For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

You are pulling your weight, so f your SIL. Don't reply, don't do anything else, but do make a point of saying how exhausted you are being woken up repeatedly cos of DC and tell MIL to not clean, you do that on the last day. Makes use they know how important those break is for the 3 of you to catch your breath. BTW you don't say any if this, yoyr DH does it.

Personally I'd have expected to know they'd be there....

I feel so so sorry for you.

What a crew.

The sooner you are home the better.

After all you have been through, and the utter fxxking hell of continuous broken sleep, after a hospital stint, I would be so pissed off that you are getting this grief.

You need to tell your husband how upset you are.

Block his sister and shame on your MIL/husband that this is even an issue.

Don't change what you are doing but NEVER stay with in the house with them again.
The point of a holiday is you go at YOUR pace.

Mind yourself.

Oh and FYI, your husband is a disgrace not doing some nights when you are so exhausted.

A real disgrace.

DH spoke to MIL this morning and it’s exactly as some of you guessed, which I didn’t really believe tbh.

MIL feels that DH is on holiday too, and he should be getting some rest and putting his feet up, but he’s not. Instead he did the 10 hour drive all by himself*, and has a very stressful and demanding job^, and rather than relaxing on holiday, he’s on his feet throughout the day. She feels so so bad for DH not getting any rest and gets upset when she sees him up and around. So she mentioned to SIL that I am having a lovely holiday with DC, whilst DH is very busy.

DH said he explained that I am exhausted at the moment and I need a break much more than him, but he’s completely ok as simply being here is a break and his mum needn’t worry about him. So let’s see. We head back tomorrow but I don’t plan to change what I’m doing at all. Anyway, today is our last day and tomorrow morning we will clean everything before we go so I genuinely don’t care if MIL and others here continue to think I’m lazy for my last day. This hasn’t been a holiday at all, but rather a trip visiting relatives, which is not what we planned and that really disappointing.

*Because DC isn’t great in the car so one of us needs to be in the back, and DH finds doing all the driving much less stressful than dealing with DC getting upset, whereas I really struggle with the driving when DC is incredibly upset, so this way works for us. But I always take over when DH feels tired.

^As do I. We have the exact same job and same level of seniority. In fact, things have been harder on me as I was the one barely getting any sleep overnight in hospital, whilst also trying to work in the day as I had a project deadline at the same time.

I apologise for not believing your MIL was such a knob!

That is really mean, sexist and unfair! Ah well, hope she's enjoying having you guys around as this would be the last time if it were me!

Tbh @girlmom21 neither did I. We get on well, although there are various things about her that I have struggled with, but I never took it personally and so always dismissed it as her nature. In terms of my issues with her daughter, I won’t go into it as it’s a very specific situation that’s outing, but I always felt that she never appreciated how hurt I am by it, but I appreciated that her priority will always be her daughter rather than DIL so again, didn’t take it personally. But it seems that her issue is that her children are oh so dear and I truly am an outsider.

I honestly don’t care tbh. As long as DH and I are happy and he has my back when it comes to his family. That’s all that matters. After tomorrow we won’t see MIL for probably another couple of months, by which point I’ll be over it.

I think you should do even less you wind her up but I'm a cunt

With or without the in laws, this holiday sounds like hard work.

A ten hour drive with a child that doesn't travel well, he's then unsettled in a new place and doesn't sleep at night.

It's also been cold and rained most days?

It's self catering and requires a big clean and turn around on the last day.

The in laws "surprise" presence would be the last straw for me! However well you get on with in laws, sharing holiday accommodation results in tension and bad feeling all round.

There's got to be an easier more relaxing holiday you can afford?

She's well and truly shot herself in the foot then I guess if she ever wants another holiday with her grandchild.

This is an issue, which is why DH makes up for it in other areas. It’s not for lack of trying, but because I EBF, DS needed me and we are now in a situation where if DS knows I’m around overnight, he will want me and only me. He gets incredibly upset when DH sees to him which means I can’t sleep anyway, and we can have DS crying and awake for around hour because he wants cuddles with mum. So I just deal with night time because it’s less disruptive for everyone.

We have tried sleep training and hired two different sleep consultants, but nothing works. His night wakings however aren’t usually as bad as it is right now however. But he’s so unsettled after being unwell and losing all sense of a routine, and I’m sure he’s traumatised from being poked and prodded non stop in hospital (he freaks out whenever he sees a face mask now). He’s also unsettled from being in a new place. So things are worse than they usually are.

OP you and your DH sound like a good team, and as you say that's the main thing. An inlaw problem is only really an inlaw problem, beyond the short term, if your husband doesn't have your back and it sounds like he does.
It's just a shame your much needed break has been spoiled.

It’s awesome that you have such a great attitude and a great DH who gets it and is a real partner.

That sounds rough, OP.

My MIL was the same - when our newborn was up several times every night and I was EBF, my DH got up with the toddler every morning. My MIL: oh he must be so tired, poor him.

She went to "help" her other son and his vegan wife after they had their first baby and her helpful contribution was to fill the freezer with meatloaf so that poor BIL didn't have to cope for too long while his wife was inexplicably busy and unable to tend to his needs

We usually have a very lovely break when we come here. It’s a long journey (we used to fly pre DC but now drive because of everything we need) but we always (usually) enjoy it. We can and do holiday in other places, but it’s a special place for DH so he always looks forward to coming, as do I.

I think PIL being here when we weren’t expecting it, and combined with DS having recently been unwell has meant it’s not been great this time.

And the weather is very unpredictable. You can have cold thunderstorms in the morning but hot and sunny weather in the afternoon. On the cold and wet days it’s lovely to put on the fire and watch a film or play with DC, and on the warmer days, you can spend all day at various beaches which won’t have anyone else on them. But we’ve not been able to do what we want this time because PIL are around. We will definitely be having another holiday in September / October to make up for this, but not here!

She feels so so bad for DH not getting any rest and gets upset when she sees him up and around she gets 'upset' watching him do day to day household tasks?! Absolutely ridiculous she felt the need to tell SIL!

Yanbu. You’re doing round the clock childcare including hourly night wakings. To expect you to mop and bleach and do a load of housework to some made up standard in your MIL’s head is horribly unsupportive of them. Your DH is happy to do the other stuf, and the baby simply doesn’t want him at night cos baby is breastfeeding. I get it. (My baby was furious when DH tried to help at night 😬)

Problem is no one sees how hard you work at night cos they’re all snoozing 🙄

Sounds like next break needs to be when they aren’t there. Clearly MIL adores her son and sounds pretty sexist too. Watching her son cook is probably doing her head in.

Suggest MIL sort out FIL / kitchen and you and DH live off takeaways for rest of holiday. You don’t need MIL’s permission to eat out on your holiday either.

What a crew OP.

Protect yourself.

With in laws like yours, distance is a real blessing.

Knowledge is power and it is really helpful realising when those close to you through circumstances, really have such little regard for you.

Last year a friend of mine lost both her elderly parents to Covid in the space of a matter of months.

Not one of her inlaws contacted her last spring '21 to acknowledge both deaths.

She did hear from them in June, no mention of her bereavement, just trying to nail down various visits during the summer months.

She just said very firmly that actually it didn't suit her as she was grieving her parents.

Her husband did mentioned to his family, and they brushed it off that they didn't really know them!

They met up in a hotel for Easter sunday lunch this year, and this summer was mentioned and she said her hosting days are over, that last year was very traumatic and she is focusing on looking after herself.

Lots of very surprised faces and when pushed about it said that of course husband is alwsys very welcome to host.

She told her husband this year that she would happily take a solo trips if he wanted to host them, but that her hosting days are 100% finished.

Unsurprisingly he had zero interest in doing the work involved, so no visitors.

She is now happy she knows where she stands.

Well obviously he should too.

But just because he doesn't doesn't mean OP shouldn't. Ultimately she is in their home and its pretty rude to eat meals cooked for you by others and then not engage in the clearing up.

OP just seen your update about your DH speaking to his MIL. holy moly. Does she live in the dark ages? I’d be absolutely livid. What an outdated and old fashioned way of looking at a partnership. I’d never go back to that holiday home on principle!!

Saw your update, so this is about DH being a man, and you being a woman.

I'd just go home with that I think.

OP,

I mean this kindly but your husband is NOt doing enough.

He is getting uninterrupted sleep and you haven't had that for months.

He should be doing cooking for the baby and clean up.

You will get sick if you are so tired you are crying.

Stop being brave, it doesn't serve you.

You need to take to your bed and nap during the day.

He needs to crack on with all the end of holiday cleaning.

He needs to do more before circumstances dictate he has no choice.

Who the fuck wants to bleach and mop on holiday?!

espcially when you’ve only been there a couple of days, how dirty can the place be?!

if mil wants it so immaculate she shouldn’t expect guest

yanbu op

you sound incredibly harsh

@deepinwales

who Does?