For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

Would you use a week old towel to dry your face with?

You know what, I just did, and I thought of you 😉

Bubbafly are you the SIL?? You seem to be getting really upset about this??

OP you sound like you are doing more than enough for what is supposed to be a rest, if they aren't happy with that I would be inclined to go home and relax there instead or see if you can book a hotel for a few days. What is the point of wasting your precious small annual leave constantly stressing if MIL is still bitching about how much housework you are doing?

I would also be inclined to have DH have a word and explain that you are beyond exhausted from recent ill toddler and it was his intention this week for an opportunity for him and you both to be able to recuperate.

I think if you are letting DMIL cook for you every night you are being a bit rude not to help clean up. If you would normally go out to eat can you not do that a bit to reduce her workload?

This cracked me up 😂

Leave them and go out for the last two days for brunch and dinner.

MIL has different standards that aren’t in keeping with what a holiday is like for yours.

In self catering we also sort the dishes and wipe round everywhere - no mopping until the end of the week. Like you anything major would be brushed up, and a general tidy as we go if sufficient.

Book to go away next year.

Also get your DH to tell his sister to fuck off, and to ask his parents what their problem is? I hate this passive aggression and getting other people to fight their battles.

Not alot of sisterhood on this thread. OP, I think this is just one of those where expectations are misaligned and it will require a somewhat awkward conversation to resolve it. I'd sit them all done in the evening when the kids are in bed. Say you'd had a messagw from your SIL and read it out to them. I would then say how much you love being at their holiday home, how grateful you are for all the years there and that you feel really hurt of the thought of having upset them or that they would think you are not being gracious enough. Explain how much you value them as inlaws and that you feel sad they couldn't speak to you rather than via SIL. Explain that due to the dynamics between you and SIL the fact they went to her about it makes you feel vulnerable. Explain that child sick, yada yada and as you are up woth child n the night its been stressful etc and as a result of this dh is being the domesticated one this time around. Then I'd ask them to tell you how they feel about this week so you can all have a discussion and move on lovingly and positively.

Do not be passive aggressive back. Do not leave early. Do not "insist your dh deal with his sister" (seriously how infantalising). Calmly and rationally take charge of this, as the reasonable adult that you are.

What has DH said about the message?
I think he needs to speak to his DM about it.

I'd also be telling him that unless he can guarantee his DPs won't be there then you won't be staying there for holidays again.

I'm sorry for you OP, it sounds like you really needed a break and now this one would be spoiled for me.

Ha ha fair play, that made me smile on a not so good day xx

If your "DH is helping with the cooking" I think the obvious word here is "helping" ie your m'n'l is taking charge and he is assisting. So she is taking charge for her family plus your family which includes kids. So either get your hubby to step up and take charge of the cooking or tell them you will fork out for takeaway for everyone.
Who is doing the washing up? You have said you are mainly sorting the kids.

Take no shit from SIL or any of the bitchy replies here. Your child has been extremely unwell in hospital and is still poorly and/or disturbed up every hour at night. Most people have no idea how broken you feel, those of us who do, get it.

If you are managing this and literally any other jobs (you are doing quite a bit from what you said in subsequent posts) then you are doing more than your fair share.

FWIW both my mother in law and my own mother would be trying to get me to rest more and actually wanting to look after me. It could all be stirring from your SIL.

its lovely that you have had yearly use of this house for a rest but think you have lost perspective that your inlaws own the house

"annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here".

Its their house they can be there if they want to.

@Bubbafly In all seriousness I'm sorry to hear that and I hope whatever it is gets better for you soon xx

Thank you for that, much appreciated and you know what? I may relax on the towel washing this week and I will think of you xx

Christ on a bike! Her MIL hasn’t cooked every night. The number of people on mumsnet who lack basic reading comprehension skills is astounding.

Also the number of people who don’t RTFT - even just the OP’s posts

The MIL has chosen to make work by kiboshing meals out.

And two meals a day, both very late, when you've been up most of the day...having to feed DC separately...sounds shit!

Sorry but yes YABU. I think if you are with them and it’s their house then you have to live by their rules- if your MIL isn’t happy to live with the mess for a week and then clean at the end then you have to respect that and do your bit. Quite apart from anything else your PIL are clearly not happy with the arrangement and if they think you’re not looking after it they might not let you go again. Also if someone else was serving me the majority of my meals/ tea and cake I wouldn’t begrudge a bit of cleaning of surfaces/crumbs if I knew leaving it wound her up/ she would end up doing it for me. How you ended up going at the same time without realising it also sounds bizarre.

I don't think OP has to be grateful for a situation that she didn't sign up to, that's causing her stress and extra work. If they'd been asked if they wanted to do this trip as guests, she and her DH could have declined, come for a shorter time, booked alternative accommodation etc - they weren't given the choice.

The PIL did sign up to cohabit for a week with a young family!

I also don't understand why no conversations were had - must be a big place with plentiful sheets and towels!

I also don't understand why no conversations were had - must be a big place with plentiful sheets and towels!

I’m not sure you’d need to go crazy for four adults and a child on the sheet and towel front. Unless this is another of those ‘new one every day’ posts which is frankly tiresome at this point.

@Scianel no not really, just saying what comes across to me. In someone else's home you show some respect and help out.

I think you are being both reasonable and unreasonable.

I understand that you were planning a different holiday, but either through miscommunication or lack of thought on one or both parts, you are where you are and where you are is staying as a guest in their home. With that comes a need for you and DH as a couple to tow the line to a large extent. It doesn’t matter which one if you does the cooking but you need to make sure you are- in terms of cooking and doing dishes/cleaning etc- doing your fair share fully. I understand that you prefer to do one bigger clean at the end, but if that’s not how they do things and so they are cleaning as they go along, with you and DH appearing (in their view) to be leaving it to your MIL it is likely to cause some degree of irritation.

I know you don’t want to spend the week as a guest, but you are a guest in your PIL’s house. So you either acknowledge that and act like it, or you decide to leave and ask to return at a later date. YANBU to be irritated that your holiday is not working out as planned- though it’s not clear how that happened.

I think you probably need to talk to your MIL- she must have said something to your SIL for her to have contacted you (although if she has an agenda, it is possible she may have used a throw away comment or a slight moan that MIL did not intend to go any further or act on as an excuse to stir up trouble). It may be she is merely mildly irritated or it may be more serious in that they feel you and DH are not taking your share of the work. It may even be just an old fashioned attitude to the man doing a lot of the housework - but you won’t know if you don’t broach the issue. I think that if you value a good relationship with your IL, I think it is probably best to say that you’ve been made aware that there may be an issue and try to clear the air. If you don’t, you also may find the offer of the use of their home is withdrawn- I know you said you are happy to pay for a holiday but you also say it’s a special place for your DH. I think raising it with them may well preserve good relations.

But they were living in their house, and you, with no discussion that you are aware of, rocked up with your kids and seemed to expect them to suddenly move out. Why should they?
And then, for whatever reason, good or bad, you treated it like your own privately rented holiday house, when obviously what you have actually done is crashed someone else's holiday.
With much lower hygiene standards than they are happy to accept.
Your MIL is entitled to complain to her daughter, and your SIL is not a bitch, as many posters have suggested.

I think if you did not hear it directly, it didn’t happen. ie; your MIL is not unhappy with the situation or she would have said so. SIL probably asked if you were helping out and MIL said no, you were minding the children while your DH did cook and/or help with meals.

MIL is likely doing exactly what she would be doing with respect to cleaning if you were not there. People who clean like that do not stop or change their habits just because they are in their vacation home. It’s too ingrained and they can’t really relax without doing those things. (I know this!)

Also, I doubt they would want you to just go out for meals without them instead. Isn’t that the alternative here?

But they were living in their house, and you, with no discussion that you are aware of, rocked up with your kids and seemed to expect them to suddenly move out

No, they knew we were coming. They knew exactly when we were coming and how long we planned to stay for. We ran the dates by them months ago as we needed to book annual leave, and DH spoke to them weekly, and they knew exactly what day we would be travelling, and even where we planned to stop along the way as it’s a very very long journey for us. They never mentioned “see you when you get here” until the day before we hit the road. DH assumed they would leave to give us space but they never did. Naturally he doesn’t want to have that conversation with them because he doesn’t want it to seem like he’s sending them away. They never spend as long as they have in one stay as they have this time. It’s just one to two weeks here and there. So it’s not a case of this being their home and us kicking them out. This is their holiday home that they visit every few weeks or so.

I have no issue with them being here, as it’s nice for DH and DC to spend time with them. But we have had a very difficult few months so I am disappointed that what should have been some much needed rest time and time together as a family has changed.

As other posters stay, next year we will need to plan more carefully.