TO BE SO ANGRY WITH CRUEL DB

[Soddingcat]

So this is long…

DB is now 54, has always been challenging from a young child. He has lived with my parents for years who are now both in their 80s and dad is bedridden so its just really my mum who deals with him

We are certain he has ASD, although undiagnosed . My 3 daughters all have ASD so i understand the problems facing challenging behaviour .

The way he treats my parents is outrageous, he doesn't pay any board and refuses to help with bills and eats their food ,he does not do any cleaning and will do the occasional small job after being asked many times. He is an absolute leech.
When he was younger he stole money, lied and often took our belongings and swapped them at school , he bullied us and was dreadful all round.

He gave up alcohol 5 years ago and claims he is a new man, and now claims he was an alcoholic which made him awful .
He is always posting pics on FB of himself with motivational statements which say things like
“ BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF” “ BEAT YOUR DEMONS AND HAVE THE BEST LIFE” and folk tell him how inspiring he is …

Now he has got job finally in Wales and has moved there, he locked his bedroom door to prevent entry . Mum could do with the extra room but he says she cant have it. He says he may come up and clear it sometime…

Mums telly broke this week and she asked him if she could borrow his and he said no.
Mum is very soft and lets him get away with murder because he shouts when challenged so for an easy life she just lets him be.

I feel so pissed off about this and this latest TV drama has just given me the rage
He has no empathy whatsoever, but because mum refuses to challenge him , explain that his behaviour is hurtful and that as he gets lots given to him for free then it would be kind to share his TV, which is is not using anyway.

The TV was given to him by mums brother and is second hand, its not like a big fancy telly . He claims it is sentimental.
The rest of us clubbed together and bought her a new one and i took it round.
I sent him a message politely asking if he would like to contribute and asking if he would like to explain his reluctance to let her use his TV

He did not respond, but has blocked me on FB and messenger now so i cant contact him

I feel cross with mum that she is unable to stand up to him , she just shrugs it off.
I feel that this is going to just get worse, I cant understand why she wont say anything , although im sure he wont change , he needs to be told his behaviour is not on
I feel that she enables this behaviour and im so upset about it.
I usually try and just accept it as she is an adult , but an increasingly incredulous

Do i just let them get on with it? I really want to stop feeling bitter and angry about it, but when i see my lovely mum treated like this it makes me very sad

Ive read terrible stories on here about older adult men living with parents till they die.
I don't want this to be their last few years

The thing is if you break into the room and he finds out he may turn on your Mum. He sounds entitled and very selfish .Your Mum obv still loves her Son ,and will see the good in him when everyone else sees what he is like.I think to maybe accept this is what he is like .He wont change sadly

I think you are going to have to back off, OP. I know it must be hard and frustrating, but there is no indication from what you've written your mother currently lacks capacity or is in fact behaving any differently towards him than she always has. He is the product of their parenting of him, with the added layers of a possible ND and the adoption element in the mix. It is not going to change, he and your parents are not going to change.

All you and your siblings can do is be a vigilant eye and a meaningful presence to make sure she and your unwell father are safe.

I get why you are upset and angry - but they are adults and you just need to let them get on with the choices they are making because you have told them how you feel and you are now impacting your own life being upset and their not too surprising responses.
Yes your brother is unfort a twat but you need to lower your expectations of him so low that his decisions never bother you again.

This

No point getting frustrated. It won't change anything. Better not to engage with this. You'll just get wound up, for no useful purpose

I know someone like this. Spoilt, indulged - and a complete leech. The trouble is his parents don’t see it. Occasionally, they have moments of frustration but those brief sparks die out very quickly when he feeds them another story about how poor/hard-done-by/ill/upset he is.

Considering the age of your parents, I don’t think you can do much and I think in your situation I’d try to honestly ascertain how stressed they are by this, or how disadvantaged. If they’re not either of those things, I don’t really think you can push it. I would, however, struggle not to point out to your mum that just maybe her reaction to your DB over the years has helped make him what he is, and actually exacerbated the problems they’re trying to help him with. Say it gently but if that doesn’t energise them, then you’ll just have to leave it.

However, I would open and check the locked room for my own peace of mind to check it was safe and clean. I’d also remove the lock as I feel that’s wrong to have in a house that’s not his, and limits the use of the room for your parents.

OP, I’m so sorry - he sounds vile and a total bully. Change the locks to the house - it’s your parents property and not his. You or someone neutral contact him and tell him his stuff has been moved out to storage and it is his responsibility to collect him. What a lazy good for nothing man! Your poor parents (and you) for having to put up with this deadweight

He sounds terrible but it sounds like your parents have also been doormats for so long that it's basically impossible to change things now. A sad situation.

If I were you I'd take charge of clearing out the room though and put his stuff into storage. He said he'd do it anyway so fuck him if he has a problem with that.

I don't think you are trying to dig dirt on him. You want him to back off from bullying your parents, although that is unlikely to happen as long as your mother remains willing to enable his awful behaviour.

It was the same with my BIL. We weren't looking to dig dirt on him although some did come out in the wash, as we had known it would. We needed to protect MIL from him, and ourselves, and not just financially (he plundered her bank account beyond it's limits and was capable of violence).

OP, You feel angry with your mum that she is unable to stand up to him ? ?

She is in her 80’s caring for her bedridden husband and has been taken advantage financially and treated like a servant by her 54 year old bully and leech of a son all her life and you question why she won’t stand up to him ?
Well it’s because she is old and worn out and worn down and scared of rocking the boat and wants an easier life now she is facing her 90’s.

Ask yourself why you don’t you tackle this massive problem for her then !

Would she downsize to a small place if you said you would do all the practical work?

Depends on your mum, but you can go down the route of how different things are for ASD kids now, and how we know it’s important for them to be parented differently from ND kids - more lenient in some ways, but more strict in others (I know it’s not that simple, but that’s likely how she will see it, and terms she will understand) and that firm and appropriate boundaries are really important, and not something people with ASD always intrinsically understand. That this is not OK and he’s showing her needs her to help him with ‘tough love’ right now but you will all support her.

He’s moved out - leave him be.

This should be a break for your mum so there’s no need to go on about him to her and cause her more stress.

Look for a second hand TV for her and buy her that one and tell her to just enjoy the peace whilst he’s gone.

He sounds like an absolute twat but until your mum is ready to kick him out and stand up for herself properly then it’s about picking your battles.

Hopefully he will enjoy his new job and independence and stay in wales.

I’d rather have him keeping the room locked and not lending me his TV than living in the house.
If he thinks there’s a possibility she’ll go in his room then he might move back.

Your poor mother, dealing with a bedridden husband and this awful son. It sounds as though she needs help or will do so fairly soon in caring for your DF. Could you persuade them to either - sell the house and move into suitable elder accommodation where help will be on hand (and no room for DF), or get into his room and clear it as suggested and make it ready in case overnight carers are needed. Have you asked your DM whether she actually wants DB to live there, or whether she allows it so as not to cross him? Maybe find out your parents' long term wishes are for their own lives going forward.

I would go round and break the door down myself. Stop pandering to him, if you can be there when he gets back be there. If not and he's still blocked you leave him a note to say it was you and if he has a problem to come direct to you.

An intervention by all you siblings talking to her together?
At the end of the day, you’ve got to respect her wishes.

He sounds like my 'D'B who has just moved in with my parents. Sending solidarity! I go with the mantra 'Not my circus not my monkeys' to help deal with it and try to distance myself.

OP, where are you getting autism from? He's adopted so it's not a hereditary thing (as with your kids). It's yet another example of someone with shit behaviour (and let's face, your DM is enabling it so it's not a big surprise that he continues) being given the autism label so those of us who actually do have autism (and a formal diagnosis!) get tarred with the same brush.

Sorry- whilst I will be shot down in flames!… I have to add that making big decisions/ moving things ect is only going to explode the situation if this person is autistic. It would cause huge distress All round and tbh is the equivalent of tipping a person out a wheelchair and saying “ time you walked” (‘time you, who has little understanding of others, now suddenly in this moment develop them or you will be punished and shamed) whilst I understand your frustration and also the opinions that things haven’t always been dealt with in the best way, it would actually be quite cruel and likely confusing… to add many on the spectrum have undiagnosed LD anxiety, depression ect…. As frustrating as it is …. Much of this is unlikely choice. I would suggest giving your local autism adults service a ring who could advice on a supportive, structured way to support any changes that are needed . I feel for your mum. I can’t begin to imagiene the critism she would have faced in her day, with so little understanding about neuro difference and constant judgement. I feel for you all tbh. I just wanted to say, that whilst I appreciate things need to be different, you ha e clearly stated autism is likely present… so really needs to be considered as anyone would of any other disability.

It sounds very frustrating and I am NOT excusing any of his selfish behaviour but from personal experience of a family member with autism, I know they find change and in particular any moving/changing of personal possessions very tough. For me, I could understand a similar personality not wanting to give away a (valueless) tv, and not wanting their room touched. They would find their long-standing room being dismantled highly distressing. (This doesn't mean it shouldn't happen but isn't the same as how the average NT person would feel.)

However, not wanting to contribute to a new tv, not helping, treating parents like servants is absolutely unacceptable and again, in my experience the opposite of (high functioning) autistic behaviours. (Good rule followers can and do follow housekeeping rules.)

I'm not sure what you can do though, if he's 54. If he comes back to the house, could you/your mum explain the new house rules, as a start?

Cross post @Acreativeusername ! You said it better than me.

Hmm. I know someone who squatted in the family home. Made the sale a frickin’ nightmare as buyers could see someone was in an empty house with no appliances sleeping on a mattress.

Have you got financial and health POA. If so that's really good for the future? Is there any chance your parents would let you have access to all their accounts so you can keep an eye on things and to make it easier when they get even older?
It's a really difficult and frustrating situation.

Not exactly true as his siblings have moved on with their lives, some people just have really poor personalities due to whatever condition(which there are many).

OP - you asked:

"Do i just let them get on with it?"

Yes. As other posters have suggested - they are all adults with free choices. Your DM is enabling his behaviour and there really isn't much you can do about it unfortunately apart from just checking that your DM is OK and ask her if there is anything she would like you to do specifically. My guess is that your DB has always acted in a completely selfish and uncaring way, and your parents have never stood up to him. It is likely that your DM just wants a quiet life and anything you may do (eg change the locks/throw out his stuff), may cause a lot of confrontation and fear that your DM cannot deal with.

If your DM actually asks you to step in and intervene, that is different... but until she does, I think you have to come to terms and accept it. Of course, it is deeply frustrating for you and I'm not surprised that you are angry - but really I do think this is something you cannot change.It sounds like this behaviour has been going on for some time and your DM nor your DB have no desire to change it. I think the best you can do is explain to your DM how worried you are about her and upset over your DB's brother and tell her that you will always be there to help her and not to forget that.