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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘They just really need a relaxing, chilled holiday…at your house’

137 replies

Wafflerthewonderdog · 17/08/2022 17:22

Mil said this to me about Dh’s niece & boyfriend who are coming to stay at our house for a week (we live abroad)
Theyre in their early 20’s, both still live at home and are stressed as they keep changing jobs.
She said they’re just wanting to lounge around and not do much…
Okay great 👍 but we have busy lives with our wonderful but exhausting 4 year old.
Aibu in thinking it’s kind of rude to just want to come to ours to just lounge around and because they really need to chill? Or am I just mean 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 17/08/2022 18:22

Don't let your mother in law's comments colour your judgement, OP.

You'll work yourself up to hating them before they even get there.

EinsteinaGogo · 17/08/2022 18:22

MolliciousIntent · 17/08/2022 17:24

I would ignore everything your MIL has said about what they want, and ask them directly what they'd like to do.

Chinese whispers is a recipe for disaster every time.

Definitely this.

Original poster
Wafflerthewonderdog · 17/08/2022 18:35

By we didn’t invite them, I mean we didn’t ring up/message and ask them if they wanted to come.
Niece messaged Dh and said they were thinking of coming over, was that ok…cant exactly say no…they said they could come any time that suits us 😬

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 17/08/2022 18:36

I'd have told MIL if they wanted a holiday where they can relax and just chill they should have booked a hotel not a 'working farm'

MapleLeafMoose · 17/08/2022 18:38

I mean, you're not being unreasonable by any means, but I think more communication is key. What exactly are they expecting? If they are expecting room & board, 3 square meals a day, you to clean after them, they take up communal living space to just lounge aboutbasically a hotelthat would be a hard no from me. If they simply want a place to crash abroad as they can't afford a hotel in their early 20s, and you would like to be kind enough to provide them dinner, while they are mostly out of the house and are considerate guests, I think you should do it as a kind gesture for your extended family (or for your husband's sake).

Also talk to your husband and ask him to be sure that the extra burden doesn't fall on you. For example, if you're responsible for most of the house-keeping otherwise, let it be known that having to board and potentially (occasionally) feed two extra people will come with more work and he needs to pull at least 50% of that weight.

user1487194234 · 17/08/2022 18:38

I would not expect any of my nieces/ nephews to chip in for food

doilookremotelyinterested · 17/08/2022 18:38

Wafflerthewonderdog · 17/08/2022 18:35

By we didn’t invite them, I mean we didn’t ring up/message and ask them if they wanted to come.
Niece messaged Dh and said they were thinking of coming over, was that ok…cant exactly say no…they said they could come any time that suits us 😬

Well you could have replied 'sorry but we're not up for guests right now'...

Cervinia · 17/08/2022 18:38

Impossible to comment without knowing where you live and what’s to do locally. You live on a Spanish urbanisation with a community pool and a beach and a few shops a walk away, great! They can chill outside by the pool. But if you live in a small boring town in a northern country, then what on earth will they do, other than mooch around your home.

just because someone loves abroad doesn’t make it an ideal holiday destination.

Crumpleton · 17/08/2022 18:39

Wafflerthewonderdog · 17/08/2022 18:35

By we didn’t invite them, I mean we didn’t ring up/message and ask them if they wanted to come.
Niece messaged Dh and said they were thinking of coming over, was that ok…cant exactly say no…they said they could come any time that suits us 😬

He could have said
"perfect Wafflerthewonderdog could do with a hand with the DC, she's decluttering at the moment and and extra pair of hands would be a tremendous help".

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/08/2022 18:39

"Theyre in their early 20’s, both still live at home and are stressed as they keep changing jobs."

Intrigued by this. Do they keep being sacked, which would be stressful? Or do they choose to change jobs often, in which case why do that if they find it stressful?

Kazibar · 17/08/2022 18:41

My rule for guests is this. I’ll provide breakfast. There’s probably bread and cheese around.otherwise if they want “real food” it’s up to them, they are not children.

5YearsLeft · 17/08/2022 18:45

Wafflerthewonderdog · 17/08/2022 18:35

By we didn’t invite them, I mean we didn’t ring up/message and ask them if they wanted to come.
Niece messaged Dh and said they were thinking of coming over, was that ok…cant exactly say no…they said they could come any time that suits us 😬

Er… actually, that’s exactly what you can say. Even actual hotels can say no to guests who call and want to stay if it doesn’t suit, and this situation doesn’t suit. Why on earth wouldn’t you be able to say, “No, DD is at a tricky age - I doubt you’d have any rest here at all. She’ll ensure you awaken early and you’ll need to make sure you pick up after yourselves immediately since she’s into everything.” Then see if they’d still be so keen to visit. There is a difference between guests who are no trouble (pick up after themselves, see to themselves, don’t expect you to entertain) and those who “want to chill” by doing absolutely nothing for themselves and thus expect you to provide a hotel for them (expecting you to clean up after them, provide all cooked meals for them, etc). Sounds like you know these two will be the latter. If you can’t say no to them coming, at least make your expectations clear on day one. You’re not a hotel, and you’re not anyone’s skivvy.

TokyoTen · 17/08/2022 18:47

I'd just ignore MIL! I'd also ensure I don't run myself ragged waiting on them! Chilling doesn't mean they get to sit there and be waited on. An airy "there's the fridge, breakfast stuff here" etc is fine!

Teethdilema · 17/08/2022 18:49

There’s so many assumptions here. Has anyone really ever had guests that expect to do nothing and be waited on hand and foot and receive 3 cooked meals a day? And not cleaned up after themselves?

They’d mostly likely prefer to go out for dinner in the evening - maybe even lunch too!

Given they haven’t even arrived yet and you’re annoyed with them, you probably should have just said no sorry.

EinsteinaGogo · 17/08/2022 18:50

Sorry to say, you could have totally said no, OP.

'Sorry, it's chaos at the moment, with Jemima and work, we would love to but just can't".

Repeat.

Genevieva · 17/08/2022 18:51

You need to set out the ground rules for their visit.


  1. One night's babysitting so you and DH can go out for supper.

  2. A kitty for food. They and you put c.£50 in and you use this for food eaten at home during their stay.

  3. If they use cutlery and crockery they always wash it up of put it in the dishwasher.

  4. Share your schedule - i.e. you will be up at X time in the morning, at work during these hours and bedtime routine is between these hours.

  5. You hope they will make the most of their visit by getting out and about as much as possible.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/08/2022 18:51

Wafflerthewonderdog · 17/08/2022 18:35

By we didn’t invite them, I mean we didn’t ring up/message and ask them if they wanted to come.
Niece messaged Dh and said they were thinking of coming over, was that ok…cant exactly say no…they said they could come any time that suits us 😬

Right, but you need to communicate. Say no, if it’s not convenient. Tell them that they’ll have to sleep on the lounge floor and your DC are in there watching telly at 6am if that’s the case.

Where will they be sleeping?

PowerPack · 17/08/2022 18:52

I'd assume she's just saying they're not expecting you to entertain them or find activities for them.

godmum56 · 17/08/2022 18:56

Wafflerthewonderdog · 17/08/2022 18:35

By we didn’t invite them, I mean we didn’t ring up/message and ask them if they wanted to come.
Niece messaged Dh and said they were thinking of coming over, was that ok…cant exactly say no…they said they could come any time that suits us 😬

W the actual F?

KosherDill · 17/08/2022 18:57

You could have said "No, that won't work for us, sorry."

NumberTheory · 17/08/2022 18:58

I agree with the poster who says not to take MiL’s word on this as gospel.

But I would take it as a bit of a prod to talk to niece directly. Say that MiL has said this and you want to make sure she understands you’re working and her cousin is 4 and hasn’t really got a “chilled” mode. And then segue into a discussion of what they’re hoping for and letting them know what will or won’t be acceptable possible, what is good in the area. You might be able to prompt them to do some research before they turn up and be more prepared to entertain themselves a bit.

MummyJ36 · 17/08/2022 18:58

How long are they proposing staying for? If you like them then I suggest just getting on with your lives as normal, maybe ask if they’d be willing to babysit for one night (if your DC likes them) and perhaps have a takeaway or two I.e you’re not cooking for them every day. You could let them know there is cereal and bread for breakfast and make it clear that you have a busy life so they’re willing to ‘laze around’ but your life will be going on around them! And definitely agree a date that they’re leaving.

butterpuffed · 17/08/2022 18:58

Genevieva · 17/08/2022 18:51

You need to set out the ground rules for their visit.


  1. One night's babysitting so you and DH can go out for supper.

  2. A kitty for food. They and you put c.£50 in and you use this for food eaten at home during their stay.

  3. If they use cutlery and crockery they always wash it up of put it in the dishwasher.

  4. Share your schedule - i.e. you will be up at X time in the morning, at work during these hours and bedtime routine is between these hours.

  5. You hope they will make the most of their visit by getting out and about as much as possible.

If you don't want them to come , OP, show them the quoted rules and regulations , it's bound to put them off 😆

PowerPack · 17/08/2022 18:59

godmum56 · 17/08/2022 18:56

W the actual F?

Show quote history

Why is that WTF? My nephews could call me any time and ask to stay and my sons could do the same to my sister.

If it's not convenient for whatever reason we'd say so, but why so terrible to ask your parent's sibling if you can visit for a a few days?

StaunchMomma · 17/08/2022 19:00

Wafflerthewonderdog · 17/08/2022 18:35

By we didn’t invite them, I mean we didn’t ring up/message and ask them if they wanted to come.
Niece messaged Dh and said they were thinking of coming over, was that ok…cant exactly say no…they said they could come any time that suits us 😬

Of course you could have said no - it's perfectly Ok to just say it's not convenient for you this summer. End of.

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