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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

did my guests abuse my hospitality or is this how friends behave?

161 replies

aroundtheblock · 14/08/2022 20:29

Offered my spare room (my office) to a couple I don't know that well who are in Edinburgh to see fringe shows. They are out drinking and seeing shows all day and most of the night and didn't pay for me to attend any shows with them or take me out for dinner or even bring me a bottle of wine. I get that they are here to network but they both have jobs and I saved them over £500 in accommodation costs. Last night they polished off a bottle of really good gin when they came in pissed. I feel they are treating my place like an airbnb and not treating me like a friend. I just asked them to replace the alcohol they drank because I don't see why I should subsidise them. I can tell by their body language that they are deeply insulted that I asked them to do this. AITA for expecting a gift and telling them to replace expensive booze?

OP posts:
E17Stowmum · 16/08/2022 01:44

Your question answers itself really: hospitality is a 2-way street called manners, and any uncorrected behaviour leaving guests or hosts uncomfortable is rude. This includes ingratitude, breakages, entitlement and definitely pinching booze without replacing.
It's probably no consolation that in the late nineties 12 of us were squeezed into a modest Edinburgh flat during the festival, one loo, and we still managed to find room for a little one who'd lost his digs. Oh what a laugh! I came by some free venison from the Balmoral cull, a mate got some herrings, whisky appeared and what a party we had, Bohemia Central. Maybe there were freeloaders but I never noticed, can't think why.

Meraas · 16/08/2022 06:01

Tell them to leave early as you have guests coming.

LuftBalloons · 16/08/2022 06:38

YANBU

You know they’re being rude. Friends would should have invited you to join them at a show and for dinner and brought a gift to say thank you. Not drunk your gin!

KatherineJaneway · 16/08/2022 06:42

They're not your friends, they are acquaintances, very big difference. Even so they should have bought you wine on arrival and taken you out for a meal or similar but I wouldn't expect them to pay for you to go to shows with them. I would expect them to replace the gin automatically though.

Dirtylittleroses · 16/08/2022 07:28

Gwenhwyfar · 15/08/2022 21:05

The gift comes at the end doesn't it? I always give it at the end anyway.

Yes a lot of people do this, they gift on departure to say thank you. The op wanted it up front though and for them to take her to dinner or pay for her to go to shows with them.

it sounds like they are hardly there, the op said they are out all day and most of the night, clearly the op had expectations of going with them to stuff and she’s upset it’s not the Case. The gin is an odd thing although I’d never ask guests to replace it, it’s fine the op did though.

I suspect a lot of this is down to expectations, they have used the ops place as simply a place to stay and are out doing their thing most of the time, where as the op thought they’d take her with them and maybe out to dinner too.

browneyes77 · 16/08/2022 08:03

Namechangehereandnow · 15/08/2022 21:28

You don’t know them that well yet you complain they don’t treat you like a friend 🫤
You offered them your spare room, and expect them to take you out to shows? 🫤
I think you both have completely different ideas of what this arrangement meant. They’ve accepted your offer of a room 🤷‍♀️

Fairly sure the OP didn’t offer them her Gin though.

They just helped themselves to that.

RosiePosie80 · 16/08/2022 08:11

Are they young? IME some younger people who might be renting with others have less of a sense of being invited to stay in someone’s home as a big deal, as they live alongside other people (and their guests) all the time- you’ve got a spare room, they’re in it. It’s only when you get your own place that inviting someone into it feels like such a big thing. I can remember sharing flats and regularly finding someone sleeping on the sofa- much less ceremony and fuss and being history/guestly than when you’re older.

Obviously drinking your gin was out of order and they should replace it. But it sounds as if you and they have very different ideas of what them coming to stay meant.

Dibbydoos · 16/08/2022 11:15

Friends do too this.

I stayed for 3 weeks atmy mates house in USA after my hubby died. I paid for dinner everytime we went out (most noghts and lunches), I cooked 1 meal. It was lovely and I was grateful. I cleaned up after myself and I brought her kids loads of stuff they asked for. I reckon I spent $8k plus flights. It was worth it to spend time with her when I needed a friend.

Dirtylittleroses · 16/08/2022 11:22

Dibbydoos · 16/08/2022 11:15

Friends do too this.

I stayed for 3 weeks atmy mates house in USA after my hubby died. I paid for dinner everytime we went out (most noghts and lunches), I cooked 1 meal. It was lovely and I was grateful. I cleaned up after myself and I brought her kids loads of stuff they asked for. I reckon I spent $8k plus flights. It was worth it to spend time with her when I needed a friend.

I’d be ashamed for someone to stay with me and buy me lunch and dinner most days for three weeks and gifts, that’s horrendous.

Silvers11 · 16/08/2022 13:08

Dibbydoos · 16/08/2022 11:15

Friends do too this.

I stayed for 3 weeks atmy mates house in USA after my hubby died. I paid for dinner everytime we went out (most noghts and lunches), I cooked 1 meal. It was lovely and I was grateful. I cleaned up after myself and I brought her kids loads of stuff they asked for. I reckon I spent $8k plus flights. It was worth it to spend time with her when I needed a friend.

That was way over the top by you and If I had been your 'friend' no way would I have let you do and spend all that money. Not a chance. I reckon your 'Mate' took advantage of you and she should be ashamed of herself. She took advantage of you at a vulnerable time when your head wouldn't be clear and you were so grateful to her for putting you up in her house. Not much of a friend in my opinion. Sorry

Madamum18 · 16/08/2022 14:32

Entitled and selfish and taking the

Namechangehereandnow · 16/08/2022 16:33

browneyes77 · 16/08/2022 08:03

Fairly sure the OP didn’t offer them her Gin though.

They just helped themselves to that.

Show quote history

As someone said above - if OP has said ‘help yourself to anything, treat it as your home’ etc, then they would think they can drink the gin. If she specifically said ‘don’t drink my gin’ then that’s a different story.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/08/2022 18:03

Just wondering if these 'guests' have offered to replace the gin that they drank yet or if you've even asked them to replace it?

Purple52 · 17/08/2022 17:06

Having recently been at Edinburgh fringe and stayed in the sweat pit travelodge I can confirm you have saved them significantly more than £500 !!

if you’ve offered a free room - don’t be offended by lack of payment …. Especially from “creatives” (sorry - but I also read that as entitled free loaders - from experience - not intended to offend you - just based on similar experiences)
but they should never have drank your gin in the first place! & should definitely replace it.

all the “free” stuff at fringe is telling you that you should be paying £10/£20 because you watched it …. Try that before they leave !! …. Put your hat out! ;-)

Noodles1234 · 17/08/2022 17:09

I would have bought flowers or a bottle of wine as a gift / offer to buy a takeaway for you all to enjoy, although some people would not.

disrespectful to drink your alcohol without you offering, I would not miss the friendship once they have gone.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/08/2022 17:41

"The gift comes at the end doesn't it? I always give it at the end anyway.
Yes a lot of people do this, they gift on departure to say thank you."

Thank God I haven't been doing it wrong all these years.
I also tend to stay with people who are fine with me doing my own thing - I get my own key and can come and go. If I'm not sure I'll have this freedom I pay to stay elsewhere and if I can't afford a hotel I'll stay in uni accommodation or wherever I can afford.
I have drunk a host's tea and milk, but never a whole bottle of gin. I can sort of see how it happened though and they may have always intended to replace it. Depends if it's rare or bog standard.

Lucyccfc68 · 17/08/2022 17:53

Incredibly cheeky.

I would have turned up with a bottle of gin, flowers and chocolates as a gift. Bought at least a takeaway or taken you out for dinner and a ticket to a show.

When I stay with friends, I always tidy away after meals and wash pots and or help prepare meals and if it’s for a week. I would buy food too.

JudgeJ · 17/08/2022 17:56

Cheeky sods, Edinburgh is prohibitively expensive during the Festival, (and every other event they can screw people over!) I recently asked a friend if I could stay with her for an evening when I had to be in her area, I took her flowers, wine and paid for our lunch out the following day!

Kisskiss · 17/08/2022 18:04

Did you offer or did they ask? If you offered then YABU to expect a gift as the offer should really have no strings attached (although most normal people would bring one anyway)
that said, they should definitely have replaced the gin without you asking !!

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 17/08/2022 18:11

I would have turned up with some wine flowers etc and paid for a take away or meal out. I can’t imagine helping myself to the booze cabinet but if it happened in a drunken oversight of decent behaviour I would be replacing it without having to be asked and I’d be embarrassed and grovelling the next day.

TheNewlmprovedMrsMadEvans · 17/08/2022 18:15

You have well and truly been taken for a ride OP however this is a valuable lesson to learn, chose your friends wisely Flowers

Backtobacknow · 17/08/2022 18:20

Total pisstakers! Get rid.

ljbrad · 17/08/2022 18:28

Yeah... they're being unreasonable. You're saving them a fortune, while I wouldn't necessarily expect them to take you to shows, many locals aren't into doing stuff at the fringe, I would expect them to show you some appreciation and not eat your food/ drink your booze.

My brother did similar at mine a few years ago - crashed for the fringe, but even though he was skint he stillghot me some nice chocolates and a bottle of rum!

I would be turfing them out, sharing the room with decent people or making some money by renting it out for a reasonable rate!

Banana2079 · 17/08/2022 19:39

They might have been planning to give you something when they left
but u will never know now lol as you asked for. The Gin back , which was the right thing to do , because they might not have given you anything
you can put your spare room on booking.com where people can actually PAY to stay with you

Touchmybum · 17/08/2022 23:01

I think you've put up with enough with these entitled people.

Take the key off them and tell them straight that the arrangement isn't working for you and they need to leave. Write the gin off - you are never getting that! - tbh I'd have removed any alcohol or anything else expensive that you didn't want them to have. Sure they will probably never speak to you again - will you miss them?!

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