

DD's a teen now, the damage done to her mental health and the destructive coping mechanisms she's developed literally break my heart. She's been in therapy for several years at the request of her school.. I've been told being forced has created a very strong belief in her that her needs / feelings do not matter, and must be put side to meet her Fathers regardless of how she feels or the impact on her. Over the years this belief has seeped into every aspect of her life, except her relationship with me. On direction from her therapist I now tell her it's up to her whether she goes or doesn't but it's too late. She isn't able to express her own needs, say no to her Dad, or say no to anyone for that matter....

tootiredforanything · 17/08/2022 22:48

Can't you say something along the following lines to your ex:

"Sorry but I thought you and her discussed this a while back and she told you she wouldn't be going"!

StarCourt · 18/08/2022 12:43

@Pinkyxx sorry to hear this. I absolutely get it my DD is the same and is now in therapy. Her therapist thinks she has PTSD because of her dads behaviour. We also have a court order in place

Whiskeypowers · 18/08/2022 12:57

You haven’t stated whether there is CAO in place with the courts?

Festoonlights · 18/08/2022 13:01

Hell no. He doesn’t get to ‘force’ anyone into complying with his selfish wants. She is nearly 23 and has already been very strong and told him directly (which would have taken a lot for her k owing his upset he was going to be) If he truly cared he would be asking her what she felt comfortable doing not issuing demands.

I would reply
’ I have checked with dd and she has already made it very clear to you she will not be going away with you this year. I will not be forcing her to do anything she isn’t comfortable with. Dd is now of an age where she will be making decisions for herself regarding either of our plans for her, and I think the best route would be to respect her wishes and agree with her in advance so she is included in the decision making in
future’

Go out for the day and ignore him.
If it goes to court the Judge will ask her anyway as she is now considered old enough to make her own decisions regarding contact. Give her back her autonomy op.

Festoonlights · 18/08/2022 13:01

12 not 23!!! 😂

Festoonlights · 18/08/2022 13:02

13 even!

Marvellousmadness · 18/08/2022 13:03

Sounds like you have enabled this behaviour for years. Poor kid.

fufflecake · 18/08/2022 13:04

Stand up for your daughter

Festoonlights · 18/08/2022 13:06

Marvellousmadness · 18/08/2022 13:03

Sounds like you have enabled this behaviour for years. Poor kid.

Enabled what? The right to say no, the right to be respected and considered, the right to be heard.

Op has quite rightly listened to her child, had the father done as well he wouldn’t have booked the holiday in the first place, but listened to the concerns and worries of the child and made a plan she was comfortable with. It’s not rocket science.

JenGin · 18/08/2022 13:11

She's absolutely old enough to make the decision to not go if she isn't feeling comfortable with it. I think it would be awful for her to be forced to go and if her father doesn't understand that then it's even more reason to back her up on this.

You've said it isn't a case of not wanting to see him at all, rather just for such a long period of time, so tell her father she won't be coming and explain why. I'm not sure if that has potential to cause legal issues, in terms of custody agreements etc, though?

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/08/2022 13:12

Please don't force her at that age.

My ex forced it through court with fake claims of parental alienation. It was always about his rights and not what they wanted. They were merely his property and not individuals to him.

Upshot is they hate him and now they're older have chosen to have no contact. He made his bed.