To not want my flatmate’s gf to come around the house?

[Busssyb]

Whilst I imagine it’s impossible to forbid someone from having a guest over I literally cannot stand this person to the point where I want to move out. I don’t know what else to do. Help.

My flatmate’s gf comes around a few days a week and leaves beer bottles, glasses and plates she’s used lying around the kitchen after she’s left. Her bf refuses to wash them because he claims he didn’t use them, it was her. We end up cleaning after her every single time. She also parks in our neighbour’s space even though we repeatedly ask her not to.

As expected they have sex every single time she’s around and whilst it’s completely acceptable and expected, it is the loudest sex I have ever had to endure. I work from home and have had to stop meetings halfway through because her moaning is so loud that my mic picks it up and it’s beyond embarrassing.

She is also way careless when it comes to our home, she never locks the door after coming in and I’ve even found the door wide open after she’s come through. Never turns lights off and has even left the fridge open overnight and we had to bin most of our food. Last night she left a pile of soaked towels they took the beach on our kitchen wood floorboards which my other housemate saw hours later in the morning. We don’t think there’s any damage to the floor but it is so infuriating to have to put up with this from someone that doesn’t even live here!

We don’t know what to do, we don’t think we can kick him out as technically speaking he’s not the one doing all this but also doesn’t even try to make her treat our house with some respect. Is it even possible to ban someone from your house? What are our options? Should I just move out?

@Busssyb
This sounds absolutely horrendous no way would I stand for this!

Who owns the flat
Is it you or housemate or a rental

If it's yours kick him out
If it's his just move out and same if it's a rental just look for somewhere else - they're being really inconsiderate

Shag the what?

So if she's...one of those for having sex, what's he?

And if you call women that, what should we call you?

A slattern is a dirty untidy person.

@ReneBumsWombatsyou clearly have no idea what skeevy slattern means.

No, it's a dirty untidy woman. It's an explicitly misogynistic term. And in the context of her being "shagged", there are further implications.

Pick it up and throw it all in his bed, keep your own cutlery in your room
Pray to God that your neighbour complains to your LL, she clearly doesn't respect you, silly woman

"Slattern" also carries sexual connotations even on its own. The implication is that it's not just the dishes that make the woman dirty. Sometimes it's explicitly used in place of a word like "slut".

Put it this way: would anyone call a man a "skeevy slattern"? ("Skeevy" can also have sexual connotations, depending on the context, although to be fair that does apply to men as well.)

It's a nasty misogynistic comment. Plenty of ways to reference the fact that she's an antisocial slob without dragging her sex into it. I just did it.

I’d find a new place with the other housemate. Having done many shared homes, it’s not sustainable to live in this kind of stress and deal with the arguments etc. Your home should be where you feel comfortable

This, as a veteran of house shares let me tell you that this won't change. All you can do is consult the landlord and if it can't be fixed quickly then move. House sharing is only possible with a lot of consideration for your housemates, they sound very tricky and the situation is unlikely to resolve itself.

Unfortunately, part of house sharing is living with people who can be awkward. I feel your pain. I once lived with someone who made loud sykpe calls until 3.30 am then took loud showers beside my bedroom at 5am. I was up for work at 7, I had to move out in the end as the shit was keeping me awake night after night despite my pleas to stop.

A classic housesharing problem, really, and one that's probably on the increase due to the state of the housing market and how difficult it is to afford a home. When you share a house or flat with people other than existing friends, there's often at least one tenant who is a PITA in some way (to be fair, sometimes living with a group of friends can show up the fact that someone you thought you liked is an impossible cunt).

I know exactly how much discord one resentful or selfish housemate can create. You know them OP, no one on here does and the only thing I would say is perhaps it's time for you to look for a different house share as it sounds like it's reached the point of no return with this one, he is obviously not invested in creating a harmonious environment and wants things his way.

If it were me I would call a "House meeting" with all rent payers. I would propose your flatmate with the troublesome GF be asked to look for alternative flat.

What did the landlord say?

It's nothing to do with the landlord

I don't think having this conversation in front of everyone else will have the desired effect. Even if the landlord takes some kind of action, that'll cause tension too.

I agree with PPs that the only solution is for one person, or both friendly housemates, to move out. It's unfair and awful but there's no form of confrontation or communication that's likely to form harmony. Dishes in the bed thing is classic and satisfies our love of petty revenge but it doesn't actually create a friendly living environment. Most likely they'll just dump the next lot on yours.

If you lose your housemates over your behaviour, though, you might try to do better when you get a fresh start with the next lot.

This is shared houses I’m afraid. The next girlfriend might be even worse.

Yes it is. One tenant is missusing the property. Annoying the neighbours of the people next door, and leaving mess for other housemates.

the extra guest is using facilities which increase utility costs. The contract is for the people who are tenants, not this extra person.

the landlord should speak to the tenant missusing the property.

I lived in shared housing once, two girls, rest men. The girl let her period products block the toilet, that was it for us, all women out. Men only house. gave us a month to get out.

With shared housing, houses are much better, houses with locked rooms, instead of flats where there is an element of friendship and shared spaces. When I used shared housing I veered away from flats and friendship sharing, and towards locked room in multiple occupancy and just avoided the shared spaces. The bathrooms were invariably disgusting because men were involved.

How did the LL have the right to throw you out too?

💯this.

You tell him that if he’s not going to take responsibility for her, then she can’t visit.

And if that doesn’t work, move out. Life’s too short.

His guest = his responsibility.

If he doesn't want to clear up after her or be responsible for her good behaviour, he needs to stop inviting her over.

What are the terms of your tenancy?

It is normally a standard clause in any tenancy agreement that the tenant has full responsibility for the actions of visitors. Most have clauses about making noise which can be heard outside their room between certain hours, typically 11.00pm to 7.00am.

Are you all on one joint tenancy, or do you each have a separate tenancy?

If separate tenancies then you can reasonably expect your landlord to get involved ( although this advice will be less useful once the provision for section 21 evictions is abolished) and if necessary he could give your flatmate notice to quit.

If it is a joint tenancy between you all that is a bit more complicated, but gives you a little more power.

How many other tenants are there? You need to present a united front and tell him he shapes up or you will end the tenancy. If you are outside the initial fixed term potentially any one of you can end the tenancy. I would suggest taking legal advice before doing so as it is not necessarily straightforward. Also be cautious as the rental market is crazy at present and it may not be easy to get alternative accommodation.

An adult who does not accept normal boundaries and standards of behaviour is unlikely to change, so in the long term the household is unlikely to run smoothly. Finger crossed he and the gf get on so well they want to set up home elsewhere together.

Applause for fake noises might put off them having sex there, but does not address the other issues.

Sadly as personal responsibility was abolished in 1998, you may be left with having to move.

You need to tell him you’re both moving out unless she starts behaving. Hopefully the threat of having to find new housemates (presumably you’re not under contract, and can move out?) will encourage him to address his gf behaviour. If he talks to her but that doesn’t work, tell him he can’t invite her round. You can’t ban her though, so if he just ignores her, there’s not much you can do apart from leave. As he already leaves you to clean up her mess, rather than acknowledging it’s not your mess and as she’s his gf it’s his responsibility, he sounds like a crap housemate. I’d probably just move out anyway so I didn’t have to live with him!

The bathrooms were invariably disgusting because men were involved

I've lived with women who were disgusting and left messes in the toilets, gender really isn't relevant.