To think you can be out too much with children?

[Suttonnew]

Before I had children, I believed being active was best. For a while we were almost never in.

I do think getting out every day is important, but I think this can be excessive. I’ve come to realise with my own children the more you do, the more they expect - i don’t mean in a financial or materialistic sense but more that the more you’re out and about the more energy and the more active they become, which results in children who can become a bit manic as they are never given a chance to wind down!

AIBU or have others found this?

It depends. What is "going out" - Thorpe Park, the cinema, Tesco, or the local playground? What's home like? How old are the kids? Etc. I have three under five. Yes we go out each day, I'd say usually twice a day. But it's often to the park 200m away or to the supermarket to get dinner things, and the younger two certainly can't be left to make their own entertainment when they can barely sit reliably!

do I want couch potatoes who aspire to watching east Enders as a treat. No.

Ouch, no need to get personal 😜

As someone who gets bored really easily and hates staying indoors too much I would really struggle if I had to stay indoors for days on end.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with unstructured downtime but my mental health really suffers if I don’t do enough. Spending a whole day in front of the tv would be my idea of hell. My DD is 11 and already spends too much time in front of screens. I have no wish to make that even longer.

I don’t think children necessarily need an activity every day but I think a trip out somewhere, even if it’s just the park, is really important.

We are out every day as in walking the dog / stables/ down to the local park / library but actual days out couple of times a week in the holidays is more than enough.

I think it's really important to let children have free, unstructured time to allow them to rest, reset and get bored - hopefully giving them an opportunity to use their imaginations. You don't have to 'fill' or 'schedule' each hour.

I completely agree.

We all need time to rest, not just physically but mentally too.

It’s so important to be able to use your imagination and be creative, even as adults.

I think a lot of SEND are diagnosed more these days because of sensory overload as people think you need to be doing certain things all of the time.

I remember a thread where a little boy was crying because the dad had to have him doing planned activities all day, every day and he was mentally and physically exhausted.

It’s not the parents fault as are led to believe we must be doing planned activities.
I’ve spent 2 days at home and I’ve been having such guilt at not doing anything which is mad.

I think that’s why so many people struggled in lockdown too as they didn’t know how to entertain themselves without having actual planned activities.

Ds is hyper in the morning so we are outside everyday at 8am but not doing activities, just wandering around a quiet park or wood. This calms him down for the day.

I agree that days at home are so important. I am friends with a couple of people who seem to take their children out every single day of the holidays, post all the “making memories” photos on social media to boot. It must cost a fortune. Their children must be exhausted.

Depends. My middle one is much more chilled mooching about the woods than if we’re at home.

Kids need to be able to entertain themselves and they also need down time. I know of families who are constantly out doing activities and their children really struggle to amuse themselves. It’s like Disneyland every day for them, it’s exhausting. A balance is key.

Aside from the recent hideous hot weather, I’m generally out every day with my 3yo when she’s not in nursery – but not doing anything, we just wander to the park and muddle around. At home we muddle around too. I do agree too many scheduled activities makes them a bit bonkers, it’s too much stimulation and timetabling: DD often requests to “let’s just stay home” after her nursery days – she wants to potter, not be taken to a museum/sport/class/thing.

My DP gets sensory overload easily and really needs quiet time. One of my DCs is the same. Everyone seems worried about stimulation, but overstimulation is a thing too.

I’m with you. My two kids play together and we have a decent garden. We do go out but not every day. They get as much from playing in the garden as they do from the playground.

I'm at home with my 2 year old for now. We will maybe do whole day trips once or twice a week (like the zoo or museum). The rest of the time, we're out in the morning, a trip to the park or swimming. Back for lunch then afternoon at home. He plays on his own then we do a crafty activity, then it's snack and TV before evening routine. Works for us! And it means I get my coffee break while he's playing alone / watching TV ☺️he loves being outside but I find a mix does us good.

The weekend is also a mix, some family days out together with DH, sometimes just a walk / or play time in the garden.

I'm in lockdown now operation on Monday my third in five months. Hospital instructions to avoid covid. If I test positive I'm knocked off surgeons list for 90 days. I'm sooo bored but as an adult I can cope because I know the end goal. As a child I'd be impossible

I don't know if I agree. I think children need to step outside the front door, get the heart rate up a bit through exercise, have something to think about even if it's just the other children in the street.

So some form of exercise every day and some structured activities we have to go out to. Every other day.

But when they're at home they're looking after pets, reading, writing imaginary newspapers and playing imaginary games. That's all really important time.

We are out most days especially in the summer. My kids love it but they are really active kids (but I am an active busy nature so I think it’s inherited). We do a lot of activities outside though so rock pools, paddle boarding, beach trips, parks, wood walks etc and rarely ever do soft play. We also swim about 3 times a week. In saying all that we had one pj day at the end of the holidays when the torrential rain was here and the kids loved it. I have 3 kids so they play together a lot but equally argue a lot too. I think it depends on the child but kids do need down time. Mine tend to have this more after school in term time as need it more then though they still do swimming lessons.

I agree with you. My DD (2) was born at the beginning of the pandemic so spent soooooooo much time indoors, to the point where when everything opened up again I put so much pressure on myself to get out doing things with her as much as possible...

Then last week we were just lazing in the living room as I was absolutely knackered (partly due to pregnancy as well as trying to do too much) and I was feeling bad because apart from nipping to the shop first thing in the morning we hadn't done anything that day, and then I thought back to my childhood and thought, my parents did do loads of great stuff with us but we also spent many a day just at home, and did I hate it as a kid? No, in fact I relished it. I used to take the time to draw, do craft projects, teach myself to play new musical instruments, play imaginative games with my sister, read loads of books or just chill and watch telly. And simply enjoy being in the company of my family. So I've decided to start going easy on myself and relish the days we stay in all day as well as the days we go out.

I don't disagree with this, but there is a difference between a full on day out (to beach, theme park whatever) and for example, morning trip to the supermarket, followed by an afternoon of baking or a morning watching mum clean the house, followed by the local swings (+/- ice cream). The first is could be overestimulating the second, not so much.

Surely it all depends on the parent and the child.
One persons excessive is anothers person normal as with most things patenting its never one size fits all.

We are very active and do lots of nice days out, today however, we have had a rare PJ day and just bumbled around the house doing craft, baking and a bit of TV.

So in short you are not being unreasonable to think you can be out too much, you are however being unreasnable to judge that others are being out too much.

*"They were USELESS at entertaining themselves too and fought constantly unless they were in an activity and separated. They also did not play imaginatively and didn't read.

I always secretly thought they were overly entertined and fell apart when left to their own devices"*

@UniBallEye could it not also be the other way round though? The kids were naturally very active, not into reading/quiet play and needed lots of structure? I so wish my DC would be content just playing in the house for a bit but they need lots of structure and vigorous exercise every day. These days it is actually unbearable to spend a day in the home/garden with them.

I think children need time to chill out and potter around and occupy themselves, rather than being constantly entertained with outings and activities. Obviously days out and new things are important, but I don't think it needs to be every day and I also think kids are at their most creative and independent when they're a bit bored and have to find something to do. I remember my brother and I embarking on some weirdly elaborate games and projects during the school holidays, some of which were really quite bizarre and which I remember very fondly.

When dd was a small baby I took her out every day somewhere- but that was more for my benefit than hers. As she got older and was able to play we stayed home some days and went out some days. It's all about balance. Children need time to develop their own ideas and use their imaginations as well as having enriching experiences outside of home. It's also nice for them to help round the house, do little jobs in the garden and do things like craft, baking, board games etc. together.

I think it depends on the family and the child. I only have one and we're out every weekend and a lot of the holiday. But he gets bored on his own so even if we dont go into Central London then I'll organise a playdate or something local. He does need to recharge batteries but after a day of that, he gets bored of playing by himself or just with me and wants to do something. However, you can also do too much - we were out in central London (we live in zone 3) for three days in a row this week and honestly he's done in so today we're at home. But tomorrow, we'll get out again. I also find it a lot more fun and much easier that way - there's only so much imaginary play that I can do in a day. Before anyone complains, I was also an only child and loved going out and doing things

Rather than being “out” or “home” I think it’s more about structured versus unstructured time and achieving a balance with that wherever that time is spent.

We go out every day but that includes going to the park where the kids can roam about as they wish for example and we also go to playgrounds, other people’s houses, for walks in our local area, to the supermarket, the library, to an activity etc…’our’ doesn’t always mean all singing and all dancing child focussed activities. Just as being at home isn’t always unstructured, it can include doing activities together.

When I think back to my own childhood some of the most memorable and happy times were playing alone in my room with all my Lego. Also sorting through all my toys and tidying and finding things and playing with them.

In fact, although it was the 80s/90s and so not the same culture of getting out on days out and stuff, I actually couldn't tell you that I remember or enjoyed a day out as much as that. I distinctly remember the days in my room and at home just relaxing.

Maybe I'm a weird minority, maybe it's an only child thing.

But I certainly do not force myself out of the house daily with my child, I let her be, we chill at home.

She has a large room and many interesting toys. She likes to put music on and do imaginative play. I go up and play with her sometimes, not for too long mind, acting out dolls having discussions about pretend holidays is not really my bag.

She also never ever sits and watches a screen, she just doesn't but we do have things on but she will be doing other stuff in the background.

I'm happy with my choice and our way of doing things to be honest.

Also when she begins school (she's 6 and been home educated which did include lots of things out of the home as well as lots of downtime) I think we could do even less because school is kind of "out" in itself. We'll see how it goes but I want to take her out once a week for a pub dinner, play in the beer garden, meet family or friends, and nip the park on the way home etc.

But ultimately I enjoy my home, always have, and perhaps am passing that onto her, but I'm totally okay with it.