For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

I’m not sure what relevance this has to the topic we are discussing.

In fact, I’d say given what you’ve written that MIL can cope just fine with managing her holiday home for a few days with the help of her son while her DIL prioritizes their sick child and her own husband reclines and relaxes.

Her standards of cleaning, daily with bleach, surely exceed what is necessary for keeping the house hygienic. If she’s tired they have the means to order meals in or go out. In fact I’ll be they can afford to hire household help if so inclined.

I doubt MIL feels she has any problems other than a meddlesome daughter.

Surely having a few days vacation in your second home without extra help bleaching the floors daily is a problem we’d all like to enjoy?

I think it’s likely that MIL expects you, as a woman, to do more, and she unlikely has the same expectations of her son or husband. Either ignore and try to relax and enjoy your holiday, or (if it were me) go home.
Hope you manage some rest though 💐

Tbh you sound like the DIL from hell! I have raised 4 dc and I know what it's like to be exhausted when they are ill and not sleeping and I still think you are being selfish and lazy. It wouldn't kill you to be respectful and helpful and you are not the only mother in the world to have suffered from being tired!

Or perhaps a loving daughter concerned about freeloader SIL not pulling her weight? Who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thoughts on the fil doing sod all, and dh not doing any of the broken nights?

Healthy, loving adults do not interfere in adult relationships and holidays via text message.

It simply creates drama and bad feelings and never results in solutions.

And I think you sound…. Oh never mind.

@MichelleScarn op and her dh should be sharing the nights and chores equally! Fil should also be helping with chores however it is his house so whatever the status quo is at home is probably how he behaves in this house as well. The simple fact remains when you are a guest in someone else's property to follow how they expect you to live 🤷‍♀️. Op is being very rude and ungrateful.

Most happy and successful couples divide up the workload in the way that is most efficient for them.

OP is managing the childcare and her DH is handling other tasks. That is what makes sense for them and their child.

As a family, they are doing more than enough in the house. It’s irrelevant who is doing what and your opinion is not relevant.

Why do you NEED the women to always be doing chores? Is that what happens in your house?

op and her dh should be sharing the nights and chores equally!

They are. She does the nights, he does the days. She's got the shitty end so I hope she's napping in the day.

I did the overnights and DH did more of the chores when DD was small. He sure as buggery didn't want to get up every 2 hours for 2 years so he got on with it.

But he's not doing the days. He's doing a couple of meals.

But there's a husband who isn't tired, because he isn't doing the nights, who can therefore help during the day?

Being up multiple times during the night and then having to hover about being ready to jump in and help in someone else's house sounds like hell on earth, not a holiday!

Why is it ok for MIL/FIL to arrange chores between them as they prefer (along sexist line) but not for the OP/her DH to arrange things according to their needs?

OP - I have been there on sleep deprivation and know how it feels, please be kind to yourself and just stop reading this thread if it's not helpful.

She should be taking up the issue with her own brother full stop. She's not close to her brother's wife and it's incredibly rude to text her about this, even more so given the fact that she isn't there. It's sneaky and underhanded and if anyone in my family side-texted DP, I'd be really pissed off. I would expect my family to talk to me first and not send messages to my partner to make them feel uncomfortable.

MIL should have raised her concerns with you or DP rather than moaning to SIL - presumably knowing you and SIL Don’t get on - she seems to be looking for trouble.

If any family member of mine messaged my DH to moan at him, I'd be absolutely furious with them.

You (as a couple) need to contribute to clearing up after meals/ dish washing. That's fair as you are taking part in the meals presumably. How odd to just clear up after your DC and then leave the rest. And then reasonably tidy up after yourself as you go, which it sounds like you are doing.

However anything beyond that I wouldn't bother with either.

The DC are eating at different times, she isn't just doing their stuff and leaving the rest

Right, ok. Still think she needs to contribute to tidying the mess she is making (e.g. after a meal, especially if someone is cooking it for her).

But what about the FIL who does nothing?

But what about the FIL who does nothing?

That's between him and MIL. DH could also say "dad, come and help out" or whatever but he's not a guest. Nobody should have to skivvy after him though.

It sounds like you're doing all the night wakings and your DH is more hands on in the day. In those circumstances - given your child isn't sleeping - YANBU. However, if your MIL thinks you (collectively) aren't doing enough, your husband should do more, as it's their house. The issue is that your ILs probably don't see you dealing with the nights as they're asleep, so don't get it. In your shoes I'd probably go home early.

sounds like you are having a really rough time at the moment.