For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

For what it's worth, if I'd gone to the house expecting it to be empty, to find my in laws there, I'd have given it a night or two and made my excuses ("oh the baby is so unsettled/too poorly/maybe we underestimated it, ah well") and gone home.

My introvert brain couldn't cope with such a total change in dynamic with no warning, I'd have gotten the fuck out of dodge town, sharpish.

Spot on!

I wouldn’t be so sure that the MIL even complained. It could be the SIL asked a bunch of questions and then made some leaps based on the answers.

everything sounds as if everyone is ok until the bit about the text from SIL.

Are you sure that your MIL has said something to her or could it be that SIL is unhappy that you are all there together and she is feeling left out?

I think you need to tell MIL that you aren't intending on doing much round the house but that your husband will help out where he can.

And I think I WOULD ask SIL if she has sent the text off her own bat or if MIL is unhappy with the arrangements. MIL equally should be talking to you if she is unhappy and not with your SIL.

I think that's fair - I'm positive my MIL doesn't know BIL sent us a bossy email about a similar matter and I reckon she'd be mortified if she did.

If the SIL and OP don't get on there may also be jealousy about the use of the holiday house.

Why is your DH doing cooking with or for his mum if, as you say, you are treating the place as you would if the in-laws weren't there ie: going out to eat or throwing something in the oven.
I'd ignore the SiL as she has nothing to do with the arrangement.
Who cooks for your ma in law when she and her DH are there on their own? If, in that instance, she does the cooking and cleaning then why does she need a helping hand when you're there?
I'd explain that you usually do a binge tidy on the last day but if she's unhappy about it then you'll tidy as you go.
I'd not be happy with a stressful week doing what other people expect.
Hope you get/got it sorted and everyone happy.

You sound spoilt, lazy and entitled.

Have your DH deal with his sister.

Your DH should be doing more, not you if you're up all night while he sleeps.

So as usual its fellow woman berating other woman for not doing the grunt work whilst the males are expected to be sat scratching there arses whilst waiting to be handed tongs to turn the meat on the BBQ and be handed a beer. Ignore the text and if it was me I would confront MIL . I would be truly fascinated at her response when your DH is helping with stuff. cooking meals and your dealing with the DC whilst her own DH sits watching on...

I'd just go home and arrange your own holiday for next year.

You’re staying in their house whilst they’re in residence. You need to act accordingly.

It’s different if you’re there alone and can do a big tidy at the end.

You may find yourselves banned from using the place at all!!

I agree with this. If you usually have the place to yourselves you should have known this in advance this wasn't going to be the case. Next year, I'd book somewhere else.

Even if there is a point that if they are around you should be helping out, your SIL should have spoke to both of you collectively, or asked her brother.

TBH, I’d be mortified if someone text me that about cleaning up. You are in someone else’s home, and you should be respectful. I doubt they’d let you stay again if they see how you treat the place when they are there.

Just forward SIL's text to DH and let him deal with it.

You sound spoilt, lazy and entitled

You sound rude, unpleasant and spiteful.

MIL is obviously unhappy so you both need to contribute more. It's her house and you are being very rude.

Somebody must have said something to your SIL, and that person must have been your MIL. SIL should have kept her beak out though, given she's not even there.

As the circumstances are different to your usual break, you probably do need to make more of an effort to keep things clean and tidy, given your PIL are there too, and it's their home.

If I was in their shoes, I'd probably feel quite annoyed at one adult guest lazing around while the other did most, but not everything, in terms of contributing to the household while there.

I'm guessing your PIL don't ask you to pay anything towards your stay, and if that's the case, even more reason to go out of your way to demonstrate your part in helping around the house on this holiday. The dynamics are different, so you need to take it in the chin, and resolve not to go to the holiday home at the same time as PIL in future.

If I was in their shoes, I'd probably feel quite annoyed at one adult guest lazing around while the other did most, but not everything, in terms of contributing to the household while there

OP has said that FIL does absolutely nothing though, she's up hourly overnight with a small child recently out of hospital, and her DH is helping the MIL. Plus she's cooking and cleaning up after her child.
She must already be dead on her feet.
Yes it's the PILs house but do they not have any desire to show a bit of kindness to their DIL?

OP I feel your pain on my this. We have a v similar situation where my in laws have a lovely beachfront second home in a popular tourist spot. We are very lucky and appreciate that we get free use of the house whenever we want it, BUT, the in-laws are often there when we go. I get along well with them, but we have different ways of running our households. We have 2 dc under 4 and it’s lovely seeing them spend so much time with their grandparents but I end up having v little downtime as there’s an unspoken expectation that when we’re there I’ll do dinners for everyone, “keep house” etc (DP tends to bugger off and help his DF with maintenance jobs around the garden/house etc). If we go and we’re there alone however it’s truly the most relaxing place in the world!

I hated hols with my mum because her domestic expectations were set so high it was not relaxing. She removed the soap drawer from the washing machine to wash it and pulled furniture out to clean... So I'd not share a holiday with someone with domestic standards not aligned with mine. You have ended up doing so by accident.

You can't do what you normally do so I'd say step up a bit.

I'd show MiL text message and apologise that she felt she had to go to her daughter to get a message to you. Tell her you'd rather have a better relationship and discuss. You can then also get your viewpoint across.

All the assumptions about everyone involved might be better resolved with the main people talking to each other

@Starseeking
If I was in their shoes, I'd probably feel quite annoyed at one adult guest lazing around while the other did most, but not everything, in terms of contributing to the household while there.

Op is not lazing about. She’s resting after being up all night with a sick toddler!
Try putting yourself in OP’s shoes.
You wouldn’t tell the mother of a newborn who had been up all night to stop lazing about.

At the end of the day you have got a weeks free holiday for years. This year your in laws decided to stay IN THEIR OWN HOUSE along with you. This changes the dynamics. Your Husband cooked a couple of times when Mammy helped him? You get up and cook for the kids and nobody else, don't bother cleaning up the crumbs and take the food that is made for you and you sit on your arse and do nothing? Mortified for you that someone from the family had to text you to get your finger out and to stop letting her Mother who is an old woman run after you and your husband. How you can just sit there and do nothing is beyond me, Can your husband not wash a few towels or clean up the crumbs. You are taking the piss big time. Your in laws probably don't like living like pigs and only doing a big clean once a week.

I tell you what would stop all of this in it's tracks though...next year book and PAY for a week away. That way you can be as slovenly as you like and nobody has to put up with it except yourselves.

There are definitely women, plenty on MN, who become very unpleasant towards any other woman not conforming to domestic expectations. See loaded words like "slovenly" above. Being up all night with a small child is no excuse either, apparently.
Is it internalised misogyny or what?

I think if your MIL would like more help she should ask you politely or speak to her son, not go behind your back and moan to her daughter. Where is your FIL in all this? Does he help out? Sounds like your partner is doing plenty to help. Ridiculous your SIL is having a go at you when she’s not even there. I’d be inclined to show your MIL the message and ask what more she would like you to do.

I would too and I’d have DH with me when I did it.