To think you can be out too much with children?

[Suttonnew]

Before I had children, I believed being active was best. For a while we were almost never in.

I do think getting out every day is important, but I think this can be excessive. I’ve come to realise with my own children the more you do, the more they expect - i don’t mean in a financial or materialistic sense but more that the more you’re out and about the more energy and the more active they become, which results in children who can become a bit manic as they are never given a chance to wind down!

AIBU or have others found this?

I think it's good to keep them active and engaged but I know families where the kids are literally doing a different after school activity after school 5 days a week, and all they want to do is sit at home and watch tv. So moderation is key, as in all things.

2 yr old has had 3 hours of activity 5 days a week (toddler camp type of thing, swimming, gymnastics, games) and then I take her out after to do something, could be supermarket, museum etc. tbh I think she’s got overtired a few days (we are usually home by 4:30 latest).

She does need to leave the house every single day otherwise she gets a bit mopey but I think active mornings and slightly more chilled out afternoons work best for her. Weekends we usually do park/softplay in the morning, and quick pop to shops etc in afternoon. She does need the exercise tbh, she sleeps better and is happier. We live in an apartment though so we do have to go outside to give her free range.

I do think unscheduled play and downtime is important. It’s important for me as an adult but a whole day at home would probably tip DD over the edge.

It also depends on the kid. DD’s best friend spends her Saturdays doing football then ballet then a play date then often some kind of activity on top. She’s very happy with that, but can’t entertain herself at home at all, which is I think why they do it. When I’ve babysat I’ve never seen her sit for longer than 30 seconds to draw, read, watch TV, do puzzles.

If we do one “proper” day out with DD – more like a half day, but something like a farm or a museum, she’s done in for the weekend and anything on top like a birthday and we’re all miserable. She likes quiet time, whether that’s in the park or at home, so that’s what we do, and will happily absorb herself in something like colouring for hours.

There’s no right/wrong/magical cure-all parenting hack that makes all children thrive identically.

I don't know about the kids but I find it exhausting to do more than one thing in a day! And ideally need a rest day or two in between

If you're reliant on public transport it's really hard to do multiple activities anyway as it takes so long to get anywhere.

We used to have mornings out and afternoons to wind down with a film or colouring and so forth when mine were small.Some big days out but children need downtime as well

Most children love free play at home/garden (particularly with friends) but are constantly dragged to clubs and activities by their bored/competitive parents.

Depends on child. DC1 incredibly hyperactive so used to do loads bike rides, scooting, swimming as he had energy to burn and would get into trouble if he didnt. My younger 2 are sloths and def benefit more from down time

Yeah this is us too, I was starting to wonder if I was doing my 2 year old a disservice here by taking him out every day 😅 but it's usually not classes. He's at nursery 2 days a week as I work part time atm but the days I have him I need to get out of the house as he bounces off the walls. Most of the time it's local parks, playgrounds and woods, sometimes stay and play at the local children's centre cafe, the odd soft play visit etc and then our afternoons are usually chilling inside at home although if it's nice he usually begs to go in the garden.

It's as much for me as for him, he wouldn't let me get on if we were inside all day and is literally climbing the walls (or furniture which he proceeds to try and jump off) or grabbing my hand to play on the floor with his toys (or chase him with his dolly pram lol) but he has always been high energy and is like a Labrador puppy.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing but it kind of works for us. 😬

I know what @Windbeneathmybingowings means, although I don’t think the post was phrased that tactfully.

Its become very fashionable at the moment to celebrate allowing children to be “bored”. You see this everywhere. And I certainly think some parents over structure their kids time and it’s a bit of a treadmill.

But there’s an element of rose tinted spectacles here and a lot of people are romanticising the narrowing of kids horizons and tbh no I don’t think that’s something to celebrate.

The OP’s post implies that it’s a positive thing to limit the amount of time children spend out of the home and I am not down with that. It’s entirely reasonable that tired and cash strapped parents may not want to play along with the arms race if kiddy activities. But that doesn’t mean that the closing down of children’s worlds to include not much beyond home and hearth is positive.

Particularly for girls. For millennia we have closed down girls’ horizons and discouraged them from spending time outside the home. In our rush to romanticise “boredom” let’s not forget why girls in particular really benefit from having their horizons expanded and their comfort zone pushed.

It's good to have time to daydream - ie time without phones or tv.

My eldest prefers to stay home but by late afternoon is grouchy and causing trouble with her sibling, so we always go for a walk or something even 20 mins.

We go out with DS every day, as we all feel a bit stir crazy if we don’t, and we have a tiny courtyard garden. But the outing doesn’t need to be far away or a big performance/paid excursion- often it’s just a walk, church, park, playground, shops etc - but always somewhere he can walk or cycle, because we don’t have a big garden, and our house isn’t huge either.

@Thepeopleversuswork that's an interesting perspective- hadn't thought about it from that angle. I do think covid has made a lot of people more insular/ reluctant to engage with the world, and with everything that's happening at the moment I can sort of understand why, but at the same time I feel that you have to engage with the bad to get the good- along the lines of "ships are safe in harbour but ships were not built to stay in harbour". I wonder if the way we are constantly bombarded with information/ misinformation is making it harder to tread the line between avoiding any sort of discomfort/ challenge and becoming overwhelmed by it.

As someone who's currently going through the kids-teens transition, another thing I would say is that it's easier to translate boredom into creativity when you still have a fair bit of control over how much they're on screens. As they get older, the lure is greater and the control inevitably reduces, unless you want to be the home counties version of Amish. Also you lose that "you have to come out because I need to walk the dog/ go to the supermarket/go to see Granny and cant leave you at home on your own" factor so very easy to end up with teens who shuttle exclusively between school and their devices. On that basis I do think it's important for children to develop interests because free play will stop well before adulthood and they have a tonne of time on their hands.It's easier to continue with things they already do with established groups they do it with than just start something from scratch. I also think there's real value in having social networks outside school- makes school friendship crises much easier to absorb.

I love being at home and would happily not do anything and that was fine with dd. Then ds came along and he needs running like a husky dog for hours every day otherwise he is just unmanageable.

@Stichintimesavesstapling yes- I think this shows that there is a large "nature" aspect to these things. My mum is quite a homebody- her garden is stunning and she is very talented at felting and collage. By contrast, her brother had utter ants in his pants till the day he died. If there was nowhere to go he'd invent something. I remember him once taking us to a (literal) cattle market, just for something to do/see. Same parents. Same upbringing. No activities at all because there was no money for them. Just very different people. The world needs both types.

I agree with you OP. I’ve never been the parent that has to be out and busy every minute of the day. Especially with little kids, they’re just as happy at home. I do think you can train them to need constant stimulation and activity and it’s not good for them in the long run. It makes me sad when I see mums posting ‘ oh it’s raining where can I take my active little man he’ll drive me crazy at home all day.’ I can’t imagine not being able to spend a single day alone with your child without a park or a play date or activity.

I don't think you need to be out and about everyday and I also don't believe you need structured activities constantly to keep children entertained. They need free time and they also need to learn to entertain themselves at times this is important for them to build independence and also give you time to get on with other jobs and things plus there is nothing more annoying then a needy kid who becomes your shadow.

We tend to go out every day as ds is only child so it's nice for him to have others to interact with. But that can just be an hour at local park not necessarily something costly or big.

My eldest needs to get out every day otherwise he’s really difficult! Or if we have a long day out he can have a day in after it, but never two days in in a row.

His brother is happy either way. He Will stay home for hours and play Lego and draw and be content for ages.

Both close in ages and same upbringing. Completely different needs and personality.

Many variables. We used to go out loads when mine were little, we were better out the house. Lockdowns slowed us down and we have now got used to being around the house more. I loved the time when we did a billion things, got bored with slowing things down and have now adjusted to a slightly slower pace of life at weekends and holidays etc, as have my kids.

Have you had an active 18m-4yo boy at all ? DS is now 18 but there was absolutely no way on God's green earth I could have stayed home all day with him between these ages, it would have driven us both mad. He needed to run around for at least an hour daily. The NHS agrees;

www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/exercise-guidelines/physical-activity-guidelines-children-under-five-years/

They suggest 3 hours a day for under 5. Unless you have a huge house and garden that will be difficult to achieve at home.

As someone who's currently going through the kids-teens transition, another thing I would say is that it's easier to translate boredom into creativity when you still have a fair bit of control over how much they're on screens. As they get older, the lure is greater and the control inevitably reduces, unless you want to be the home counties version of Amish. Also you lose that "you have to come out because I need to walk the dog/ go to the supermarket/go to see Granny and cant leave you at home on your own" factor so very easy to end up with teens who shuttle exclusively between school and their devices. On that basis I do think it's important for children to develop interests because free play will stop well before adulthood and they have a tonne of time on their hands.It'sier to continue with things they already do with established groups they do it with than just start something from scratch. I also think there's real value in having social networks outside school- makes school friendship crises much easier to absorb.

These are all excellent points that I would not have thought of. Going to try and bear all that in mind. Thanks @illiterato

A really good balance is important, kids need to be able to be 'bored' also. Getting them out for something unstructured is good also rather than a specific activity.

A friend of mine had never given her kids the opportunity to do unstructured things, they are now 15 and 17 and during school/college holidays she has to still take time off work as they bother her all day when she WFH as they are bored.

When I say 'bored' I mean they need to be able to occupy themselves not just sat there doing nothing of course.

Children need quiet indoor hobbies. Ideally ones that cost nothing.