TO BE SO ANGRY WITH CRUEL DB

[Soddingcat]

So this is long…

DB is now 54, has always been challenging from a young child. He has lived with my parents for years who are now both in their 80s and dad is bedridden so its just really my mum who deals with him

We are certain he has ASD, although undiagnosed . My 3 daughters all have ASD so i understand the problems facing challenging behaviour .

The way he treats my parents is outrageous, he doesn't pay any board and refuses to help with bills and eats their food ,he does not do any cleaning and will do the occasional small job after being asked many times. He is an absolute leech.
When he was younger he stole money, lied and often took our belongings and swapped them at school , he bullied us and was dreadful all round.

He gave up alcohol 5 years ago and claims he is a new man, and now claims he was an alcoholic which made him awful .
He is always posting pics on FB of himself with motivational statements which say things like
“ BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF” “ BEAT YOUR DEMONS AND HAVE THE BEST LIFE” and folk tell him how inspiring he is …

Now he has got job finally in Wales and has moved there, he locked his bedroom door to prevent entry . Mum could do with the extra room but he says she cant have it. He says he may come up and clear it sometime…

Mums telly broke this week and she asked him if she could borrow his and he said no.
Mum is very soft and lets him get away with murder because he shouts when challenged so for an easy life she just lets him be.

I feel so pissed off about this and this latest TV drama has just given me the rage
He has no empathy whatsoever, but because mum refuses to challenge him , explain that his behaviour is hurtful and that as he gets lots given to him for free then it would be kind to share his TV, which is is not using anyway.

The TV was given to him by mums brother and is second hand, its not like a big fancy telly . He claims it is sentimental.
The rest of us clubbed together and bought her a new one and i took it round.
I sent him a message politely asking if he would like to contribute and asking if he would like to explain his reluctance to let her use his TV

He did not respond, but has blocked me on FB and messenger now so i cant contact him

I feel cross with mum that she is unable to stand up to him , she just shrugs it off.
I feel that this is going to just get worse, I cant understand why she wont say anything , although im sure he wont change , he needs to be told his behaviour is not on
I feel that she enables this behaviour and im so upset about it.
I usually try and just accept it as she is an adult , but an increasingly incredulous

Do i just let them get on with it? I really want to stop feeling bitter and angry about it, but when i see my lovely mum treated like this it makes me very sad

Ive read terrible stories on here about older adult men living with parents till they die.
I don't want this to be their last few years

I don’t actually think it’s an invasion of privacy as he hasn’t earned that right .

He pays no rent and no contribution to bills , and does no housework

he does fuck all

Ok, so it's his home, same as it's OPs home. It's where they all grew up etc before anyone jumps on what I've said. But it's not his house, he doesn't own it, pay for it etc.

I would be very curious as to what he is hiding in that locked up room, could just be a control thing but equally he could be hiding something more sinister

Wow, you could be talking about my family. I know exactly what you’re going through. My brother is the same.

I voted yabu because it's not your bed to lie in. Your brother has blocked you because he doesnt need anything from you, now or ever. So leave him to it. Tell mum indly it's a situation of her own making and you dont want to hear about it anymore.

POA only comes into play when your mum loses the capacity to make her own decisions, it doesn't allow you to over-rule her when she had capacity.

I agree with PP, this situation is enabled by your mum, and has been for years, so it's not simply about your dad being v ill now.

I would also be prepared mentally for the possibility that your parents leave him the house in their will "as the rest of you are ok, and he doesn't have anyone"

I don't think there is much you can do. When I read your post My first thoughts are get in their and chuck it all. As tempting as it is, If you go ahead on your own and do things he will get upset and take it out on her then she gets upset and maybe upset with you. Unless you block his number on their phones or something! Will you have support of other family members if you go ahead? Does he have any rights to notice or anything?

I think as a PP has said you can tell her that if she wants you and your siblings to do it you will and you will do whatever you can to protect her from the fallout but that you will leave it otherwise?

Going off track slightly. You said that your mums finances are strained. Are your parents definitely getting everything they are entitled to? Is your dad getting the correct levels of DLA/ PIP/AA? Do they need pension credit which increases the more disability related benefits they get? Have they claimed their state and work pensions?Even people with savings can get PC. Apologies if you know all this already and I'm aware that even with everything in place things can be tight especially now. I used to work in Adult Social Care and a number of older people did not know they were entitled to these things.

Their will was done recently
it’s left evenly to us with an equal share to charities
She wouldn’t leave it to him , she knows he’s irresponsible, and she wouldn’t do that to the rest of us .
she hates upsetting anyone which means she gets walked all over
They are getting everything they are entitled too
They live in a big old money pit house which is expensive to run , but they love it and it’s their choice
Also they can’t face the epic job it would now be

Go and open his bedroom door and remove his stuff.
cheeky bastard.

So he has no privacy rights? That is/was his home whether you agree with it or not. It is your parents to do with as they choose. Who the help do you think you are thinking you can break into a room because you’re a nosey cow?

and which is it. A huge house or a small house because you keep contradicting each other?

My uncle lived with my grandmother rent free for many years. My father paid for their house. And you know what he always said? He feels lucky that there is someone to keep his mum company.

So if your parents are happy and he’s happy and you don’t have to do anything and it has worked for them for their whole lives then leave them to it. It sounds like your brother may have some mental health issues, anxiety etc . Your parents love him and want to take care of him. It isn’t nice that he’s never been independent and had his own family but not everyone can. Think yourself lucky that you have and stop being resentful of your brother.

and if you break into his room it would be despicable and because you want to find some dirt on him and prove that you’re the better child. Get over yourself.

I would be tempted to take this course of action too. I think I would give him notice of it first (say about a month). I'd probably say that if he doesn't come and clear his stuff out by X date then the room will be opened by a locksmith and everything taken into storage because the room is needed.

To be honest, your brother sounds rather like my BIL in some ways. He was an alcoholic, but also MIL's golden boy. She did admit when near to the end of her life that much of it was because she was scared of him (he could be violent).

My BIL did say that he would move into the house when MIL died (said while she was still alive). We changed the locks to a) protect her from him while she was still alive and b) to stop him moving in, wrecking the place and effectively disinheriting his siblings (DH and their sister) for decades to come.

I'm not suggesting that your brother is exactly like that, but beware of his possible motives and the problems he could cause further down the line.

Of course, all of this relies on your parents being on the same page as you, as without their consent you can do nothing. It does sound as though this could be a problem as your mother will back down at the first pushback from your brother.

Autism a a disability…
as a you know given your genetic experiences you describe. A disability that effects SOCIAL interactions, ability to see OTHERS viewpoints experiences and respond to them in a neurotypical way. Autism comes from the Greek word ‘autos’ meaning self,
so it is no surprise you use the term selfish… where a professional may use ‘ self absorbed’ it is tough, really tough as it effects everyone involved. However your DB. Has likely self medicated via alcohol for many years a feeling that is unimaginable to others. A lifetime of getting things wrong/ being told your wrong by society, struggling to remain in employment ect. I think your mum is wonderful and understands her offsprings needs and has found a way to decrease escalation over the years. I wish you all well. X

Musti , where did I say she had a small house ?
I didn’t
so you think that’s it’s fine for him to treat her with contempt , refuse to help her ? And hoard the TV to make her life easier ?
Hes made all our lives miserable for years and you’re defending him ? Er ok

This, and I’d also tell him that if he tries bullying your mum about this he’ll have you and your siblings to answer to.

I totally understand your frustration, as my parents were in an identical situation, some years ago, with my DB.

Without giving too many details, he ended up back living with them, in his 50's. They only had their SP, but he ponced off of them for years, without paying a penny to them. He was a big man and ate like a horse. The rest of the family were outraged, but he took offence to anything said to him and my Mum just wanted an easy life. Eventually he was given a bit of money to move away from the area and he never came back, so it's possible the same will happen with your DB. He wants to retain control and refuses to go along with suggestions to keep that control. Maybe give it a year and if hasn't come back in that time do something then.

A toxic combination of a fundamental unpleasant person who has had piss poor parenting from the outset.

No hope in change given his age. That ship sailed about 50 years ago

Power of Attorney does not, unfortunately, give you any power to kick him out, just to make financial decisions if your parents should lose capacity.

Thanks for all the different views , which is exactly what I need as I feel I’m being clouded by my frustration

if he was nice to her it wouldn’t be a problem , but he’s not , which is why I’m upset
I don’t care about him living with her if he is helpful, helps with bills ect , but he treats her like shit

some people on here are not understanding that
I’m not looking to dig dirt on him at all

Your mum enables him and you enable her.
it won’t stop until those things change. Does your mum actually want to do anything about it or is she just making the right noises to you, to appease you now she appeases him.

if your parents are in their 80s this is unlikely to change. Just leave them all to it. You don’t need to get involved.

What on earth are you on about re POA

You do not seem to have any understanding what POA means.

You can’t “turf him out” because you have POA

This man has had pathetic parenting for 54 years OP, and sadly - this is the upshot. A deeply entitled and profoundly unpleasant person.

Alternatively you go to the house, take the door off and clean out the room and tell him to come collect his stuff

but as your mum will no doubt just let him back in this is probably a total waste of time

I’m so sorry OP he doesn’t sound like an easy person to deal with

I know this is hard but he isn’t going to change. I think at 54 years old he just isn’t going to change who he is. It is a real shame he treats your parents like this, and they shouldn’t stand for it. It isn’t easy to accept, but I think you all have to move on from expecting him to be the kind caring person you wish he would be and accept that he just isn’t. It’s not fair that people are like this, even if they are family and we love them and wish they were different.

I would find this extremely frustrating. I have been in a similar position (Although not nearly as bad as this!). If you think of about it though, out of the three people in this situation you are the one who is the most affected by it. I totally understand why you are, but you are the one one who is feeling all the anger and the frustration. Your brother isn't, he's away living his life, posting his motivational stuff on social media. Your mum has made her choice. She would rather tolerate what is going on than confront or change it. It's not worth the risk to her. I had this with a relative, she would repeatedly complain to me about a situation, I would get angry about it, but she did nothing and continued to accept it. I had to tell her it was something I just couldn't discuss with her any more. She could see the bigger picture in what she wanted, but I got frustrated at the unfairness that I perceived. Ultimately I felt like I was being used as a way for her to deflect stress, but the stress stayed in me and grew. I think it's time to leave their relationship between them and not to get involved. Because you aren't being listened to, and this anger you are holding onto is just going to hurt you.

But believe me when I say I know some of how you feel.

Just let it be.
DM puts up with it as otherwise he may move out of her life entirely and she prefers to have contact with her son.