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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DD

322 replies

Snowisallaround · 15/08/2022 18:55

For ringing the switchboard to speak to me while I was at work today!! To ask if she could go to the cinema with her friends this afternoon! She’s 17 if that makes any difference. She did try to ring and text my mobile but I was in a meeting! I just feel she should have waited for me to see her message or missed call instead of calling the switchboard in an effort to reach me

OP posts:
Ragwort · 15/08/2022 21:35

I don't think it's a big deal to phone you at work but surely she doesn't need to spend all her allowance every week, doesn't she have some savings put by so that she doesn't have to ask every time she wants something?
And doesn't she have a part time job? My DS was doing a paper round from 14.

CPL593H · 15/08/2022 21:35

I was going to say teenagers are going to teenage and march to the rhythm of their own strange drum (as we all did) but then saw you forgot to transfer her allowance. On you OP so please calm down, no harm is done anyway.

KnockedInn · 15/08/2022 21:36

Snowisallaround · 15/08/2022 19:02

To be fair to her if she had waited for me to see her text/missed call then she probably wouldn’t have had the money in time and therefore wouldn’t have been able to go to the cinema

Appears you've pointed out how the switchboard was the only way for your daughter to help herself, in a situation YOU created, due to your forgetfulness. I'm sure there's a part of your daughter that was fuming also, that you put her in the position to have to [try to reach you] so she could let her friends know if she would be able to join them. Which wouldn't even have been necessary - if you hadn't screwed up!

As the majority of votes indicate, you are being unreasonable. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at yourself for causing the entire incident.

And apologizing to your daughter when you get home, wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to do either.

NumberTheory · 15/08/2022 21:37

Snowisallaround · 15/08/2022 20:55

I assume she didn’t tell the admin team what was urgent about it, because it wasn’t urgent and she knows that!

For me, this detail really changes things and this would really annoy me. Her calling and not realising. Asking to speak to you and being put through. That’s all explainable as not really understanding what work’s like.

Telling the receptionist it’s urgent when she knows it isn’t and knows you’re in a meeting is very different. It’s entitled, manipulative and disrespectful of you and everyone else in your meeting.

stuntbubbles · 15/08/2022 21:38

72% think YABU but I bet if you’d put the drip feed about not transferring her allowance into the OP, it’d be unanimous. How can YOU be fuming at HER? You left her short of money, she used her initiative to contact you, and it sounds like you’ve never had a “the switchboard is for ‘your leg has fallen off or you’re dead’ emergencies only” conversation. Your stance is so unreasonable, you now owe her cinema-price pick’n’mix as atonement.

GettingOrganisedNow · 15/08/2022 21:41

Ragwort · 15/08/2022 21:35

I don't think it's a big deal to phone you at work but surely she doesn't need to spend all her allowance every week, doesn't she have some savings put by so that she doesn't have to ask every time she wants something?
And doesn't she have a part time job? My DS was doing a paper round from 14.

I agree with this. She's 17 and doesn't even have a tenner in savings? Even if she doesn't have a job (and I appreciate they can be hard to get, especially if you're living rurally and don't drive etc), does she not put some of her allowance into a bank account?

Dixiechickonhols · 15/08/2022 21:41

Mine’s 16 and I’d be unimpressed if she did that. At 17 she should be able to go to cinema with her mates not involving you (I’d expect a message about where she was) Why hasn’t she any money? I’d have a chat about getting a job asap.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 21:42

Snowisallaround · 15/08/2022 19:03

I won’t get into trouble. I’m a head of department in an extremely large company. But no I won’t be in trouble for it

Show quote history

You say you are not embarrassed by the call, won't get into trouble for it ... & more tellingly, have declined to answer PP asking if you have ever spelled out the protocol for work calls to your DD.

yet you are "fuming" over a short, simple phone call, which only came about because YOU forgot to transfer DD's allowance?

You are so unreasonable this must be a hellish reverse of some kind ...

NumberTheory · 15/08/2022 21:44

KnockedInn · 15/08/2022 21:36

Appears you've pointed out how the switchboard was the only way for your daughter to help herself, in a situation YOU created, due to your forgetfulness. I'm sure there's a part of your daughter that was fuming also, that you put her in the position to have to [try to reach you] so she could let her friends know if she would be able to join them. Which wouldn't even have been necessary - if you hadn't screwed up!

As the majority of votes indicate, you are being unreasonable. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at yourself for causing the entire incident.

And apologizing to your daughter when you get home, wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to do either.

Show quote history

If my kids fumed that I forgot to transfer their allowance when they hadn’t noticed themselves before I went to work, I’d be considering stopping the allowance altogether. It’s a gift, not an entitlement. If they want to be demanding about money they can get a job.

k1233 · 15/08/2022 21:48

I'd be cranky. If she was told you were in a meeting then she should have asked when it was finishing and if she could leave a message for you when you got out. That's still a bit excessive IMO as she could have text etc but you may not have seen a text in time.

Cinema is certainly not an emergency worthy of interrupting a meeting. I'd be very cross too.

XelaM · 15/08/2022 21:50

Huh? What's the big deal? 🤷‍♀️

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/08/2022 21:55

I admire DD’s nous!

Schooldil3ma · 15/08/2022 21:55

Cool story Bro

Confusion101 · 15/08/2022 21:57

Dunno why some people are responding so aggressively. Dunno why you are absolutely fuming over this. No harm done really so think you should use it as a learning moment.... Set up a DD for the allowance and calmly set out the boundaries for ringing switchboard in the future. Move on!

Quia · 15/08/2022 22:01

Snowisallaround · 15/08/2022 19:03

I won’t get into trouble. I’m a head of department in an extremely large company. But no I won’t be in trouble for it

Show quote history

So why does it matter?

KnockedInn · 15/08/2022 22:04

NumberTheory · 15/08/2022 21:44

If my kids fumed that I forgot to transfer their allowance when they hadn’t noticed themselves before I went to work, I’d be considering stopping the allowance altogether. It’s a gift, not an entitlement. If they want to be demanding about money they can get a job.

Show quote history

You're outnumbered love. Just because you are that kind of parent, doesn't make it the right way to parent.

How do you know it's a gift??? She could be earning it in many different ways!!! Meaning - she is entitled to her earnings! (Most good parents do have expectations of their children doing work for them, so that they understand the value of money.)

And it was a one time mistake the op made, so I'm sure DD's unaccustomed to thinking she needs to check behind her mother every week. We don't even know what time OP left for work. DD was likely still asleep.

jammiewhammie65 · 15/08/2022 22:08

Snowisallaround · 15/08/2022 19:02

To be fair to her if she had waited for me to see her text/missed call then she probably wouldn’t have had the money in time and therefore wouldn’t have been able to go to the cinema

Why hasn't she got her own money ? At 17 she should have a job surely

jammiewhammie65 · 15/08/2022 22:10

Cannylaughs · 15/08/2022 19:03

Perhaps set up a weekly/monthly allowance so she learns to budget and can prioritise activities. This will also cut out the need to ring you and promote independence. Someone will come along and say she should get a job but I don't know your circumstances plus temp jobs aren't in abundance in some areas.
It really isn't the end of the world in a one off situation, very rarely are meetings critically important.

Seriously she shouldn't be getting money at 17 she should have a job

Cherchezlaspice · 15/08/2022 22:11

I still don’t get what you’re actually fuming about, though. To the extent you need to calm down. Multiple people have asked and you’ve ignored them.

You aren’t in trouble and you claim you weren’t embarrassed. Yes, she should have waited. But why has this made you so disproportionately angry?

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 22:13

Cherchezlaspice · 15/08/2022 22:11

I still don’t get what you’re actually fuming about, though. To the extent you need to calm down. Multiple people have asked and you’ve ignored them.

You aren’t in trouble and you claim you weren’t embarrassed. Yes, she should have waited. But why has this made you so disproportionately angry?

OP is VERY IMPORTANT AT WORK @Cherchezlaspice

So it's fine to get all disproportionate over an tiny office protocol matter she has neglected to teach her DD.

AliMonkey · 15/08/2022 22:18

I too would be furious - at 17 she’s old enough to understand that work meetings trump her cinema needs. So perfectly reasonable to text or call your mobile but not reasonable for you to be called in a meeting.

lot123 · 15/08/2022 22:18

Why hasn't she got her own money ? At 17 she should have a job surely

I don't know any 17 year olds near me with a job. Some 18 year olds post A levels have found a summer job.

Credit to those 17 year olds that work and I understand that many 17 year olds have to contribute to household income. But not everyone is in this position and may be able to support their child just studying and playing sport or whatever. Appreciate this may be a fortunate minority and some kids do a great job of balancing working and studying.

NumberTheory · 15/08/2022 22:22

KnockedInn · 15/08/2022 22:04

You're outnumbered love. Just because you are that kind of parent, doesn't make it the right way to parent.

How do you know it's a gift??? She could be earning it in many different ways!!! Meaning - she is entitled to her earnings! (Most good parents do have expectations of their children doing work for them, so that they understand the value of money.)

And it was a one time mistake the op made, so I'm sure DD's unaccustomed to thinking she needs to check behind her mother every week. We don't even know what time OP left for work. DD was likely still asleep.

Show quote history

Being in the minority doesn’t make me wrong. Though I’m not sure that’s clear. Neither the poll (which I voted unreasonable on, because it was about whether OP should be fuming at DD not the other way round) nor people’s comments can be used to judge that.

I suspect if the question of whether a DC was entitled or in the wrong to be fuming if their parent forgot to transfer their allowance one time was put to AIBU the outcome would very much depend on how the wind was blowing at the time and what pile on happened first.

I don’t know that the OP doesn’t have an understanding with her DC that the allowance is in exchange for chores. I said I would consider stopping for mine. While I have expectations of my kids around chores, that doesn’t give them an entitlement to their allowance, and certainly not to be fuming with me for a small mistake.

And even if they got money for doing chores and it was my mistake it hadn’t been transferred, I still would expect better of them than to lie to people at my work in order to satisfy a desire to go on a jolly (as the later drip feed said the DD did).

Cherchezlaspice · 15/08/2022 22:22

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 22:13

OP is VERY IMPORTANT AT WORK @Cherchezlaspice

So it's fine to get all disproportionate over an tiny office protocol matter she has neglected to teach her DD.

Show quote history

😂

RhiWrites · 15/08/2022 22:23

I think it’s past time to teach your daughter the urgent/important window and also manage your finances more smoothly (on both sides).