To wonder why so many women put up with this shit

[Stylishkidintheriot]

www.theguardian.com/money/2022/aug/15/how-to-achieve-an-equal-split-of-household-chores-kate-mangino#comment-158160830

I don’t get it: I really don’t. Not in this day and age.

if a man isn’t pulling his weight, why the fuck would you stay in a relationship or have children with him?

For me, pre children, we were pretty even but then having a child came with a whole new load of responsibilities that weren't there before. We should have sat down renegotiated our day-to-day tasks and chores but we didn't. I stepped up because I had no choice (I was on maternity leave and breastfeeding) but my dh didn't (well, not enough anyway). Resentment soon built up and we had a really rough year, but we did eventually find our feet and renegotiate and things became more even. I won't lie, it's not 50/50 but it's close enough for me not to feel unhappy or resentful and so I don't strive for that any more. The important thing for me is that my dh makes me feel appreciated for the extra I do and he does.

Because for some, it’s better than being single.

Got a massive shock when we had our first child, and mine stopped doing the things he previously had been doing!

Including telling me when he was coming home - we’d always told each other up to that point, but once I needed to know when another pair of hands/ a human to talk to was arriving home he stopped telling me. Wouldn’t have it that he needed to at least text “on my way” (we were both self employed so never worked set hours).

Suddenly because we had a baby everything was my job. Was a real shock.

Yes I was foolish to stay around for another 7 years including another baby, but it’s that much harder to leave once you’ve reached that stage

And actually leaving / divorcing was a hellish process as he became unbelievably difficult to deal with.

He’s got a new partner and another child now, and apparently that’s on the rocks.

A man that stays at home, does housework and looks after the kids is also a hard working SAHP, a cocklodger is a totally different animal.

I agree, although I generally find though that stay at home dads are often assumed to be some kind of failure insofar as only taking on the primary caring role because they were unable to secure a decent job as opposed to the couple having a serious chat about what arrangement is best for them and their kids. Let's be honest, there is still a stigma around this, no woman has said "what I am really looking for is a man who would prefer to be a stay at home dad looking after the kids and doing all the domestic chores while I work full time as the main earner"

Surprised no-one has said that women accept unfairness because they don't want DC to be neglected. "Nice holidays" is debatable but healthy food, fitting suitable clothes, sufficient clean school uniform and school supplies, permission forms for trips, birthday parties, clubs and hobbies? Being able to invite a friend for tea? You've only to see the kind of thing posted on here to see that some of this takes a nose dive post separation when there are EOW type arrangements.

My DDad is nice enough. What they used to call a "good provider".

He wouldn't have managed much of that!

Looks like having a penis should qualify as having a disability. It seems to really affect men's day-to-day life and ability to function without assistance.

Doesn't seem to affect their earnings on average though? Hmm, could there be a connection?

I think that's because they are able to hire carers for cheap.

You wonder why women put up with it rather than how men can choose not to contribute and run their partners ragged????
Mines just lazy but also doesn't get stressed about the same things, like whether the kids are seeing friends, or giving them a nice birthday or whether they can swim or not. Wouldn't give a shit if someone came round and the house was a mess. Whereas I know I'd get judged to fuck by other mums if I wasn't doing all this extra stuff all the time.

A lot of women would rather have children with a waste of apace than not have them. I have three friends who’ve openly told me they think their husbands are crap partners but they want to have more kids. It baffles me but society places massive weight on motherhood so perhaps it shouldn’t.

So many judgy comments on here. Is it so difficult to understand that not everyone has the same life experiences and it is these that shape us? The whole smug "That would never be me" really grates on me.

But to answer the question here are some possible reasons

Low self esteem
Poor role models growing up
The dp / dh becoming more lazy or abusive over time
Joint finances
Poverty
Not wanting children to have shared living arrangements if dp or dh is likely to look good on paper but not be a good dad in reality

And these are just a few reasons.

When people keep saying "society" it feels like sometimes it's some entity deprived of women. Women are part of society and shape it as well. Most judgy comments I ever got in my life about my life were from women. We shape it for other women as much as men do just from different angles.

Oh and I got lots pity because I am happily child free by choice😂

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you. I work part time, do all the cleaning and cooking and general life admin for everyone, and have a very busy after school life with three children who all have different activities every day if the week. I am dead tired, I never expected to be a cleaner/Uber driver/cook etc

When we were married I have up my career which I had worked really hard for, to raise our family. We had a cleaner three days per week and a nanny every weekday. Our finances changed drastically so we can’t have any of that since about four years, so I went back to work.

But my husband can’t help me, he leaves home at 6.30 and comes back at 7.30 exhausted. I don’t know what the solution is, we just have to keep going like this I guess

It's because society as a whole has low standards for men still. A dad who changes nappies is a 'good' dad but would you give the same praise to a mother? Also many model their relationships on that of their own parents, if you come from a family or social group where mens laziness is laughed at you are more likely to repeat the cycle. Some women just have low standards. Another explanation is that they are happy with that set up, it isn't one size fits all. Often though I think when it's just the couple the women doesn't realise how much she just takes on until she has a baby, is sleep deprived and having a man who can't plate a meal you have cooked becomes a problem. Then the resentment builds and I definitely think that is why many couples split when their children are young The unequal division of labour becomes obvious.

I'm on a Facebook group for women who have had babies at the same time as me and the amount of women who complain about this astounds me. These are women from all walks of life, some educated, some not and mostly white (I'm asian) so privileged to some degree and they put up with it. I wouldn't. We had the division of labour chat pretty early on in our relationship and talked about kids and my wanting to continue working. Had dh not been on the same page as cute as he was I'd have ditched him and moved on. Thankfully he wanted to be a hands on dad and he very much is, he also does his fair share around the house too. The reason it works is because we are a team. I'm a regular women, not particularly special by any means but I am confident in myself and my own self worth. I'd rather have been single than shackled to a deadbeat.

I don't think it's just society (although there is a LOT of societal pressure), in addition there is in many people an innate biological urge to reproduce. Not everyone gets this - it hasn't hit me so far - but it's there for a lot of people. And for those people the desire to have children will mean they're prepared to overlook flaws in their partner.

@Lockheart I agree, although I think it’s unfortunate that so many (not you!) use that as an excuse for not engaging their brains as well.

I should point out that I have no issue with SAHP: but both parents should have the same “downtime”, and not the man coming home and doing sweet duck all while the woman is running around doing everything. See it so bloody often. Girls need to be told early on to choose wisely the man you procreate with.

And I find it hilarious the “pity” given to childless single women.

Girls need to be told early on not to put themselves in vulnerable positions by being the sahm

In many cases she only goes back PT, in addition to lower pay than the man. So she is in essence being the nurturer while he's the provider. Actually I think in most cases where the woman does more of the housework, it's not because the man isn't pulling his weight, but rather he's pulling his weight in other departments (providing).

This. And it's oversold because it benefits men, at women's expense.

I don't see why pay comes into it. Hours do, if my partner is only working part time then I expect them to do more about the house than me, but if we're on the same amount of hours but I'm earning more than her then why should I get any slack on the chores, we both have the amount of free time to do them?

I think some part is also kind of a "not going to be alone in here in this shit" thing. Because only people trying to sell me motherhood were women!
Misery loves company (not saying all motherhood is misery. But the miserable ones try to sell it the hardest)

I think that's fair