‘They just really need a relaxing, chilled holiday…at your house’

[Wafflerthewonderdog]

Mil said this to me about Dh’s niece & boyfriend who are coming to stay at our house for a week (we live abroad)
Theyre in their early 20’s, both still live at home and are stressed as they keep changing jobs.
She said they’re just wanting to lounge around and not do much…
Okay great 👍 but we have busy lives with our wonderful but exhausting 4 year old.
Aibu in thinking it’s kind of rude to just want to come to ours to just lounge around and because they really need to chill? Or am I just mean 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe next time don't agree to it

I would tell MIL that if they want a 'relaxing, chilled holiday', they need to go somewhere without a resident 4 year old.

My DC is the same age and pounces on any fresh blood coming through our front door in the hope of entertainment.

On the plus side for you, I find that nice, young people in their 20s without much experience of young children are normally fairly easy targets 😁. They don't usually have the life experience/heart to tell young kids to get lost and don't want to offend the parents. So either they'll get wise and be out most of the time, or they'll be free entertainment.

You absolutely can say no.

”Sorry niece, however we aren’t able to have guests at the moment due to our busy lives with DC. Here are some local hotels/apartments …”

You and DH need to communicate on this. Have you spoken to him about it? Assuming MIL won’t be there so there’s no point letting her words about it affect you.

I would understand MIl's comments as they don't expect to be entertained and taken out to places.

Why always assume guests that stay will be rotten. When I've stayed with relies I always bring a gift, make myself useful, entertain their kids. I don't have the expectation of being entertained but if they want to show me their local area I've really welcomed it but I don't expect them to do so. I've always been welcomed back.

I had an entire family of in-laws like this. My husband had a job that took us all over the country.
His family would come in shifts for “their vacations” — one part would come for a week, expect to be entertained (by me because DH was working) and as thanks would buy us a dinner. The other six days I was cooking, cleaning, etc.
Then I’d have a few days to clean house and the whole routine would start over with another part. It was exhausting. I said this to DH & got “what can I do?” in return. Arsehole.
People. Just. Don’t. Think.

niece and boyfriend? Hard enough entertaining my own kids.

Contact her and just say just wondered what you are asking for really, we are working and have a hyper active child - you are welcome as long as you chip in for food, don’t expect us to be quiet or showing you around or us lounging about - we won’t be on holiday. Happy to give you ‘free accommodation’ but life is stressful without cooking cleaning and entertaining two additional adults - so don’t expect the later!

Have you met the boyfriend?

I mean you could easily have said no -

But since you didn’t, lay down some ground rules - you will put food in the fridge, and give them a set of keys, you will take them out for dinner one night, but other than that they will need to entertain themselves, because you have jobs and kid - you will point them to the equivalent of TFL and Time Out. You don’t expect them to help in the house, but they need to clean up kitchen and bathroom after themselves, and keep bedroom reasonably tidy. If there are times they can’t be in the kitchen you will let them know. No loud noise after x time because 4 year old.

If they are young for their age treat them like teens who need house rules . But you got yourself into this so you can’t complain.

We also live abroad - think alpine country. Have been for a while. Somehow being in another country we are now a holiday location for family.
Here is my 8+ years of advice

1. in a breezy text/WhatsApp make expectations very clear eg cooking/cleaning up/your schedule


2. i make beds up but ask visitors to strip the beds/ make their own tea/breakfast


3. I ask them what they want to do - do some of it but explain public transport/car hire options for the rest of it

This helps. I collect from the airport but usual lay expectations they will make their own way back eg I take them to the train station and they take the train alone to the airport.
good luck!

@IDreamOfTheMoors

Why didn’t you just say no though? It’s your house.

Exactly this. What does your DH think OP? You seem to not want them to come full stop but if any of my nieces or nephews wanted to stay with me they'd be welcomed with open arms. I love them and would be happy to see them, all the more so if they were stressed and needed a break . I dont see anything wrong with what your mil said to you. Your comments about them not being independent like you and still living at home just sound fucking bitchy.

I'd agree with @Goldbar that they may not be able to relax with a 4 year old around. I would also be sure to set expectations, probably best via niece's parents, a la 'Happy to give you a change of scene, but be aware you are houseguests, and understand 4 year old will be rolling about and may be chatting to your constantly/we have to spend time settling DC at bedtime [if that's the case]' and so on.

Maybe ask if they're happy to make at least some meals - in your shoes I wouldn't want to be making all of them. Maybe be clear if you're OK or not for them to order in takeaway - some hosts might be fine with that but others might find it offensive somehow

@Lavendersummer 's well learned advice is good!

I was wondering the same.
Did you have any say in this or had it spring on you?

I’m struggling to get past the ‘need’ from some barely adults with zero responsibilities to require time to ‘chill’.
Obvious one is to ignore whatever your MIL has said entirely, speak with them directly and if it’s going to be a pain they can’t come surely. It’s not your job to look after uninvited guests. We live in a holiday destination also but a long way from the UK so don’t get guests popping in exactly but I’d expect any adults to be pulling their weight (or at least genuinely be prepared to pitch in; it’s one thing for me to refuse offers of help compared to not getting an offer at all).

@Wafflerthewonderdog

both still live at home and are stressed as they keep changing jobs

Why do both of them keep changing job if it’s so stressful?!

I would tell MIL that if they want a 'relaxing, chilled holiday', they need to go somewhere without a resident 4 year old.
This^.
Do you have a lot of space? Would they be able to have their own bedroom, living room, bathroom and kitchen? Otherwise staying in someone’s house won’t be such a relaxing holiday when you need to queue for bathroom and argue for TV.
If they want someone to look after them : cook, clean, take them to places why they are not going to MIL? It doesn’t sound like you want to have 2 more children in the house.

I can’t get over how mean people are to their families! And how curtly people speak to them.

Either say no or be a decent host - don’t make them feel unwelcome or use them as unpaid help.

and now young people aren’t allowed to feel stressed!

@Arenanewbie when did they say they wanted anyone to cook and clean up after them?

chill could mean - don’t worry about planning loads of local activities for us.

Of course you could have said no!

I'm intrigued as to how different the vote is from the comments.

I agree with most - if you live someone sunny and have space, I don't think you can really be surprised various relatives want to come and stay.

Aibu in thinking it’s kind of rude to just want to come to ours to just lounge around and because they really need to chill?

I don't think that is rude. I think that is normal and nice. Wouldn't many of us want to just chill somewhere nice on holiday ?

It is clear you don't have to put yourselves out for them - they aren't expecting you to take them places. they don't need 'entertaining'.

I guess you know your family better but if my sister or niece said they want to just chill, I would understand it as 'No need to plan any activities or daytrips'. Not that I need to actively facilitate chilling by providing full butler service. Not rude at all.

@Teethdilema they didn’t, I was just wondering considering the info that OP posted about them ? (That’s why I put “if”)
I have nephew and nieces and when they were in their 20s some of them were visiting and it was lovely but it did mean extra work for me and DH in some way.

Don’t know where question mark came from.

You'll never get sensible advice about guests on MN, where half the posters can't conceive of anything worse that an overnight visitor.

In the real world, loads of people have friends of friends to stay. When you live abroad, it's a great way to stay connected with life at home. IME, it's a lot easier to set boundaries with acquaintances than with close family.

I'm hugely grateful to my parents' friends who let me stay when I was an impoverished student. I'm still in touch with many of them, decades later, and I have enjoyed paying the kindness forward by doing the same for my friends' children.

I would read your MIL's comment as meaning that you don't need to put yourself out. Set really clear boundaries about what you are happy for them to do/ not do - especially around helping themselves to food and any curfew time.

It does not have to be an ordeal, whatever MN tells you (and, yes, I am an introvert).