To expect DD15 to feed herself?

[SteveHarringtonsChestHair]

Went on a lunch date today. DCs are all older teens. DD (15) is outraged that I didn’t sort out something for her to eat when I got home at 2.30pm

I told her there is bread for toast, wraps, crumpets, leftover chicken in the fridge, noodles/pasta etc and that she can make herself something. She thinks it is selfish of me to feed myself and not her.

WIBU?

YABU she needs lunch and you are mean not to provide her with this before you left or after you came home

YANBU she is 15 with no additional needs, perfectly capable of fending for herself and needs to grow the F up.

I thank you.

I voted YANBU because you definitely are not BU but maybe your daughter just wanted some TLC/love? As you say she's capable of making something for herself. Did you manage her expectations before you left - I'll be home later, sort your own lunch, this is what there is to eat.

I know it sounds like micro-managing but sometimes just knowing you care that she won't 'go hungry' while you go out for a nice lunch can help.

Also I realise that you didn't actually ask for advice, and that this was more about showing your daughter how unrealistic her expectations were!

I posed this situation to my 15yr old DD.
She's not keen on cooking or food preparation but said she'd have made her own lunch.
She reckons it's less about the food than feeling a bit lonely. (Projection).

If I'm going to make a sandwich, I check if my husband is hungry too. If he's making breakfast he checks if I'm hungry too. We eat lunch and dinner at a time suitable for us both. We share the prep so it isn't about one of your slaving after the other. I've just cooked his dinner. Because it took very little extra time to make twice as much. It's also very little
extra effort to spread two more pieces of bread and slice extra cheese.

I'd think it really rude for someone to go into the kitchen at a mealtime, make food and not ask the other people in that family if they want food too.

We also see if the other person wants a drink if we're making one or an ice cream etc after dinner.

Lonely? Her brother was there. She could have joined him for lunch when he was making his, rather than whine that he hadn't made hers too.

@SleepingStandingUp but that's not what has happened. OP went out for lunch so wasn't in the kitchen making a sandwich!

My dcs are 11 and 15 both have made themselves lunch most days of the school holidays.

If your DH didn't make you lunch before going out you would be unimpressed? oh and that's not what I said @SheeWeee , I'm talking about both sitting I ntbe living room, one of you making food, sitting down and telling the other person "well you know where the kitchen is" rather than just asking if they're want something too

Yes, I'm aware.

Her daughter said it was equivalent to her eating food in front of her and not offering her some. A PP said it was fine to do this. That's what I and another poster replied to.

YANBU! My 15 year old DD not only sorts her own lunches but her 19 year old brother and herself make lunches for everyone else on the weekend and cook the odd dinner in the week! She also bakes cakes/desserts sometimes for herself and sometimes for all of us. Next time she goes out with her friends for lunch/dinner tell her you expect her to sort food for you too seeing as that’s what she thinks should happen when you go out!

I hope he's making her food back too or equivalents

So if you're going out for lunch you'll make theirs first??

Thing is you are actually doing a good thing.

Our jobs as parents are of course to care for our children but most importantly it's to bring up independent adults.

That starts with making your own sandwich

Oh lord, at 13 I was cooking proper meals for my kid brother and disabled dad whilst my mum worked to support us.

Im not even 30 yet so I can’t believe there is THIS much of a generation gap. i mean seriously

I know I started this because I used to go out for date nights with my ex (not their dad) and make them food before I left. The expectation has always been that I sort it out, so it’s definitely on me I know that.

DD has just got me a drink and some tablets as I have a headache.

The point about her being over-protective could well be part of it too. I know she’d rather I stay single tbh, but as soon as she’s out and about with friends again I’ll be left on my own!

Also agree that the TLC thing is a factor. She didn’t need me to make her food, she needed me to show that I care that she doesn’t go hungry. She just cuddled up to me and said “I appreciate you mama”

I’d be devastated if my 15 year old daughter needed me to show that I dare she doesn’t go hungry. Surely the past 15 years have shown that?

Care

In your case, it isn't a generation gap. It's the difference between a child carer and a bit child carer.

Name change?

*not rather than bit

So showing you care is something that you just stop doing one day because they should know?

My 7 year old makes herself sandwiches, YANBU.

All 5 of my kids made their own lunch once they were in secondary school. My youngest dd has just turned 17 so has definitely had to deal with stresses of modern teens doing GCSEs through lockouts. My 12 and 9 year old gc are also perfectly capable of making their own lunch and have even offered to make lunch for their parents on occasion.

I get the block on cooking, because my dd has the same but is slowly getting over it with a limited range of meals she can make. But making lunch is no big deal.

I think this thread is very hard on OP's DD. She has never pretended to be unable to take something in the physical way, it was always about feelings. And for some people getting food is the easiest way to get some attention or care.

Yes sorry. Tried to change back for the rest of the thread but it wouldn’t accept my previous name!

DD has just said that she’s sorry and that in hindsight she was definitely being unreasonable and probably could have put something together herself. She was hangry