For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

YANBU

I don't care whose house it is, or if the holiday is free, if OP can't chill out on her holiday and do bugger all then why on earth can't she? I wouldn't want a holiday where I had to be on best behaviour all the time.

It seems that SIL is sticking her nose in and trying to stir up bad feeling in something that is none of her business.

Let DH sort it out between his DM and his DSis, and make sure that next time you are on your own for your weeks break, and DH needs to sort that out too.

Fetishising housework, imo

Best behaviour? Keeping the house clean after herself? Maybe the in laws hate living in dirt. The OP clearly states THEY (her and her DH) do no cleaning for a full week when they are there. Can you imagine how bad it gets?

Make sure you get a week on your own next time? It's not their house and DH has no right to demand that.

You’re staying at their second home, presumably for free (or considerably cheaper than a normal hotel/apartment/villa would cost), and as a one off they are there with you.
You have carried on as you would have done had they NOT been there. But they are. It’s their house, their rules.
You are a lazy, entitled CF. Get off your arse and help.

The DH is no better, he helped Mammy twice with the dinner when she instigated it, that's all. They are BOTH to blame.

You have a clean towel to dry your clean body with every day?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable as such, but I do think there needs to be some communication. Eg they need to know you will do a big clean at the end, and thus would rather not do much in the middle.

However it’s their house and if your MIL would like a bit of help cleaning up (no need for more as he’s cooking) I think you have to give it - or you need to get your DH to explain your mental health is battered so you actually really have to just rest.

I would get your DH to raise it w MIL and take it from there.

I doubt it’s a huge thing, you SIL is just being a bitch. I wouldn’t respond to her, again your DH should do that if necs.

She could pay for an actual holiday, not rely on her in laws to free up their place for her 🙄

What on earth do you think happens in a week - you seem to think OP would end up in squalor

You’ve already railed against towels being used for a week - it’s really ok to relax

Every second or third day I do, not once a fucking week!

I would’ve made my excuses and left. It’s their house after all. I wouldn’t have, however, missed the opportunity to give them a gentle lesson on gender stereotypes and why you don’t want to bring your children up with outdated notions that domestic responsibility lies entirely with females.

💯

The OP is very clearly not a CF, just a woman who thought she was going on holiday.

I think part of the problem is that, while men are often assigned specific tasks on the basis that once those are finished it's perfectly acceptable to glue their arses to the sofa, women are expected to hover and make themselves generally available to be helpful.

No he has cooked twice and helped his mother on other occasions. If you’re going to rant get your facts right.

@Scianel @Cognacsoft From the OP herself:

However, I'm still treating the place as I usually do when we're on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking.

From the MIL's perspective, the guests are not completely pulling their weight. If the MIL is happy for her husband, the FIL, not to pull his weight, more fool her, but that's not what she complained to her DD about.

Unfortunately, to keep the pleasant relationship OP has previously enjoyed with her MIL, she either needs to make more of an effort, or get her DH to do more on behalf of them both. Collectively, as a family, they're making work for MIL, and that's not fair.

P.S. I would never again be at the holiday home at the same time as PIL, knowing their dynamic and expectations.

Not cleaning for a full week with small kids and 4 adults, I imagine it could get very dirty indeed. No bathrooms being cleaned, no hoovering, no wiping down etc....Would you not do a thing in your own house for a week and think it was ok to live like that or worse still have someone else do it for you?

@Bubbafly @Scianel

I hate to break it to you but changing a towel once a week is normal. You are after all drying a body that has just been washed.

He is taking the piss and doing FUCK ALL.

OP YANBU at all. I never understand why people think it's necessary to maintain normal excessive daily cleaning routines on holiday and then complain 'same shit different location'.

If you keep the kitchen usable and clean up the rest of the house at the end, exactly how bad can it get in a week or so and what does it matter if it's not permanently spotless?

You're on holiday. Relax FFS.

Nope, it's not.

it's extremely unhygienic.

You are absolutely right.

When you are on your own with your family but not when you are holidaying with other people who actually own the property and don't want to live like that.

But the OP isn’t sharing a bathroom with the PILs so that’s irrelevant.

She says she cleans superficially after making dinner - quick wiperound will do that. Why is it necessary to hoover unless somethings spilled?

But he’s not, is he.

Then FIL can crack on. Oh no he’s a man, he doesn’t have to

Sounds like FIL is the only one on holiday this summer.