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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not pulling my weight

427 replies

Starlightstarbrights · 14/08/2022 12:15

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

OP posts:
ThePomegranateClause · 14/08/2022 21:27

As other posters stay, next year we will need to plan more carefully. Yes, carefully plan to go somewhere else. I think it's very insensitive of them to be there when you are there, and to moan about it!

vancoke · 14/08/2022 22:44

Honestly I would have just left. Fuck other people imposing their plans on me. It's really rude of your PiL to just insert themselves in to your holiday like this. What a fucking waste of your annual leave.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 14/08/2022 22:51

vancoke · 14/08/2022 22:44

Honestly I would have just left. Fuck other people imposing their plans on me. It's really rude of your PiL to just insert themselves in to your holiday like this. What a fucking waste of your annual leave.

Er, it's PILs second home. It belongs to them. If they chose to be there, they can. They aren't imposing themselves on anyone. OP can chose to pay for a holiday next year and problem solved.

SmileyClare · 14/08/2022 22:58

jacks11 · 14/08/2022 20:31

I think you are being both reasonable and unreasonable.

I understand that you were planning a different holiday, but either through miscommunication or lack of thought on one or both parts, you are where you are and where you are is staying as a guest in their home. With that comes a need for you and DH as a couple to tow the line to a large extent. It doesn’t matter which one if you does the cooking but you need to make sure you are- in terms of cooking and doing dishes/cleaning etc- doing your fair share fully. I understand that you prefer to do one bigger clean at the end, but if that’s not how they do things and so they are cleaning as they go along, with you and DH appearing (in their view) to be leaving it to your MIL it is likely to cause some degree of irritation.

I know you don’t want to spend the week as a guest, but you are a guest in your PIL’s house. So you either acknowledge that and act like it, or you decide to leave and ask to return at a later date. YANBU to be irritated that your holiday is not working out as planned- though it’s not clear how that happened.

I think you probably need to talk to your MIL- she must have said something to your SIL for her to have contacted you (although if she has an agenda, it is possible she may have used a throw away comment or a slight moan that MIL did not intend to go any further or act on as an excuse to stir up trouble). It may be she is merely mildly irritated or it may be more serious in that they feel you and DH are not taking your share of the work. It may even be just an old fashioned attitude to the man doing a lot of the housework - but you won’t know if you don’t broach the issue. I think that if you value a good relationship with your IL, I think it is probably best to say that you’ve been made aware that there may be an issue and try to clear the air. If you don’t, you also may find the offer of the use of their home is withdrawn- I know you said you are happy to pay for a holiday but you also say it’s a special place for your DH. I think raising it with them may well preserve good relations.

I think this is excellent advice.

You're heading home in a few days, don't sour your relationship with your mil by making a stand for feminism, asking her what her problem is, telling siil to fuck off or any of the other dramatic suggestions on here!

This could be fairly easily smoothed over and the air cleared with some adult communication Smile

CactusBlossom · 14/08/2022 23:29

It's their house. Perhaps they expected to be there on their own?

"...DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week."

You could equally well say you are staying there for their entire stay. It really should have been down to DH to sort this out with his parents and make it clear.

"...this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests."

But you are guests; you are in someone else's home. I understand it must be difficult after the year you have had, but it is your IL's property. There needs to be some sort of discussion about this as it sounds awkward for everyone. Clearly ILs aren't going to ask you to leave (even if they expected some time on their own). Clearly you aren't going to leave as you expected this to be a break. Someone needs to speak up to avoid misunderstandings and difficulties later on.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/08/2022 23:36

If your DH is doing the share for you as a couple / family I don’t see the problem. Can he have a word with his sister/ Mum to make it clear that’s what he’s doing, and that it’s deliberate- that he wants you to have a rest?

If you’re up in the night with a very little one - and under two is tiny — Incan well understand that you’re exhausted.

Tigofigo · 14/08/2022 23:44

It sounds like you're doing enough, but MIL obviously thinks it's a woman's place to do the cooking. I never use bleach and would never deep clean a property I stayed at until the end either.

YABU however as you ARE guests in their house, so to act as if you're not is a little weird.

Why not go out for a meal? Give them, and you, some space.

91mana · 15/08/2022 17:05

The only advice I have is to recommend you to tell your MIL and DH how did you picture that week to go, what you can and can't do, that you want to take a rest and so fourth. Be transparent and I am sure they will understand.
Push DH to help more and replace you, he should understand the best :)

Maxibon21 · 15/08/2022 17:22

Could you not just still eat out and do what you usually would and explain that you don't want to bother/make extra for the PIL if they ask? Or invite them out for a meal and if they say no still go anway?

Maxibon21 · 15/08/2022 18:04

*extra work for PIL

LaDamaDeElche · 15/08/2022 18:22

Starlightstarbrights · 14/08/2022 17:51

She is sitting there and allowing MIL to cook for her and then just cooking for her own kids. It's incredibly rude

I cook for DC only because they need 3 meals a day whereas with PIL, we have a light brunch and then one late dinner. Because they’re here with us, our plans have changed. They don’t want to be going out for meals, they want to stay in. So rather than DH and I doing what we want, we are now on their timetable and their plans.

There was no discussion that we would be here together. We have never been here together. They spend a total of maybe two months a year here, and have never been here at the same time. So it’s not like we stop them from using it or take over. It’s empty for most of the year apart from when DH and I use it for one week a year, as well as other family members. For some reason, they just decided to stay when we were here. DH never really discussed it because we never have joint holidays.

We have no issue paying for a holiday at all. This spot and this house is simply very special for DH.

Let them stay in and carry on with your plans and go out for meals.

LaDamaDeElche · 15/08/2022 18:28

Also, your DH should be dealing with his sister, his mother, the text and what has been said between them. If my sister send a message to DP rather than me, I'd be on the phone to her to tell her if she's got something to say, say it to me in the future.

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/08/2022 18:36

I understand your disappointment but I think while they are there you need to pull your weight a bit more. If you usually get on it must have really bothered MIL for her to have text her daughter. I think you have to treat it as their house, their rules.

Ihearticecream · 15/08/2022 18:36

Just go out to dinner and say you will pay for PILs.

Debbacat6 · 15/08/2022 18:38

YABU
And lazy
You are using their house and they are there too..so its only polite to put their standards first
You cant use your husband as payment currency for both of you. You...a grown adult should definitely be doing more
Its not a hotel and they are not your staff.

Gr33ngr33ngr4ss · 15/08/2022 18:39

I think I was your mil last year with our guests. They had a holiday. I didn't. I can't sit in mess - I can't relax knowing it still needs doing. They clearly didn't care either way.
My well deserved 2 weeks in my own holiday pad was really hard work. I should have piped up but I didn't. I regret that. Because now I'm resentful

Zeezee82 · 15/08/2022 19:10

I get on with my in laws, but no amount of “weight pulling” would be quite enough, so I don’t even try

Classicblunder · 15/08/2022 19:12

Gr33ngr33ngr4ss · 15/08/2022 18:39

I think I was your mil last year with our guests. They had a holiday. I didn't. I can't sit in mess - I can't relax knowing it still needs doing. They clearly didn't care either way.
My well deserved 2 weeks in my own holiday pad was really hard work. I should have piped up but I didn't. I regret that. Because now I'm resentful

But to an extent, isn't that your issue?

It's obviously not ok if the place is a total tip but if everyone else is happy with the state of it, it's just your personal preference, it's not reasonable to ruin everyone else's holiday because you're a clean freak

Gr33ngr33ngr4ss · 15/08/2022 19:45

Classicblunder · 15/08/2022 19:12

But to an extent, isn't that your issue?

It's obviously not ok if the place is a total tip but if everyone else is happy with the state of it, it's just your personal preference, it's not reasonable to ruin everyone else's holiday because you're a clean freak

Show quote history

If I was in someone else's house maybe but dishes need washing and rubbish needs taking out. That's not being a clean freak. That's just not being a slob and leaving it someone else! When you're a guest in their home

Squashedraddish · 15/08/2022 19:48

When mil makes the meals, who clears up afterwards? I don’t just mean wiping surfaces, I mean clearing table, washing and putting away dishes etc. i think if mil is cooking you a meal and then having to clear it all away as well then yabu. As pp have said could you take them for a meal out and treat them? After all you’ve had a free holiday in their house

Shinyandnew1 · 15/08/2022 19:55

Squashedraddish · 15/08/2022 19:48

When mil makes the meals, who clears up afterwards? I don’t just mean wiping surfaces, I mean clearing table, washing and putting away dishes etc. i think if mil is cooking you a meal and then having to clear it all away as well then yabu. As pp have said could you take them for a meal out and treat them? After all you’ve had a free holiday in their house

Pp have asked this but no answer has been forthcoming…

Brefugee · 15/08/2022 20:04

If I was in someone else's house maybe but dishes need washing and rubbish needs taking out. That's not being a clean freak. That's just not being a slob and leaving it someone else! When you're a guest in their home

but a) the expectation was that they would, as previously, be there without MIL/FIL and b) there is no indication that OP is sitting with her feet up all day eating bon-bons while filth piles up around her

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 15/08/2022 20:34

I wouldn't feel comfortable not pulling my weight when staying with a friend, let alone family. Yes, husband is helping but as a guest, you should be too.
Not great that they're there at the same time, but as it is their house, choke it up as experience, be helpful and plan for somewhere else next time.
They might have thought you wouldn't mind spending time together, miscommunication with your DH or got their dates mixed up. What ever the reason, don't sour the relationship over it, sounds like MIL is already resenting you. It's their holiday too.

cherish123 · 15/08/2022 21:03

YANBU
It's rude of SIL to text. You don't need to help out if DH is doing his fair share (which he is).

anon666 · 15/08/2022 21:10

Yeah, I've totally changed my mind after it's been said that FIL is doing Jack shit.

I get this with the PILs at times, where I'm seen as needing to pick up the wifework on behalf of dh.

Live and let live - I don't lecture people on their value differentials to mine. But keep your 1950s attitudes to yourselves, don't rope me in.

It's infuriating to have all your boundaries undermined like that. So I would be tempted to brazen it out.

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