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Original poster

DD doesn't want to go away with dad

125 replies

stanleywine · 17/08/2022 18:42

DD doesn't want to go away for a week with her dad. She told him a few weeks ago and he flipped so she stopped texting him and that was that. He has texted again letting me know what time he will be picking her up. She's worried sick about him forcing her to go. And I don't know what to say. I won't force her but also don't want to have the conversation with her dad and how he's going to feel because he's looking forward to It. He is taking his other child as well so he can still go.

Back sorry DD hates staying out only stays at her dads twice a month for a night. But sees him through h the week which has changed he sees her every other week now. She won't have sleepovers at friends or her nans house either. How can I tell her dad she's not going or should I be getting her to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 12:43

CheeseyToasts · 18/08/2022 13:45

@stickygotstuck

Official guidance for those with anxiety is to actively challenge their anxiety

Giving in to the maladaptive thoughts is counter productive

It doesn't matter what you think

There is official advise and it's the opposite of what the OP is doing

I had to force her to go to school every morning from year 3 to year 4. It was absolutely unbearable and I was close to a breakdown. I'll do what's best for my child rather than a textbooks way of thinking all children fit into the same strategy.

OP posts:
Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 12:45

CheeseyToasts · 18/08/2022 13:58

@JenGin

Find me one therapist or Dr who says people with anxiety should just not do things they're worried about.

It's a short term 'fix' and actively works against most patients long term prospects of successful treatment.

But my DD is not, not doing what causes her anxiety. She stays at her dads every other weekend. She has said she will go away for 3 days and I can pick her up. So she's not avoiding it she's setting boundaries of what she feels comfortable.

OP posts:
Ilikecheeseontoast · 19/08/2022 12:45

Bigchezemakeme · 17/08/2022 18:48

Why does she not like having sleepovers at friends and stuff, does she have SEN?

I didn’t like having sleepovers at friends or relatives as a child either. Liked my own bed and being close to my parents and siblings. Doesn’t mean you have SEN. That’s a weird thing to say IMO.

Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 12:55

10HailMarys · 18/08/2022 14:02

I understand that your DD is anxious (I was a pretty anxious child myself) but I also think that staying with her dad should not be thought of us 'staying out' as you describe. He is her father. She isn't a visitor in his home, she is his child. Since the moment you split with your ex, you should have been making sure that she is aware it's no more weird for her to be sleeping at his house than it is for her to be sleeping at yours, and that her father's house is as much her home as your house is, even if she spends less time there.

I agree with what a PP said - that this situation rather suits you. I think perhaps you probably aren't even quite aware of this, but the way you're talking about you and your DD very much presents you and your DD as a very close-knit and dependent unit, with her father as an outsider who is trying to break that up. It doesn't sound like you actually want your DD's relationship with her father to be as close as her relationship with you, and I think perhaps, subconsciously, you are pandering to her anxiety a little bit for that reason.

Absolutely untrue. When she was a baby I was the one sorting the days and nights she would be going and him constantly changing. I have changed my plans to fit in with him just so he can keep regular contact. Me and my DD are very very close and I wouldn't change it for the world. I would call it her home with her dad but it's not. She hasn't got her own room, hardly had any toys there and didn't have many clothes that he bought for her. I had to pack clothes for the whole time she was there. And another thing she's picked up on is there's no photos in his house of her but plenty of his other child. So no I don't think I'm trying to separate them. I think my daughters made that decision herself.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/08/2022 12:59

I wouldn't be forcing her to go.

I was like your daughter and my parents forced me to go to things I didn't want to, it created so much more anxiety and made things a whole lot worse.

I'm also not impressed with how your ex handled it, flipping at her to the point she doesn't want to text him isn't the way to deal with it. She has an issue with anxiety and it's not something she's chosen. She needs help to deal with it and that's not by being shouted at.

Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 13:02

@10HailMarys it's never been like that and you've just created a whole story in your head. It's never once been oh you don't want to stay that's fine don't. I've always said since she was little he's her dad and he loves her and wants to do things with just as much as me and it's extra special because you don't see him everyday. She is staying out whether it's at her dads or grandparents. Her home is home. He doesn't have her even 50% of the time and hasn't made a substantial effort to make his house her home either.

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 19/08/2022 13:07

stanleywine · 19/08/2022 12:40

She had therapy at school and I attended a course for parents with children who has anxiety. She got over the anxiety about going to school and leaving me. I'm hoping as she gets older she will start staying out more but again that's up to her and I wouldn't force it. It's hard when I'm doing my best and taking all the steps and her dad doesn't understand it.

Show quote history

Then you need to be assertive with her Dad and let that be the end of it, don't have it dragging on and increasing the anxiety for her..

Rowen32 · 19/08/2022 13:08

stanleywine · 19/08/2022 12:43

I had to force her to go to school every morning from year 3 to year 4. It was absolutely unbearable and I was close to a breakdown. I'll do what's best for my child rather than a textbooks way of thinking all children fit into the same strategy.

Show quote history

Actively challenge the anxiety yes, in small steps, not in leaping giant ones that will make it worse, this is not good advice OP

10HailMarys · 19/08/2022 13:12

She is staying out whether it's at her dads or grandparents. Her home is home. He doesn't have her even 50% of the time

That's kind of proved my point though. You present your house as 'home' and her dad's house as 'out'.

CandyLeBonBon · 19/08/2022 13:16

My middle one was like this. He's an absolute social butterfly now but it has to come in their own time. Pushing is a bad idea

Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 13:23

Friarclose · 19/08/2022 04:19

I wonder how all the mums saying listen to DD and if she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and the DD was living with the father and refusing to see the mother.

My dsd14 has refused to see my dh for 3 years in similar circumstances. They had a great relationship then when she was 11 she completely terminated her relationship with him and has never given a proper reason. It completely devastated him.

Children should always be encouraged by both parents to spend time with the other one. If my ds was refusing to on holiday with me for a week I'd be really upset.

Again she's not refusing to see him and I'm not stopping her. I've tried my best to encourage her. She was suppose to stay every other weekend for the full weekend. She wasn't happy with this but I talked her round and encouraged her and she was fine about going. But then because that wasn't convenient for him again it was changed to every other weekend one night. But he still sees his other son & takes him to his hobbies etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 13:24

toooldtocarewhoknows · 19/08/2022 05:08

I say this with a heavy heart.

My daughter was 11. Didn't want to go away with her dad, had a few nights reluctantly each month but felt she absolutely couldn't cope with a week.

I had no idea of the hidden scale of the issues going on with her.

The stress contributed to a mental health breakdown and she never returned to school. It was that significant.

Obviously there were other factors at play but I really underestimated the significance of her not wanting to go with him.

If I could turn back time I would say to him that she's old enough to make this decision. That you will fully support her and back her in this.

Having walked the long path of disintegrated mental health, I'd say prevention is 100 times better than trying to mend them afterwards.

She is now an adult and still struggles.

This is what I'm scared of. It carrying on into her adult life.

OP posts:
Jalepenojello · 19/08/2022 13:35

I think you really need to encourage her to go. She’ll be with a parent and he’s never going to fully understand the anxiety if he doesn’t see it and help her work through it himself surely? He’s a parent too, let him parent.

Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 13:35

PutOnAHappyFace · 19/08/2022 10:42

Like others this was me at that age. I absolutely hated having to go away with my dad for holidays. I used to cry myself to sleep every night and I don't have nice memories. I do think it damaged our relationship as well, not having my feelings respected.

This is what happened last time they went away and it was only for 4 days 3 nights. She cried herself to sleep and was sick from crying to much.

OP posts:
Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 13:40

Midlifemusings · 19/08/2022 10:50

There are also many kids with anxiety who don't want to go to school. Being a supportive parent doesn't mean that you don't get your child support and help them to cope and manage that anxeity versus allowing them to avoid any anxiety related situations - regardless of the impact.

It seems many of you are saying OP should never push or expect her daughter to do anything she doesn't want to. So if she doen't want to go to dads or to school or to leave the house etc, then you must respect her wishes. In reality, that isn't healthy. Same as if the child said mom now makes her anxious and she doesn't want OP to talk to her anymore. You can't always just say okay, child, we will let your anxiety make all the decisions for your life. Relationships with parents, school etc are places where adults need to sometimes help their children to do things that are hard or uncomfortable versus giving in to their anxiety and allowing them to avoid it.

Have you read any of my other posts? I have got her help for her anxiety and worked with the school. But her dad doesn't work with me to help tackle it.

Not once have I stopped her seeing her dad because of her anxiety. I've always said she has to see her dad. But we make compromises.

OP posts:
Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 13:44

@Midlifemusings her anxiety doesn't stop what we have planned or has planned with her dad. We talk about it and then we make compromises so everyone is happy.

She has made a comprise that she will go for 3 days. If she does want to stay the week great. But her dad isn't happy with this.

OP posts:
ItsRainingPens · 19/08/2022 13:44

I think she needs to have this conversation with her father herself, with you there if really necessary. Otherwise it will seem that it's coming from you

Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 13:47

10HailMarys · 19/08/2022 13:12

She is staying out whether it's at her dads or grandparents. Her home is home. He doesn't have her even 50% of the time

That's kind of proved my point though. You present your house as 'home' and her dad's house as 'out'.

Yes that's because it is. It isn't "homely" to her. She tells me it's not her home, it's just somewhere she stays and sees her dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
stanleywine · 19/08/2022 13:48

Jalepenojello · 19/08/2022 13:35

I think you really need to encourage her to go. She’ll be with a parent and he’s never going to fully understand the anxiety if he doesn’t see it and help her work through it himself surely? He’s a parent too, let him parent.

He has seen it. When she had anxiety about going to school and going to his. He wasn't interested and just shouted so I'm not hopeful this time now she's even older he would of changed his attitude.

OP posts:
Pinkyxx · 20/08/2022 00:19

@stanleywine IME resistance to contact with a parent happens for a reason, and it's up to the parent concerned to work with their child to understand what is behind that and help them to manage those feelings and / or make adjustments to help them cope with contact better. Sadly, many parents see contact working a certain way, or their child feeling a particular way about contact as an entitlement. They simply aren't willing to accept that what their child needs or how their child feels may differ to how they perceive the child should feel or want. These parents won't adjust for their child's benefit, instead they resort to either blaming the other parent, blaming the child or indeed blaming both. This conveniently avoids this parent having to look at their own part in their child's difficulties but also removes any prospect of improvement.

Please, please continue to support your daughter. You are right to accept her feeling including that she feels her Father's house is not ''home'' - why? because that is how she feels, she's told you that. If you deny her feelings and experience too, this will leave her with no one & teach her to not trust her own feelings. Her attempts to compromise with her Father are her trying to put in place boundaries to help her self cope - this is healthy. She needs support from you so she learns it's OK for her to define her own boundaries.

For those saying it ''suits you'' and that you're ''enabling'' her, clearly they haven't dealt with an anxious child or an ex husband who believes the other parent is responsible for curating their relationship with their own child. You are not responsible for the relationship between your ex and your DD - that is on him. You reap what you sow in life... if a parent ignores their child's needs, then that parent will end up having no relationship with their child. It's a choice every divorced parent has to make..

StarCourt · 22/08/2022 13:30

@Pinkyxx that is absolutely spot on

SirVixofVixHall · 22/08/2022 13:38

EVHead · 17/08/2022 18:57

I would go with what she wants and say she doesn’t have to go. She’s not ready yet.

Once she’s a bit older she might want to stay over at a friend’s, somewhere near home.

I agree with this.
Forcing an anxious child into something will make her more stressed not less and not likely to want to do it again. One of mine didn’t like sleepovers at that age, and a friend’s dd wouldn’t stay somewhere else until she was fifteen, not all younger children are happy away from home. Building her confidence generally is a good idea, not making a child in a panic go away for so many nights.

Halli2020 · 10/12/2022 19:21

I was the same at that age and don't have any SEN that I'm aware off I was just a really anxious, sensitive child who worried excessively. If she doesn't want to go then she doesn't have to go, she needs to learn from an early age that not doing something is OK as she will grow up to be a people pleaser like me and its not always a good thing! Bless her

allboysherebutme · 10/12/2022 21:32

Don't worry about how he's going to feel, tell him the truth, she doesn't want to go with you because, you are to volatile. X

allboysherebutme · 10/12/2022 21:33

Just realised this was Aug. X

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