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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent always having to travel to friends

110 replies

Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 19:48

I don't drive, so it involves taking a bus and train, usually costing £13 for a round trip. It's around an hour each way, sometimes 50 minutes depending on where.
I've lived with my partner for 1.5 years and no friends have ever seen the flat. Obviously COVID made things difficult prior to that but even in the years before, or when we were at Uni, nobody ever came despite invitations.
I did actually tell them how I was feeling several months ago and suggested a halfway meeting point as a compromise, which one said she was happy to do but this has never come to fruition.
2 of them have babies now so I understand it is complicated, however they have taken the babies abroad/on UK holidays so why not 30 minutes down the road?
I did try to arrange a BBQ at ours last year but then the weather was poor and plans never happened.
I travelled there today to see them, hence paying the £13, and there's talk of meeting again some time next week, but I'm not prepared to pay yet another £13. Is this unreasonable?
Also, I have a friend who frequently comes back to the area to visit her parents and never in several years did she used to suggest us catching up. However now one of our mutual friends has had a baby so she messages saying hey shall we go and see Rachel and her baby tomorrow? Whereas before she'd never have been interested in meeting just alone.
I feel like if I don't travel to them though I'll lose the friendships. AIBU? I am trying to make closer friends here too.
Btw they all drive, and it would be no more than 30 mins, or 10-15 to the halfway point I suggested

OP posts:
cansu · 13/08/2022 19:51

Forget them. There is no reason why they can't drive to you.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 19:55

One of them we've never seen her house either but I've suggested a few times that I'd be happy to come over (obviously don't want to invite myself) or to go for a walk in her area, but the Facebook comment just didn't get a reply.
One year I'd planned a birthday night out (25th) but nobody replied except one saying she was skint. I would empathise but her idea of skint is because they've just bought a 50 grand car. She literally could have come and bought a lime and soda, it was 10 mins from hers. At least she replied I guess

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/08/2022 19:55

I think just be direct…
”can we meet at my house for the meet up next week. I finding it hard and expensive travelling so would love to do one meet up at mine. You’re all welcome for lunch on x day at x time ”?

then really If you’ve been direct a few times and they aren’t listening you need to decide if you want to carry on being the one doing the work to meet up. It might be worth it or it might not.

Sowhatp · 13/08/2022 19:59

Are they the sort of friends where you feel like if you'd stop sending messages/making plans you'd never see or talk to them again?

If not then I would explicitly say to them next time can this be round yours please as it's getting harder to keep being the one always travelling down.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 20:07

They do sometimes message the group chat first about meeting but these days it's mainly for big events like hen dos (on which I've spent hundreds) and I think that does bother me too. I bet when (if) it comes to my hen party it'll be 'oh I'm too skint sorry'

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 20:11

I think I'm going to give it one last try, going to suggest a place near me for next weekend and see if anyone actually comes. Then I'll know

OP posts:
dmask · 13/08/2022 20:12

Well it sounds like you did make a plan and they were happy to come to you, but for reasons it didn’t work out. I think you need to be more direct. I have a friend who complains that we never go to her house, but she’s never properly invited us (I.e picks a date, arranges things etc.), and we all end up just meeting where we usually meet. She always says, ‘let’s meet up soon’, but we end up arranging it, booking the restaurant etc., so we do what is convenient to the majority of us. We would be delighted to receive a proper invite to hers!

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 20:14

That's true, but they could still suggest meeting in a café near mine. They have been told that they're welcome to come and see my flat at any time. But just from their own self-awareness maybe they could think at least once that it might be nice for them to travel for a change?

OP posts:
dmask · 13/08/2022 20:22

But why don’t you suggest it? People just get stuck in a rut and default to the usual areas. I really think you need to speak up, and if they have an issue with it, then yes it would seem they are inflexible, but if you don’t say, how would they know?

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 20:23

You're right, I'm going to suggest it for next weekend as a few of them are off work. And see what the result is..

OP posts:
Shellsbelles · 13/08/2022 20:29

If you are hosting, it will cost a lot more than £13.

Tropicana1 · 13/08/2022 20:30

Do all the rest of them live in one area, and then you 30 mins away? If so I can understand why the default is to meet in the place convenient for the most people. If on occasion you'd like it to be closer to you then you should take the lead to organise the meet up

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 13/08/2022 20:31

Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 20:23

You're right, I'm going to suggest it for next weekend as a few of them are off work. And see what the result is..

Yea go for it.
be specific and direct and be really positive. That’s all you can do and it’ll be reassuring for you to know you have done as much as you can your end.

waltershite22 · 13/08/2022 20:32

Hmm.

How many miles? Would it cost them more for than that in petrol?

Do they all live close by and you live further away?

waltershite22 · 13/08/2022 20:33

Honestly with petrol costing what it does now I don't think £13 is much at all. My parents live a 2hr round trip and it costs me £36 a go.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 20:35

Even if it costs them a little more in petrol, surely it wouldn't kill them to come here just once, I'm not expecting them to do it every week. Don't see why I should always pay £13 and them zero? And I can say with certainty that they are far from hard up

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 20:36

If not, they can get the train too like I do?

OP posts:
NewMoney1000000 · 13/08/2022 20:36

Invite them to yours for lunch/drinks or whatever you usually on the normal day you would meet up.

luxxlisbon · 13/08/2022 20:40

People aren’t going to invite themselves to your house. You once made wishy washy plans for a bbq which you didn’t fully commit to and so it didn’t happen.
If you want them to come to you you need to be like “bbq/brunch/pizza/ drinks at mine on X day at X time” and make actual concrete plans.
If they don’t bother after doing that twice then you know they don’t want to make the effort but right now I think you’re being a bit quick to cut them off.

waltershite22 · 13/08/2022 20:44

Do 10 people live there and only you live far away?

I have a group of friends that I love and see 2-3 times a year. The furthest of us are about 7 hours apart.

We always meet in the middle. It's less convenient for me and 1 other, but better for the majority.

I don't want to ask people to travel 5-6 hrs. I can travel 3 and so can the other far away person.,

CatSpeakForDummies · 13/08/2022 21:50

This sounds like communication on your part, you are implying that telling people they are "welcome anytime," is a sort of mega-invite, when in reality it's a non-invite, just a polite thing people say.

You might think, by letting other people choose dates, times and locations, you are being really flexible and laid back, but you are passing the responsibility. Issue the invites, on your terms, and I'm sure you'll see a real difference. Your friends will be glad to hear from you! Good luck

bighats · 13/08/2022 22:17

Honestly, if they've just had babies this isn't the time to die on this hill, analyse how frequently they text, or suggest they come to you/ meet half way.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/08/2022 22:28

Yes you actually need to invite them to yours. If you originally plan a bbq but the weather is poor then you need a back up plan that still involves everyone coming around. It also seems odd to me that you say no one has come round because of covid but you have been to theirs.

You might be giving them the impression they are not welcome at yours. Give a direct invitation.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 12:38

I did send a msg on the group saying how I felt so they do know..
Anyway I've messaged suggesting something round mine giving a choice of 2 specific dates and no replies yet..

OP posts:
bellac11 · 14/08/2022 12:41

You're not looking at the advantages

Firstly if people come round you've got to clean and tidy,, got to do the hostess bit, got to have food and drink in, got to clean up after they go

You're also not that in control of when they go, if you've had enough of them by a certain time its hard to encourage people to leave

I prefer to visit others, Im more in control

I get the thing about the travel cost, but is a bike an option? Hosting would cost more than your travel anyway to be honest