For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

Their home, their rules but it’s no holiday for you now. There’s no point in confronting MiL. She clearly loves to bitch to her DD, and would find anything to Bitch about.

I would say nothing, cut the trip short right now and go stay somewhere else as a family for the rest of your holidays.

Never go back unless it’s crystal clear your family has sole occupancy.

I don’t quite understand the OP, I get that your usual holiday is minimum cooking, cleaning etc, completely agree and see the benefit of other than day for day tidying doing a big clean on the last day but who is your DH cooking for if your eating out all the time?

If you and your DH are still eating out daily and he is still cooking for parents YANBU...

If your usual holiday has changed and DH and MIL are doing all the cooking for everyone and your aren’t getting up to clear/wash up, wipe floors etc you are being YABVU and can absolutely see why SIL would feel she has to step in!

It sounds like your DC and the rest of you eat at different times, maybe a balance would be (mostly, know not always practical) if you do meals at the same time and then you can potter and tidy/clean round after DC after you’ve all eaten, you won’t be doing any more than what you usual do but you will all be busy at the same time!

I'm petty I would bring it up, ah Sarah text before telling me I need to help more, other than what I'm doing what else can I do that will help?

I’m still confused (and apologies if it’s been covered and I’ve missed it) but how has it happened that you’ve turned up not expecting them and they’re still there? Did you only realise when you arrived? Surely DH would have had a convo with them at some point to check they were ok with you staying? To be honest I probably would have left early once I got that message from SIL. What a way to make you feel crap. I would have been mortified and so upset. Everyone has different levels of cleanliness so your MIL may very well have different standards to you and that’s fine but being on holiday with two kids is very very different to two older adults being on holiday. There is more mess, more chaos, and more tired parents. I’d show your DH the text and if you feel brave enough bring it up with your MIL if you feel you can. I’d also not go back to the holiday house in future and just book your own place where you can genuinely relax!

My PILs pulled something like that once. We were poor students and they said we could borrow their summer cottage for a week. We happily accepted even though it was 6 hours by train so a little expensive to get there, but hey ho: a free vacation. They were just going to stay for one day to spend some time with us. They stayed for five days and as per usual everything was to be done according to their schedule and their way and I was often left out of the loop until the last minute.
One of my PILs: "Why are you wearing that? That is not very suitable for a walk in the forest?"
Me: "But we are going to the beach" (which had been discussed in far, far, far, far, far, far, faaaaaaaar too many details the previous day).
Cue derisive snort. An inquiry into where ON EARTH I got that silly idea from and an order to change clothes.
FYI. There was no forest. I like forests. No, actually: I love forests. But their house was close to an area of relatively newly planted trees. Not a forest. A boring, industrial-looking landscape. And they do not go for a walk. They march. Which is fine when you are in a boring place and just want the experience to be over, but they do the same in beautiful areas, so you don't get to stop and admire the view. "Why are you stopping? Are you already tired? Young people are so weak. You really need to get in shape and besides and etc..."

I had needed a vacation before that vacation. After that vacation, I needed a vacation so badly that I was ready to kill someone for a vacation.

There is no need for SIL to step in! The rest of your post makes no logical sense either!

And of course FIL is doing absolutely nothing of course.

so you and dh doing about the same and fit doing sfa
but you get a text message...

id make sure dh communicates with his parents next year as to when the house is free to use and who is going to be there - then stay when its empty

No one who hasn’t had a child really poorly in hospital followed by basically weeks of “difficult newborn sleep” with a toddler will get how broken you feel.

Ignore the SIL and the bitchy comments on here, make sure your DH talks to his mum and that you overall between you pull your weight but frankly you sound to be doing enough.

OP, is up every hour with a sick child and tidying up and cooking for sick child.

How hard can it be for her husband to do everything else.

OP should ask her MIL what else she would like done.

Up every night with a child?
OP must be dead on her feet.

Not kind of them to impose of the OP's week.

We have given our holiday home to people, we don't stay and impose on them.

The OP needs to spell it out.

I would rather be doingba bit of housework any day than be up all night with a child.

I think the difference here is that this time you are sharing their home and you are guests.
It’s one thing to do exactly as you please when it’s just yourselves, but this is entirely different, it’s their home and you should pitch in. I couldn’t just lie around on the sofa and be waited on, personally I’d be embarrassed. It’s not the holiday you planned but it’s still a free holiday, on this occasion you should do more.

tbh

id have a word with MIL and say that you holiday very differently from them, (the tidying at end and easy oven meals) and this is obviously causing problems.

Explain that SIL has sent you and only you a text telling you to pull your weight, but actually you will at the end as you always do

You have choices

this is their home.

they aren’t there when you usually are. However that is not the case

so the choices are…..either do what’s asked or leave. You ALWAYS have a choice. Either tell MIL about the text or don’t. She’s obviously struggling because SIL has text you so there is that

could you imagine if someone came into your home and treated it in a way that made you uncomfortable to have to get someone else to text? Maybe she felt she couldn’t say something to you?

m I feel you’re being slightly entitled here. My father lives abroad in a tourist destination so people are always at his. I don’t go because I don’t like feeling watched or that I can’t relax.

they can and might take away your opportunity to keep going.

it’s up to you to make the choice too. They can also make choices if you don’t help out or whatever. But right now the balls in your court really.

Text your SIL and say “I think you meant to send this to your brother”.

At the end of the day you’re now a guest in someone’s home…..that person who owns the home wants you to do more….

I would HATE it if someone did that in my home and did a big clean at the end of it…I just can’t relax if my house is a mess

Your doing nothing wrong. Relax you are on holiday, forget the cooking and the cleaning. I would also be blocking the SIL phone number, shes no right to be texting you insults (checky mare). Your in laws are lucky that there getting to see you and there grandchildren and should be glad of the company. Enjoy the rest of your holiday and dont stress.

How does it not make sense?!

If OP and family are having their usual holiday and eating out all the time she is not BU to not want to cook and clear up after meals that she hasn’t made or ate..

If DH and MIL are doing all the cooking and OP is also leaving them to clean, tidy and wash up after she is definitely BU!

Its MIL holiday too.

Look you MIL is probably absolutely loving it that her son is cooking with her - so don’t spoil it for her!

what you can’t do is is leave the cleaning til the last day. But just think on the last day you won’t have to do loads of cleaning 😂

I wouldn’t say anything about the text from SIL - instead I would tell MIL how wonderful her son is to give you a lovely break from the hard time with your dc ect

Also take them out for dinner - it is often cheaper whilst on holiday when taking into consideration having to buy ingredients you don’t have and of course save in washing up!

I would HATE it if someone did that in my home and did a big clean at the end of it…I just can’t relax if my house is a mess

If the PIL feel that strongly though would it not make sense not to have spent the entire time there, but maybe just a day or two?

This is their home and you are very lucky to be on holiday there, I think MIL sounds like she is struggling and you need to help and be grateful. And next year book your own holiday and do it your way.

It sounds to me like you are doing enough. It’s just that MIL has a different way of spending time there.

Beyond taking over for your DH, I’m not sure what more you could do? What else is there to be done? Clean up every crumb FIL drops?

I would ignore SIL and tell her later that you took a holiday from your phone.

I don't think they're lucky at all if the PIL are staying unexpectedly and they're now not having as enjoyable a time.
But as I've said, that's the problem with accepting favours.

This is bullshit sexism at its worst.

So of course you (as a family) should be pulling your weight, even if it's different than normal holidays.

But no, you as an individual don't need to be doing more. This is women enforcing misogyny on women. If your MIL doesn't think it's her husband's job to do chores, that's her prerogative. But she doesn't get to insist that you, as woman, do chores, and have her daughter tell you so.

You sound like you're keeping on top of your kids, cooking and cleaning for them, and up every hour of the night with a seriously ill child. If your MIL wants someone to do more tidying, dishes, etc., she can talk to her son.

In an ideal world, your husband would talk to his mother. But she'll be shocked and more than a little defensive. So I'd talk with her myself, and explain that as you're up all night with the kids, he's taking over the bulk of the day chores, and if she wants more, he'd be happy to help. You can also say that you were surprised and hurt to get that message from your SIL. Normally I wouldn't play the hurt game, but it sounds like the gendered register is the only one in which they operate.

I'd be kind, but wounded. It's passive aggressive, which sucks, but it'll get through.

It doesn’t make any sense because you’ve made stuff up. OP says MIL and DH are cooking. Therefore they’re aren’t going out.

OP is looking after, cleaning up after and getting up hourly with a two year old.

FIL is doing the square root of fuck all - is he being unreasonable as he doesn’t seem to have had a text.

Just book a local Airbnb and have a proper break!

Just read that you have a poorly child and a useless FIL and feel that you are in a horrible situation. Book your own for sure next year