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Original poster

TO BE SO ANGRY WITH CRUEL DB

121 replies

Soddingcat · 17/08/2022 07:52

So this is long…

DB is now 54, has always been challenging from a young child. He has lived with my parents for years who are now both in their 80s and dad is bedridden so its just really my mum who deals with him

We are certain he has ASD, although undiagnosed . My 3 daughters all have ASD so i understand the problems facing challenging behaviour .

The way he treats my parents is outrageous, he doesn't pay any board and refuses to help with bills and eats their food ,he does not do any cleaning and will do the occasional small job after being asked many times. He is an absolute leech.
When he was younger he stole money, lied and often took our belongings and swapped them at school , he bullied us and was dreadful all round.

He gave up alcohol 5 years ago and claims he is a new man, and now claims he was an alcoholic which made him awful .
He is always posting pics on FB of himself with motivational statements which say things like
“ BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF” “ BEAT YOUR DEMONS AND HAVE THE BEST LIFE” and folk tell him how inspiring he is …

Now he has got job finally in Wales and has moved there, he locked his bedroom door to prevent entry . Mum could do with the extra room but he says she cant have it. He says he may come up and clear it sometime…

Mums telly broke this week and she asked him if she could borrow his and he said no.
Mum is very soft and lets him get away with murder because he shouts when challenged so for an easy life she just lets him be.

I feel so pissed off about this and this latest TV drama has just given me the rage
He has no empathy whatsoever, but because mum refuses to challenge him , explain that his behaviour is hurtful and that as he gets lots given to him for free then it would be kind to share his TV, which is is not using anyway.

The TV was given to him by mums brother and is second hand, its not like a big fancy telly . He claims it is sentimental.
The rest of us clubbed together and bought her a new one and i took it round.
I sent him a message politely asking if he would like to contribute and asking if he would like to explain his reluctance to let her use his TV

He did not respond, but has blocked me on FB and messenger now so i cant contact him

I feel cross with mum that she is unable to stand up to him , she just shrugs it off.
I feel that this is going to just get worse, I cant understand why she wont say anything , although im sure he wont change , he needs to be told his behaviour is not on
I feel that she enables this behaviour and im so upset about it.
I usually try and just accept it as she is an adult , but an increasingly incredulous

Do i just let them get on with it? I really want to stop feeling bitter and angry about it, but when i see my lovely mum treated like this it makes me very sad

Ive read terrible stories on here about older adult men living with parents till they die.
I don't want this to be their last few years

OP posts:
EVHead · 17/08/2022 07:56

I don’t think there’s much you can do. It sounds like he won’t change and your mum enables him.

I would keep checking your mum is okay, but they’re both adults so they make their own choices.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 17/08/2022 07:57

If I were your mum I would move pretty quickly now into a one bedroomed retirement place which doesn't allow anyone else to move in.

MissyB1 · 17/08/2022 07:57

I would go round take the lock off that door and clear the room. All your siblings should help. Box all his stuff up and put it in storage. Someone can message him to say where it is. He doesn’t live their anymore so he isn’t entitled to the room.
Stop allowing your parents to be bullied.

Meraas · 17/08/2022 08:01

Yes, that lock needs to be broken asap.

He needs to be told to collect his things by the end of the month or they will all be taken to the tip.

Ponoka7 · 17/08/2022 08:08

I agree that he should be cleared out. However don't start bullying your Mum, who is in her 80's to do it. You all need to respect that it is your parents house and drop it in front of them. He's going to be a nightmare when they die. Do you know if there is a will, who is executor etc?

Ponoka7 · 17/08/2022 08:10

"I would go round take the lock off that door and clear the room"

Just remember that it isn't your house. Being stirred up on her is only going to upset your parents, who are in their 80's.

THisbackwithavengeance · 17/08/2022 08:17

I can't believe you haven't already taken off the bedroom door lock, taken his stuff to the tip and changed the front door locks.

Stand up to the bully. If he threatens you or your parents, call the police.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/08/2022 08:21

Your DM's reluctance to stand up to him means that you'll be cast as the villain. Step away from the drama and if you're DParents ask why you're not getting involved, tell them.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 17/08/2022 08:26

So he's moved to Wales for this job presumably? RESULT. The important thing is for them to NEVER LET HIM MOVE BACK IN. Alright it doesn't solve everything but it stops them being abused in their own home.

As for "his" room fuck that shit. Get a locksmith in the get the door open, box up his shit and send it to him. Repurpose the room and change the locks on the house. If he returns at all he returns as a GUEST.

Your parents are elderly. You and any other siblings need to stand up to him on their behalf, it's a safeguarding matter.

TurkishDelightForTheLittlePrince · 17/08/2022 08:27

I’m not going to tell you to break into “his”room and lob all his stuff into a skip however tempting it might be because it won’t make life easier or better for your mum who probably just wants a quiet life right now- she’s in her 80s, her husband is ill and bedridden and her son is a selfish twat.

But. I would be intrigued and maybe concerned about why the bedroom door is locked. Your mum is hardly going to go in there herself due to the aforementioned wanting a quiet life, and it actually seems that you’re pissed off that he’s locked the door rather than he still has a room there. Of course it could just be control that’s made him lock the door rather than anything more to it.

JuneOsborne · 17/08/2022 08:29

Another who'd want to get that lock off. And change the locks to the house so he can't just turn up and let himself back in.

It's what I'd do if it was my house. But this isn't your house, is it, it's your mum's. And it really is up to her.

Can you talk to your mum, in a non combative kind of way? Explain that you know she loves him, but he's not respecting her and it's hard for you and the other siblings to see. And that you're all happy to help if it's what she wants. And that the lack of respect and dealing with it doesn't mean she doesn't love him, it just means that she won't be treated like a doormat and that's ok.

Original poster
Soddingcat · 17/08/2022 08:31

She won’t move
she likes having family to visit so needs space
I think I just need to accept that it’s up to her , and that she won’t do anything…
it’s just frustrating

OP posts:
PlinkPlonkFizz · 17/08/2022 08:35

He could be setting up the scenario that he lives there, so when the time comes, he won't move out at all and inheritance will be a nightmare. I would (with your DMs permission) clear his room, put his belongings in storage and protect your parents.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 17/08/2022 08:36

MissyB1 · 17/08/2022 07:57

I would go round take the lock off that door and clear the room. All your siblings should help. Box all his stuff up and put it in storage. Someone can message him to say where it is. He doesn’t live their anymore so he isn’t entitled to the room.
Stop allowing your parents to be bullied.

This.

OP the rest of you pussyfooting around him and buying them a new TV rather than just getting a locksmith to break into his room is also enabling him.

One of you needs to level with him. You definitely need to get a locksmith round and clear the room.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 17/08/2022 08:38

I also think it’s dodgy that he won’t let anyone gain access. What’s he hiding?

Yorkshirepuddingwithsyrupnotgravy · 17/08/2022 08:42

I suspect he wouldnt let her use his TV (which is presumably in his room) because youd have to access his room to get it. God knows what else is in there!
What happens when your DPs pass away - who is their executor/has POA? Without a will i can see this turning into a nightmare!

Heronwatcher · 17/08/2022 08:43

Honestly difficult as it is, I think you just have to support your mum where you can and not make things worse. He’s in Wales. He’s out of the house. Maybe the distance might give them both some perspective? Last thing you want to do is do something drastic like break the door down and allow him to use that as an excuse to create more drama/ move back in to protect his precious belongings…

Original poster
Soddingcat · 17/08/2022 08:44

The job wont last , he has never been able to stay in one for long so will inevitably come back.

I am conscious of mum feeling bullied by me if i go on .

We bought the TV to make her happy, i could have barged in an taken the TV , but that will cause her more stress which we are keen to avoid.
I do not want to be the villain any more than i already am for ranting about him !

OP posts:
Original poster
Soddingcat · 17/08/2022 08:47

I have POA so would not have a problem turfing him out
He would not be able to live there on his own as its a big house and he could not pay any bills. He just wants her to do everything.

When i suggested to her that he should move out to be independent i realised that it will never happen.
She says that she worries he would feel rejected. He was adopted so she feels a lot of guilt , along with being religious which means everything must be forgiven .
Very annoying

OP posts:
Original poster
Soddingcat · 17/08/2022 08:50

I just wish she would see that her enabling him is part of the problem , but this means criticising her parenting doesn't it ?

OP posts:
SurfBox · 17/08/2022 08:52

Ive read terrible stories on here about older adult men living with parents till they die

It seems from mn that it happens with older adult women often too.

Original poster
Soddingcat · 17/08/2022 08:55

I agree about the lock, I do wonder what he is hiding, I actually know where the key might be hidden so i will have a look next time im there

There is a will so wont be any arguments over that

OP posts:
Musti · 17/08/2022 08:57

It’s a big house but she needs the extra room?

Your parents are in their 80s so they’re not going to change now and neither is your brother.

if he’s unlikely to keep his job and would therefore need to move back then it makes sense to still keep his room.

He probably doesn’t want anyone in his room because of privacy.

It’s not ideal but your parents probably enjoyed having him home with them for so many years.

Dont worry about stuff you can’t change/will stress your parents more and don’t make more of a drama out of things than it is.

Musti · 17/08/2022 08:58

Soddingcat · 17/08/2022 08:55

I agree about the lock, I do wonder what he is hiding, I actually know where the key might be hidden so i will have a look next time im there

There is a will so wont be any arguments over that

That’s horrible and an invasion of privacy!

TimeForTeaAndG · 17/08/2022 09:00

I'd try and get into the room because there was "a weird smell" and you needed to check there wasn't anything rotten, dead, growing in there. If nothing else it will need aired out to prevent damp!

It's not his house, he's not a lodger, he can't just lock it and declare it never be opened. If there's nothing untoward then it can be left untouched for him if your mum wants to do that.