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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD15 to feed herself?

451 replies

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 16/08/2022 15:20

Went on a lunch date today. DCs are all older teens. DD (15) is outraged that I didn’t sort out something for her to eat when I got home at 2.30pm

I told her there is bread for toast, wraps, crumpets, leftover chicken in the fridge, noodles/pasta etc and that she can make herself something. She thinks it is selfish of me to feed myself and not her.

WIBU?

YABU she needs lunch and you are mean not to provide her with this before you left or after you came home

YANBU she is 15 with no additional needs, perfectly capable of fending for herself and needs to grow the F up.

I thank you.

OP posts:
ThickLizzy · 16/08/2022 19:19

She thinks it’s similar to me making myself lunch and eating it in front of her and then telling her to make her own.

I see nothing wrong with that!

OhFatty · 16/08/2022 19:19

It’s time for everyone to be making their own lunch. I’ve got older children and that’s how we did it. As long as there’s stuff for sandwiches, or some soup, they’ll be fine.

she’s not a baby

hellotheirsugar · 16/08/2022 19:28

Oh blimey, my DSS at 15 used to feed himself and half my street!
Example
He had a Saturday job and if I was at work an his dad was he used to bring himself and friends back from work and feed them all (melted my heart as 2 was homeless were he helped out and he asked them to come back for dinner because he didn't want them to be hungry an we have lots of food"")
YANBU

ddl1 · 16/08/2022 19:29

YANBU of course; but it sounds as though it's more a case of fussy-eater syndrome, than an actual inability to prepare her own meal.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 19:30

Stapleton143 · 16/08/2022 19:08

My severely autistic daughter who has a learning disability as well could make a sandwich at age 12/13 if left in the kitchen.

Ops daughter can too, but she was feeling a bit needy, as might we all time to time, and probably a bit unsettled by Mom's date with a MAN and a bit sorry for herself. She's human. She's a hormonal teen. She's perfectly typically ordinary in her being a pita occasionally

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 19:34

Further, food is not a pastime, it is a privilege and she should be grateful she has anything to eat in the cupboard at all, “boring” or not.
What the actual hell

Food is not a privilege. Its a basic necessity. You don't CHOOSE to provide you kids with food because they're nice to you or meet your expectations but because to not do so is neglect, even at 15.

Yes there are many kids who have little to nothing in the cupboards, but that isn't the ideal or the base level. That's the kids who are living in neglectful OR poverty stricken homes.

The idea that you letting your kids have food is a privilege they should be grateful is actually abhorrent

Johnnysgirl · 16/08/2022 19:35

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 19:30

Ops daughter can too, but she was feeling a bit needy, as might we all time to time, and probably a bit unsettled by Mom's date with a MAN and a bit sorry for herself. She's human. She's a hormonal teen. She's perfectly typically ordinary in her being a pita occasionally

Show quote history

God, @SleepingStandingUp , do you know op and her daughter personally?
You keep speaking for her and insisting this is perfectly normal behaviour for a 15 year old, despite most of the thread telling you both different.
How odd.

BuwchGochGota · 16/08/2022 19:51

Johnnysgirl · 16/08/2022 19:35

God, @SleepingStandingUp , do you know op and her daughter personally?
You keep speaking for her and insisting this is perfectly normal behaviour for a 15 year old, despite most of the thread telling you both different.
How odd.

Show quote history

@Johnnysgirl it is undoubtedly normal teenage behaviour to have the odd needy day, especially when there's a falling out with friends and a parent's potential new partner thrown into the mix. Teenagers often haven't quite worked out how to express their feelings in an ordered way, so they'll blow up over something which can seem quite ridiculous from an adult perspective.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/08/2022 19:55

I think some people are really reaching and projecting here! No one sounds nasty!

I actually think its really nice that @SecondhandSpaghetti feels safe enough to chuck a bit of a strop and say how she feels and it probably isn't about the food is it, it's about 'Mum went out and had a nice time and a special time and nicer food and I feel a bit neeeeedy'...

Which is bloody normal because she's 15. She's not 42. I am 42 and... I know exactly what I can survive, and I still have needy days!

ReneBumsWombats · 16/08/2022 19:57

Further, food is not a pastime, it is a privilege

It's not a pastime or a privilege. It's a necessity and a right.

But if you're able to prepare it yourself once it's there, you don't need a chef.

MorganKitten · 16/08/2022 19:57

I was making dinners for the whole family at that age!

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/08/2022 19:57

Ugh 'that SecondhandSpaghettis daughter...' someone phoned me mid typing!

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/08/2022 20:14

Johnnysgirl · 16/08/2022 18:52

She's 15?

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@SecondhandSpaghetti

i do not believe this for a second

15 year olds do not talk like this

unbearably twee

SunshineLoving · 16/08/2022 20:16

Yes, of course she should be perfectly capable of feeding herself.

The fact that she was very upset about this suggests to me she is maybe upset about something else. Do you think this lack of confidence with food prep is linked to a general lack of confidence?

Have you tried to increase her confidence with food prep? Have things in that she's comfortable cooking/making? Make dinner with her and help her learn recipes that she's comfortable with.

Also, I do think that your DS should have made lunch for her too. You're a family and I would be teaching them that they should also ask the family who are there if they want lunch making too.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/08/2022 20:17

Johnnysgirl · 16/08/2022 18:52

She's 15?

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@SecondhandSpaghetti

do not believe this for a second

“mama”

15 year olds do not talk like this

unbearably twee

LateAF · 16/08/2022 20:18

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 18:56

And 15 year old can have shitty days when they want to be shown love, just love adults

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Completely agree. Everyone on this thread acting like 15 year olds can’t have bad days or be stroppy. There’s no need to name call as well about a teenager- some posters are so rude.

OP sounds like she’s doing an amazing job and very in tune with her daughters feelings and needs. Her daughter was likely triggered about her loss of friends by her mum socialising without her, but expressed through her upset about the food.

I’m impressed in all this that both OP and her daughter kept their humour and communicated without rudeness to each other. That is more important than principles and point scoring.

Purplespup16 · 16/08/2022 20:22

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 18:37

I hope he's making her food back too or equivalents

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He does does do things for her don’t worry!

ddl1 · 16/08/2022 20:23

Paddleandbail · 16/08/2022 19:10

Gosh that’s so entitled and selfish. Sorry but she seriously needs to grow up. I was making myself breakfasts lunches and dinners from the age of 13 (not all of them but a fair whack!). When was the last time she made lunch for you?!

Further, food is not a pastime, it is a privilege and she should be grateful she has anything to eat in the cupboard at all, “boring” or not.

Show quote history

Food is neither a pastime nor a privilege. It's a necessity of life.

I think that on this occasion, the dd was being silly and stroppy, and, well, teenagerish; but that doesn't make food a privilege!

Topgub · 16/08/2022 20:27

Tearful whining over this would piss me off as much as the I dont think I should have to make my own food

Whoopsies · 16/08/2022 20:40

Jesus Christ, today I made myself some lunch and sat and ate it and my 8 year old came in and made himself a sandwich!!!

SKD0910 · 16/08/2022 22:05

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 18:48

I’d be devastated if my 15 year old daughter needed me to show that I dare she doesn’t go hungry. Surely the past 15 years have shown that?

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I’m sorry - ‘devastated’!? Overreact much?

I’m sure we all need occasional reassurance about stuff we already know to be true, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a child needing that extra boost or affection from her mum, in whatever way that manifests.

Isahlo · 16/08/2022 22:15

Maybe I’m weird but if I’m making a meal I offer everyone else who’s in the house at the time food too. Oh I’m doing a round of toast/fish fingers/cheese sandwich/grabbing a bag of crisps/a cuppa/a biscuit/making a cottage pie for tea etc do you want one/some

Isahlo · 16/08/2022 22:18

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/08/2022 20:17

@SecondhandSpaghetti

do not believe this for a second

“mama”

15 year olds do not talk like this

unbearably twee

Show quote history

Ive been calling my mother mumma for almost thirty years…

hotfroth · 16/08/2022 22:19

Whenever I went out and left my dd unattended in the kitchen at that age, I'd come home to find a tray of 48 freshly baked chocolate brownies.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/08/2022 22:25

I *do not believe this for a second

15 year olds do not talk like this

unbearably twee*

My dd calls me MAMA. Usually when she's trying to butter me up.

It's not that twee. I mostly laugh.

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