TO BE SO ANGRY WITH CRUEL DB

[Soddingcat]

So this is long…

DB is now 54, has always been challenging from a young child. He has lived with my parents for years who are now both in their 80s and dad is bedridden so its just really my mum who deals with him

We are certain he has ASD, although undiagnosed . My 3 daughters all have ASD so i understand the problems facing challenging behaviour .

The way he treats my parents is outrageous, he doesn't pay any board and refuses to help with bills and eats their food ,he does not do any cleaning and will do the occasional small job after being asked many times. He is an absolute leech.
When he was younger he stole money, lied and often took our belongings and swapped them at school , he bullied us and was dreadful all round.

He gave up alcohol 5 years ago and claims he is a new man, and now claims he was an alcoholic which made him awful .
He is always posting pics on FB of himself with motivational statements which say things like
“ BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF” “ BEAT YOUR DEMONS AND HAVE THE BEST LIFE” and folk tell him how inspiring he is …

Now he has got job finally in Wales and has moved there, he locked his bedroom door to prevent entry . Mum could do with the extra room but he says she cant have it. He says he may come up and clear it sometime…

Mums telly broke this week and she asked him if she could borrow his and he said no.
Mum is very soft and lets him get away with murder because he shouts when challenged so for an easy life she just lets him be.

I feel so pissed off about this and this latest TV drama has just given me the rage
He has no empathy whatsoever, but because mum refuses to challenge him , explain that his behaviour is hurtful and that as he gets lots given to him for free then it would be kind to share his TV, which is is not using anyway.

The TV was given to him by mums brother and is second hand, its not like a big fancy telly . He claims it is sentimental.
The rest of us clubbed together and bought her a new one and i took it round.
I sent him a message politely asking if he would like to contribute and asking if he would like to explain his reluctance to let her use his TV

He did not respond, but has blocked me on FB and messenger now so i cant contact him

I feel cross with mum that she is unable to stand up to him , she just shrugs it off.
I feel that this is going to just get worse, I cant understand why she wont say anything , although im sure he wont change , he needs to be told his behaviour is not on
I feel that she enables this behaviour and im so upset about it.
I usually try and just accept it as she is an adult , but an increasingly incredulous

Do i just let them get on with it? I really want to stop feeling bitter and angry about it, but when i see my lovely mum treated like this it makes me very sad

Ive read terrible stories on here about older adult men living with parents till they die.
I don't want this to be their last few years

Agree that room needs unlocking but wonder if you can make it easier for her - and him if he's demand avoidant, by making the demand less personal - plumber needs to bleed the radiator to make system more efficient ahead of winter, getting a quote to replace windows blah blah. It's the rules. He'll rail less against her because it's not a personal a tug of war non negotiable. Remember his anxiety will be driving his behaviour and getting a new job in a new part of the country is huge.

Oh OP, I feel for you.

As you yourself have said, rocking the boat will annoy him which will lead to more poor behaviour which will ultimately end with your mum getting upset. Sometimes the 'right' and 'obvious' solution is taken away from us and THAT is why it feels so frustrating. Of course the lock should come off. Of course he should move out permanently etc but if your mum is not pushing for these things, then it's not necessarily the right path.

I would:

Speak to your mum in confidence. Tell her that you know she loves DB that she worries about him and feels guilty etc, but can she reassure you that she really wants him living there/keeping his room 'reserved' and enjoys his company? And that she is not just scared to rock the boat? If it is the latter then you should offer to speak up and advocate for her. Her 80s should be easy and relaxing - whatever that looks like.

I would also write to your DB. I would outline all the ways in which he is a selfish twat and tell him that you don't care if he wants to ignore you, but his behaviour towards his own mother is borderline abusive and does not tally with the persona on social media - and would he like you to publicly share his selfishness or would be rather stop being such a selfish cock.

And I would absolutely follow through.

Everyone seems to be saying your DM is enabling it. Sounds like he's an abusive and intimidating man and has been all his adult life.

Not surprised she doesn't feel like she has the capacity to deal with it.

Elder abuse is a real thing, and whilst he may be autistic that isn't a reason to be abusive, which he is being financially and emotionally. You're too close to this situation. If he does move back in I'd strongly suggest a call to Adult Social Care. Let the professionals assess the situation.

I feel your pain. it's so frustrating. My brother has ASD, can function not too bad, refuses to do anything though as my mum does it all for him. Lives at home at 30. Pays no housekeeping at all. Doesn't cook, clean, do washing. Is confrontational with everyone, takes over all conversations and if he doesn't agree with something he will kick and punch doors/walls ect.

He can fly the world going to furry conventions, just got back from Canada and is going to Berlin next week.
He doesn't work, he gave up his job years ago.
Last year he pinned my mum up against the wall with his body, shouting at her. She is 5ft and 7 stone. He is almost 6ft and 18 stone.

I don't have time for him. My mum enables him. My dad stays out of the way or they just row.

It's sad. I don't want him replying on my mum forever

This is morbid but I’d think about getting power of attorney and gently ask mum about wills etc

I can see this having potential to slip into finically and elder abuse

I can understand how frustrating this is but I don't think there's much you can do about him, it's been too long now. I think the best thing you can do is make your Mum's life as pleasant as you can - arrange for more care if you think she needs help, take her out for treats etc.

OP - I think that someone already said that your parents could do with a benefits check? Its certainly worthwhile doing. With your Brother having left, they could be entitled to council tax reduction?

Might also be an idea to look at this from Age UK

"The best way to protect yourself or a loved one and stop abuse from happening is to tell someone about it. This may feel difficult, especially if the person abusing you is a close friend or relative, but abuse and neglect are never acceptable. You don’t have to put up with it, and there is help available for you.
If you're unsure who to contact you can:
Call the Age UK Advice Line on 0800 678 1602
Call Hourglass on 0808 808 8141 or visit their website

If you're worried about someone that has care and support needs (for example, they need help due to an illness or disability), you should contact the Social Care team of your local council."

The room doesn't 'need unlocking', OP. That's what rabble-rousing posters are telling you because they'd like an update on what's in there/what your brother is doing. Nobody's business - including yours, sorry.

Think it through. What will happen if you push yourself (and your siblings) into this situation? Your mother will backtrack the minute her son returns home and he will likely up the ante to re-gain control of his home. You will have achieved nothing.

The TV thing was annoying but the quickest and best option was just to get another one, which you all did. Issue resolved. Put that behind you, you all know what your brother is like - and your mother knows too.

You would be foolish to break into the room and it would achieve nothing other than upsetting your mother and unleashing the fury of your brother. I wouldn't do it.

What I would do though is as PP has suggested, contact Age Concern or even social services for some advice. It would be better for a third party to assess the situation because you can't see the woods for the trees (understandably). They will be able to speak to your mother in a way that you can't and the upshot may be that you'll get the result you're wanting.

It is frustrating and I feel very sorry for you all but, there's nothing to be done - your mother is making this happen. All of it. However unwitting, she is standing fast so there's nothing that you can do other than to get external help - and that is exactly what I would do.

I think this is a very challenging situation; that's been building for a long time and that you have been very hurt.

I think it may very well be likely that he does have ASD, and it does sound positive that he has been able to stop drinking, find employment and move out.

Your message said

I sent him a message politely asking if he would like to contribute and asking if he would like to explain his reluctance to let her use his TV

You then explained that he blocked you on facebook and didn't respond. This has been effectively the final straw for you; and you feel angry and hurt.

I think that he perhaps didn't interpret the message in the spirit that you sent it. He might not be good at dealing with confrontation. Some of the other behaviours that you have described within him sound like he struggles to deal with stressors in a mature way; and in a way that broader society finds acceptable.

He might have a degree of attachment to his possessions in a way that might be hard for him to articulate; particularly if he doesn't have very many? He may be behaving in a way that feels unkind and irrational to you; but he may apply an underlying logic that makes sense to him.

I think it is good that he is becoming more independent . Perhaps an approach to take might be more about expressing a hope that he is enjoying his new home in Wales; and asking if he needs any help with moving his possessions, recognising that they are important to him.

Your mum may also feel uncomfortable in this situation about having two children that she loves in conflict with each other. Your brothers progress in moving to a more stable independent life may be something that she is proud of, but she might also want him to feel comfortable with being able to return

Yellowcakesstand, yours is such a horrifying story, I'm so sorry to read it.

Awful situation and I would feel the same as you.

If he was in his 20’s you could hope he would grow up, mature in his outlook and expectations of his parents and realise he has to eventually make his own way but he’s 54!

Sadly he is taking advantage of your parents and he is being selfish, unreasonable and unkind to your mum.

Tbh I would be discussing the circumstances with a solicitor so you know exactly what he is entitled to as he doesn’t pay any rent/bills and is not a dependent. I would also want to know what his rights will be when your parents pass if he is still living in the house. I know your mum has made a will but my parents had friends who had their son also in his 50’s still living with them and when they both passed he refused to leave the house despite their wishes being for the house to be sold and split 50/50 with his sister. He and his sister had a huge falling out and the last I know of (my parents have since moved) he was still living in the house.

If the Op had said that since getting older her mother had become an absolute walk over over with her very unpleasant son, then i would be worried.

But the mother has utterly failed to assert her role as parent for 54 years. As far as I can tell - this current situation is no different from the past.

what was your childhood like op?

and I would urge you op to go back to the solicitor who oversaw the legalities of your POA to explain to actually what POA means

Thanks for all the advice , some really intersecting viewpoints, especially regarding his attachment to possession.
I will try and answer some questions

Im really sorry if I appear to be labelling bad behaviour as autism

if I hadn’t mentioned it I would have been accused of drip feeding

We have a very autistic household so I’m 99% certain , I would never suggest that being autistic makes him behave like this but it is a factor , I’m really sorry that posters are upset at being tarred with the same brush , however it’s important and relevant
My kids would never behave like this , however the way they respond to situations is very similar and I feel relevant

The bad behaviour is not just because of autism , but the rigid way of behaving , he can’t handle stress or difficult/ fairly normal conversations
/ interactions .
He is clearly demand avoidant ,
He was awful as a child , he stole my money and stuff. He was just vile

I do want him to be happy , just away from us !

When we were young dad was very strict and mum was soft so he never liked dad
Mum has never been able to give consequences to anything he has done , or attempted too which is what I find hard
It’s her personality , terrible people pleaser and was the same at 40 as now

This!

Im going to just leave them all to it . I just needed to hear some opinions to make me see more clearly , thanks to all who took the time to advise
Really helpful , and thought provoking

Your mother has reaped what she sowed.

You obviously care a lot about your mum and find watching her be treated like this very difficult and it's hard to stand by and watch. Wishing you all the best

Ps some pp's have mentioned about POA. A lot of people don't know about these things so don't worry about that. POA is different from LPA. Someone of sound mind can award an ordinary POA to someone to deal with matters for them eg my friend was her brothers attorney and dealt with his house sale for him when he emigrated. A Lasting Power of Attorney is valid when someone loses capacity and needs to be registered.

OP, what you may see as enabling could very well be your Mums survival mechanism keeping her safe. Similar has been said to me numerous times and whilst I understand why it's been said, they are very wrong because what they are actually seeing is my survival mechanism.
My advice would be to continue to offer your Mum non judgmental support and if the opportunity arises where you're able to address anything that's detrimental to her health do so gently. I know it isn't easy seeing our parents treated unkindly and\or taken advantage of so I do understand your frustrations and wish you and your family well.

I would be so Interested to learn more about what your childhood was like op