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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what in life has made you saddest and how you ever got over it?

377 replies

Danceswithduck · 17/08/2022 18:32

Something in life hasn’t worked out I hoped / expected it would. It feels a bit like heartbreak - that’s all I can liken it to.
Im so sad and could cry all the time. I cannot say what it is as it is so identifying to me.

What made you the saddest you’ve ever been and how did you get over it? Or learn to live with it?

OP posts:
blackpearwhitelilies · 17/08/2022 21:55

I’m so sorry vanguardsix. How horrendous for you. You write beautifully.

msssm · 17/08/2022 21:55

GardeningGoddess · 17/08/2022 19:35

My difficult teen walking away from my home and my family and cutting contact. I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling sad. His behaviour was appalling at times, he was under the care of CAHMS and has an ASD diagnosis, so a lot going on for him.

I can’t see it ever being repaired, people say he’ll come back one day but I doubt it.

I’ve learned to live with it. At the beginning I just made myself really busy, gym, friends, hobbies, work. It became easier about six months on. I try not to think about him, that’s the only way I’ve managed to cope.

Mine is similar. 💐 for you.

maybenexttime1 · 17/08/2022 21:55

My best friend (who I'd spent basically every day since primary school with) being killed when we were 27. She was so beautiful and healthy and she had so many plans about what she wanted to do with her life. She'd just bought a flat and had always really wanted to be a mum- she used to talk about all the places she wanted to take her children one day and all the things she'd teach them. She died alone and scared- there was no one with her caring for her or trying to help her. I lost my cousin (who I was also very close to) to cancer when I was 31 (he was 29) and that was so sad too as he still had so much life left to live. But his family were with him at the end- they cared for him with such love and had a chance to say goodbye and tell him how much they loved him- they had time to prepare and were able to create some special memories in his final days. Both have caused me enormous amounts of sadness over the years but there are so many things I should've been able to do and see with my best friend that I never got to- her death was completely preventable. It's coming up 20 years since it happened now and I've never gotten over it and I still think about her multiple times a day but I'm at a point now where I'm able to remember the happy times (and there were so many) that I had with her.
I'm so sorry to everyone on this thread who's still hurting

dementedma · 17/08/2022 21:55

The death of my best friend last year from breast cancer at the age of 58.

FlowersareEverything · 17/08/2022 21:56

My mother dying absolutely devastated me. I literally felt like I had been punched in my chest, there was actual physical pain. Then I cried and sobbed for a long time till there was nothing left. I was 38 when she died at age 62. I’ve gradually got over the raw all-consuming grief over the last 22 years, but I still miss her and am so sad that I’ll never see her again. I’m still brought to tears now and again, but I live my life and enjoy my grandchildren, wishing she could too. As I come nearer to the age she was when she died It makes me realise she was no age at all. Now if I think of dying at all, I don’t think about me, I just hope that my children and grandchildren don’t go through so much pain. That’s what scares me.

Christonabike37 · 17/08/2022 21:56

Miscarriage I think. Holding onto the hope that it's a false alarm and finally accepting the truth.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/08/2022 21:57

My whole life has been unspeakably sad but I morn the loss of my last cat the most. She was my best friend and I loved her.

UndertheCedartree · 17/08/2022 22:01

I felt saddest when I had a mental breakdown and was in hospital for 3 years as I felt I'd let my DC down. But I was helped to see I was actually doing the best for them by getting the help I needed. That doesn't stop me still feeling bad about it and it makes me sad. How I got through? Well, medication and therapy. It's still an ongoing process.

ihearttc · 17/08/2022 22:02

My Mum being diagnosed with Dementia and deteriorating very quickly. She went into hospital slightly confused and came out not knowing who I am or who my children are. It’s awful. I’m grieving her but she is still alive snd I’ve got to grieve all over again when she does die.

Bonster37 · 17/08/2022 22:05

Both my parents died by the time I was 10 of cancer and my siblings and I were split up. My childhood ended then. Nobody loves you like your parents at least in my experience. I was tolerated but never loved by my aunt. I miss them every day and it was almost 30years ago. I’m married now and in recent years infertility has almost broken me. My husband unluckily has issues. We finally got our little girl in 2019 and I saw the world in colour again. She is amazing. So amazing that I crave another and it’s not happening. I can feel the sadness creeping back again.

Saddm · 17/08/2022 22:07

Ringing the police on my own dc knowing that we could never have any sort of relationship again.
Boxed away.

Allow myself to cry on their birthday and only then.

WildOnce · 17/08/2022 22:09

@TheGlitterFairy @Hairobsessed123

We have the same story, lots of love to you both.

OP my brother took his life when he was 19. I can never really do justice to the pain but I just decided after a couple of years that I HAD to make it better otherwise, what was the point of my life? It doesn’t go away but you learn to live with it. Someone once told me to imagine my life as a circle. DB’s death was a great big black dot which filled up the circle. It would always remain the same size but the circle would keep growing and his death wouldn’t be as all consuming anymore. It’s proven to be an apt description. Time and experiences help to heal.x

SirGawain · 17/08/2022 22:12

Both my parents have been dead for many years and three siblings have died in the past eight years, (all in their seventh or eighth decade). I am sad that they are no longer with us buy very grateful for the life we had as a family. As others have said, time heals the sadness but the warm memories remain.

antelopevalley · 17/08/2022 22:14

Both my parents dying in a car crash, although it took two months after the crash for the last one to die of the injuries. A traumatic time.

Phrenologistsfinger · 17/08/2022 22:14

Ten pregnancy losses between May 2020 and June 2021. Failing IVF and facing a life of childlessness.

I’ll tell you when I’m over it. For now, trying to focus on the benefits of a life without children (more money, more free time, more holidays, retiring early).

whynotwhatknot · 17/08/2022 22:15

watching my mum die of cancer and then my father running off with someone a month later

you dont get over things you justlive with them

Foronenightonly22 · 17/08/2022 22:18

WishingICould · 17/08/2022 19:42

My two major life sadnesses were discovering the man I was going to marry was cheating on me (turns out he 'forgot' to mention he was bi and quite liked men too) and then losing my mum very suddenly to a heart attack.

Both were life altering/life shattering events but somehow, I'm still here and still breathing. As others have said, it sounds cliched but the process of time is life's greatest healer.

When I discovered the infidelity, I remember feeling like a piece of my heart was physically broken, like I'd never recover. These days I rarely think of him and I am SO thankful for my fortunate escape.

As for my mum, that's a different situation entirely but my feelings over her loss have gradually shifted from abject horror/devastation to being able to painfully process it all.

In the beginning, I could hardly bear the pain...now I carry it in a side pocket (if that makes sense).

To me, it's 100% like a wound on your physical body. At first it hurts unbelievably and you need loads of painkillers but then little by little, you see your skin start to stitch together and it hurts a little less. Then you get a scab and eventually the scab falls off and leaves a scar. The scar will probably always hurt but not as much as the wound did at the beginning.

Everyone's journey is unique to them but time will help.

Great analogy.

Maxiemoo10 · 17/08/2022 22:18

Going through miscarriage number 7 whilst caring for my terminally ill grandmother who had raised me and watching her die in front of me really messed me up forever i'm afraid. I don't think i'll ever be the same person I was 10 years ago and it scares me.

Im sad for everyone on this thread who is still dealing with trauma in their own way Flowers

cancerisabastard · 17/08/2022 22:18

I've lost family members and it has been awful.

However, a sibling is currently in intensive care because of the radiotherapy and chemotherapy they had for their cancer a number of years ago.

They have had such a difficult time over the years and it's heartbreaking to see. They don't deserve it.

I can't seem to shake the sadness off!

AStar98 · 17/08/2022 22:19

Losing my 22yo brother very suddenly last year. The circumstances of what happened and how I was told was purely traumatic.

Life will never be the same and, as many others have said, you have to live with it.
It's truly eye-opening and terribly sad knowing how many others on this thread have been through similar.

Judijudi · 17/08/2022 22:20

Death of my mum (unexpected) followed by the death of my father 7 months later also unexpected, although he did have cancer, just happened very quickly in the end. I will never get over that, ever. But I have eventually learned to live with it

MonkeyDoodles · 17/08/2022 22:20
  1. Being diagnosed with 2 chronic health conditions in the space of just a few years.
  2. Being made redundant from a much loved 14 year job.
  3. DB's severe mental health issues and riding in an ambulance with him, listening to him break down when being assessed.
  4. A friend ending her life in 2020
  5. Big argument with someone who was like family to me. Ending the relationship for good and with their kids. It's only now, 8 months on that I am finally starting to accept we will never speak again and I will never see those children again or get to say a proper goodbye.

As others have said, time helps. It doesn't take away what happened but the rawness eases. You will wake up each morning and feel you can breathe a bit easier. You will find moments in the day which make you smile and things will happen which will make you think 'I can deal with this and I will be ok'. But I won't lie to you, it's not a fun or easy process. But you won't always feel this bad. If you have supportive people in your life, please lean on them. It will make all the difference x

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 17/08/2022 22:24

My remaining embryos being destroyed after IVF. the horror of it was immense.

feeling alone and unloved in a marriage is worse than being single I’ve found.

23Elfie · 17/08/2022 22:24

This will sound like a pity party and no where near as heartbreaking as some other posters but my first and possibly biggest heart break was when my relationship ended with my first love and the absolute love of my life at a young age. Thought i was fine and met my DC father 4 years later. He was mentally abusive and the coercive control he had over me was so strong once I finally broke away I was shocked at how I didn't see it when I was with him. Before him I was confident and a bit out spoken and stood up for myself.
He absolutely destroyed my confidence and 9 years on I haven't been with anyone else as I can't seem to let anyone in.
I always find myself thinking how first bf would never have treated me that way and how life could have been so different if we'd met later on.
While my DC is without doubt the best thing to happen to me I hate that they have a mum who struggles financially, they don't have the family unit I thought they'd have and that we just 'get by'. I mourn the old confident me.

I also lost a very close family member 18 months ago just 8 weeks after they were diagnosed with cancer. Their death has left a massive hole and I think about them everyday.

Rosiethecat15 · 17/08/2022 22:25

When I lied to my gran.
She adored my son, her first great grandchild.
Gran was elderly when he was born (she didn't get to meet my other children).
For the first two years of my son's life we would visit her most days. It soon became apparent that he wasn't developing in the way he should have been.
Gran insisted he was just a late talker and that he would soon be "a real little chatterbox". She was in complete denial like I was at the time.
He would flap his arms about and she would insist he was waving to her.

Gran suffered a stroke and was always confused after that, but still had moments where she remembered things.
I went to visit her in hospital shortly before she died. I visited on my own (son had started at a special school by this time and had never spoken a word).
Gran suddenly had a memory flashback and asked me "Does he talk to you now?"
I couldn't tell her the truth. It would have broken her heart. I told her that "Yes. He chatters away just like you said he would".
I can still see the look of relief on her face. It still makes me cry now when I think about it.

In some ways it is a blessed relief that she didn't know what his future held - he is now a young adult and very much trapped in his own world. It's as though his mind froze in time as he never developed beyond 12 months while his body continued to grow and develop without him.

I have times when I feel guilty for lying to Gran, but I know it would have shattered her heart as much as it has shattered mine if she knew the truth.