To resent always having to travel to friends

[Stealmysunshine503]

I don't drive, so it involves taking a bus and train, usually costing £13 for a round trip. It's around an hour each way, sometimes 50 minutes depending on where.
I've lived with my partner for 1.5 years and no friends have ever seen the flat. Obviously COVID made things difficult prior to that but even in the years before, or when we were at Uni, nobody ever came despite invitations.
I did actually tell them how I was feeling several months ago and suggested a halfway meeting point as a compromise, which one said she was happy to do but this has never come to fruition.
2 of them have babies now so I understand it is complicated, however they have taken the babies abroad/on UK holidays so why not 30 minutes down the road?
I did try to arrange a BBQ at ours last year but then the weather was poor and plans never happened.
I travelled there today to see them, hence paying the £13, and there's talk of meeting again some time next week, but I'm not prepared to pay yet another £13. Is this unreasonable?
Also, I have a friend who frequently comes back to the area to visit her parents and never in several years did she used to suggest us catching up. However now one of our mutual friends has had a baby so she messages saying hey shall we go and see Rachel and her baby tomorrow? Whereas before she'd never have been interested in meeting just alone.
I feel like if I don't travel to them though I'll lose the friendships. AIBU? I am trying to make closer friends here too.
Btw they all drive, and it would be no more than 30 mins, or 10-15 to the halfway point I suggested

That's true but I don't mind doing it once every so often. They don't even need to come to mine, we could literally go to a café near mine. People saying petrol is expensive, yet it's ok for me to pay every time? And I've suggested halfway points?
Anyway I've still got zero replies despite suggesting specific dates at mine next week so I guess I know where I stand

Are you the only one who lives far away? Logistically I can see why they would pick an area where the majority of them live, it makes sense, although it's a bit unfair to do that all the time so only you're ever paying.

Had a thought though - is it the area? I have a friend who gets annoyed at the same thing, but even he has to admit he lives in a not very nice place and there isn't anywhere to go out around there anyway. So no one is going to public transport it to him unless he's putting them up and they're having a house party (which he does do, he's got a big house so he can accommodate a few people who may struggle getting home late at night).

Please don't waste anymore time on them. I could've written your post 15 years ago. Slacked off the lot of them. Only one of them got in touch a few years later, but the same pattern emerged again. They were only interested in me if I was the one doing the running around fitting into their schedules.

They're not worth it.

People on here making all sorts of excuses, but I honestly couldn't feel ok with someone travelling every time to see me in my home or at a café 5 minutes away. I'd never expect it to be more convenient for me every single time, I don't understand why people do this.
The thing is I already spoke to them about it on the group chat, in a nice way. And surely they'd get the hint by me inviting them here?

You’re right to be annoyed . So much easier for the drivers to drive rather than taking public transport.

I think people are just trying to figure out why they're not going there. It's not usually as simple as they just don't feel like it, because they clearly never feel like it, and there must be a reason for that. It could be that they're just entirely selfish, or it could be one or a combination of any number of other reasons mentioned in the thread.

At face value it seems unfair to me, but I don't think I could state that as a fact because I still can't figure out why they're not going there. You must have some idea of why they don't, have you ever broached it directly with them?

I think they genuinely just can't be arsed.
They are well aware, I have literally said to them that I'd prefer it if we sometimes met halfway or they met closer to mine. So I'm asking them to drive 10-15 minutes max.
And one of them did say "Oh yes sorry next time we'll meet at X place instead."
Months and months have passed and that's not happened.
And I'm hardly asking this every week, I'd be grateful for every couple of months!
I've still got zero replies from inviting them to mine for a meal so this will be the last straw I think, just mute the group and move on

I would be annoyed with this too, seems like you are the one making all the effort. I have a friend likes this, I always have to go to hers, it would always need to be around babies nap times. Now that I have a baby it was still the same wanting us to travel, which takes 25 mins. She drives. I’ve not seen her since April, I refuse to work to her timetable.

For the person who mentioned the area, I live 5 mins walk from a city centre with plenty to do

The main issue for you seems to be the cost as you keep mentioning it. If you can’t afford the travel can you not be upfront and say that? Otherwise you will end up continuing to be resentful and they are probably totally oblivious to the fact that this is causing you so much angst.

I have already told them that I have to keep paying for train tickets. They know about the time and cost, they just don't care. I feel hurt and that I'm not valued, I hope I'll make new friends. Still zero replies from anybody on the group chat about it, how ridiculous. Not even the decency to say no I can't sorry!

OP did you use to live in the area where your friends live? It could be that they think of you as a local friend rather than a worth travelling to friend.

Yes we're all from the same area, but literally travelling to meet me halfway would take 15 mins at most and they can't even be arsed to do that

I think a lot of friendships slide when one person moves. I know I found out who my proper friends and who were just pals because I was close by.
One friend in particular, who was happy for me to do the three hour bus journey to hers but just ignored messages inviting her to mine. Slowly, as I made local friends and made more effort with friends who took it in turns with me to make the journey I just stopped bothering with her so much, she is very much a text twice a year friend now, it’s a shame but making all that effort to just sit in her house as she never wanted to go out was such a chore.

It's rubbish isn't it. I live in a well-known big city, 15 bloody minutes drive for them, 20 for some of the others at most!
I used to have another friend who knew a lot of people abroad, and she'd travel frequently to see them.
She never came to me because apparently she 'hated' the city I was in, which was a touristy European city. Saying that, she only once came to me in the UK when she really needed somewhere, otherwise I was expected to travel to her every time. Why are so many people so selfish?

Telling people they're welcome any time isn't a proper invitation

Do they all live near each other and you're the outlier?

It's not their problem that you don't drive

Do they dislike your partner, and that's why they're reluctant to visit?

I think it would be reasonable for them to visit you sometimes. I suggest you invite them over for dinner on X date so they can see your new home. And see how they respond

I've literally just posted saying I've invited them on specific dates..
It's nothing to do with driving or not, if I drove I'd still have to travel to them

Also I still think that many people would engage their brain and think it might be nice for them to travel just for once?

The problem is you moved, and this is what happens when people move. If going back to see them is making you upset, or putting you in debt, don't go, make some new friends in the area you live now

They've moved too, just a little out of that place. The city is a very large city where most people go for big events etc. So it's really not out of their realm to ever go.
I also don't agree that it's automatically what happens when people move, real friends would want to visit you and be curious surely?

Do your friends live with their partners/husbands/wives? I asking because sometimes when people move in with their partners they can become a bit smug.

They do, but I live with my partner too. But this has happened for such a long time anyway, when I was at Uni it was always me going to visit 2 of them at uni, they never, ever came to me. Even though my uni was near our hometown and one of their sisters was living in halls 5 minutes down the road from me!

I'm gonna sound petty but it's been 13 hours and not one person out of 8 has replied.

13hrs!! Sorry that is a bit petty. I would give it a few days at least, not everyone sits by their phones/checks diaries/etc in that short space of time. Don’t be too quick to dismiss them, not everyone works to the same schedule.

Do you have any local friends you could have over?