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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent always having to travel to friends

110 replies

Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 19:48

I don't drive, so it involves taking a bus and train, usually costing £13 for a round trip. It's around an hour each way, sometimes 50 minutes depending on where.
I've lived with my partner for 1.5 years and no friends have ever seen the flat. Obviously COVID made things difficult prior to that but even in the years before, or when we were at Uni, nobody ever came despite invitations.
I did actually tell them how I was feeling several months ago and suggested a halfway meeting point as a compromise, which one said she was happy to do but this has never come to fruition.
2 of them have babies now so I understand it is complicated, however they have taken the babies abroad/on UK holidays so why not 30 minutes down the road?
I did try to arrange a BBQ at ours last year but then the weather was poor and plans never happened.
I travelled there today to see them, hence paying the £13, and there's talk of meeting again some time next week, but I'm not prepared to pay yet another £13. Is this unreasonable?
Also, I have a friend who frequently comes back to the area to visit her parents and never in several years did she used to suggest us catching up. However now one of our mutual friends has had a baby so she messages saying hey shall we go and see Rachel and her baby tomorrow? Whereas before she'd never have been interested in meeting just alone.
I feel like if I don't travel to them though I'll lose the friendships. AIBU? I am trying to make closer friends here too.
Btw they all drive, and it would be no more than 30 mins, or 10-15 to the halfway point I suggested

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:00

Maybe it is, but all 8 of them? It would literally take seconds to reply, even to say I'll check and let you know what I'm doing. In this case I need to know so I can book the restaurant.
Conversely on Thursday one of them texted to say she'd met a new guy and 3 of them replied within 20 seconds about it. Not too busy for that then ..

OP posts:
HotToddyColdSauvignon · 14/08/2022 19:03

Have they read the message op? You know on WhatsApp you can click and hold your message and click info to see who has read it and what time

dmask · 14/08/2022 19:07

I think that’s a bit unfair, sometimes I’m busy and if it’s an invitation I can read it and will reply in a day or two once I’ve checked, can arrange child care etc. If it’s someone with a bit of exciting news and all I have to do is say congratulations, then I’ll reply quickly. Sometimes I can read things when they pop up and forget about them. Please give them a bit of understanding.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:09

Yeah, I can see that 7 out of 8 have read it. However they may have also read it on the front of their phone.
Well I'll try and give it till tomorrow, but after that no way.
It reminds me of one of their hen dos when I got my name with a question mark because I hadn't replied in 3 hours, obviously everyone else had replied right away. But I'm sure there'll be an excuse for that too

OP posts:
Simplelobsterhat · 14/08/2022 19:25

Are they hosting you at their houses when you go to them? If so i don't know why you think you are making all the effort as I'd find hosting a group of friends much more effort than travelling an hour each way, and would almost certainly spend more than 13 on food or drink. I get that some people love hosting and are relaxed about it, but if they are anything like me, it probably hasn't occured to them how you feel (I know you said you've mentioned it but perhaps they didn't fully understand the reasons. ) . I certainly wouldn't ever invite myself to someone's house, even if they had said vague things about coming round sometime, I'd wait to be invited more specifically so i wasnt putting them out at an inconvenient time.

Am i right in understanding you've now invited them to a restaurant near you? Maybe paying for a meal out and petrol is a bit much and you'd have got a better response if you'd invited them to yours? Or reminded them of the plan to meet halfway?

It's hard to say from your op if they are being unreasonable or just a bit thoughtless. It doesn't sound worth chucking friendships away over, bit maybe just don't go as often?

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:29

I've been round to theirs just for a drink, they don't really have anyone for dinner etc. But we usually meet in a café.
It may be that, but funnily they're ok with me paying train fare plus food and drink out.
They're all quite well-off so I may be wrong but I don't think paying for one trip is an issue for them, or they could come and just suggest a starter, a drink etc.

OP posts:
Simplelobsterhat · 14/08/2022 19:30

Actually if you saw them today, inviting them for next week maybe a bit soon / much, particularly those with babies- are the babies invited too? They'll be trying to work out childcare if not, or if it's a good time to take the baby out to a restaurant without too much crying if so, so that could explain the delay in replying.

NewMoney1000000 · 14/08/2022 19:31

Do you enjoy seeing them, if you do them be thankful you have 8 friends?

Simplelobsterhat · 14/08/2022 19:31

Fair enough, perhaps you are making more effort of they are not really hosting you!

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:32

They've got plans to meet each other this week in their area already so I don't know if it's that, but maybe.
They've taken their babies out before to many cafes and so on. Again I would understand and if it's the case I'll expect a reply tomorrow or so. It's really not hard for people to just say, it's just really frustrating to ignore it

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:32

But are they real friends if they've never once made the effort to come and see me?

OP posts:
NewMoney1000000 · 14/08/2022 19:33

They’re probably having family time.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:33

I'm probably overthinking as I do a lot but I'm just disappointed. It's just clear they have zero intention of ever coming to see me and I'll forever be expected to travel to them. I think I deserve better

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:34

Soo many excuses..
They're able to meet each other again this week in their area so..
I'm sick of all the excuses now

OP posts:
Wanderingowl · 14/08/2022 19:45

Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 14:20

People on here making all sorts of excuses, but I honestly couldn't feel ok with someone travelling every time to see me in my home or at a café 5 minutes away. I'd never expect it to be more convenient for me every single time, I don't understand why people do this.
The thing is I already spoke to them about it on the group chat, in a nice way. And surely they'd get the hint by me inviting them here?

Oh come on. You are clearly ignoring the repeated question asking if you live far from them and they all live close together. If so, that's not an excuse, it's reality. Everyone else lives near each other, of course they will arrange meet ups to suit the majority. Especially when you haven't actually invited them to yours.

puddingandsun · 14/08/2022 19:45

Hey, I get it.
I had a small group of friend, I was always the one travelling further to meet them - to a venue or their homes. I was single for longer, childless for longer... I had to be the flexible one.

Fast forward a few years, I moved a little bit further out, got married and a baby, and the friendships are gone. A few texts here and there, the occasional birthday call.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:46

I haven't. I said that i live a max of 30 mins drive for most, about 15 mins for one, and that the halfway point would be about a 15 min drive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:46

I think people maybe haven't always read the full thread so missing things that I said

OP posts:
FredaFox · 14/08/2022 19:51

Are you the only one that moved away? Are they all in a similar area?

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:52

No, but we're all within a fairly close radius

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 19:53

Some moved about 2 hours away but I've still been to them a few times over the years yet they've never been to me

OP posts:
NewMoney1000000 · 14/08/2022 20:00

Did you have a house warming/birthday party, NYE party etc?

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 20:03

No, i

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 20:05

Oops, I always try to plan stuff for NYE but nobody has seemed up for doing anything for about the last 7 years now.
Well one year one of them told me she wasn't going out when I asked, then a few hours later there were pics of her out with a friend, I asked her and she said "Oh it was just a last minute plan"
I don't bother for birthdays with them because they never even replied about my 25th

OP posts:
Caroffee · 14/08/2022 20:10

To some extent this describes me. Having said that, I prefer not to host. Also, I don't have kids so I accept that I usually have to travel to those who do. I think at base what you are describing is that you are more bothered about these friendships than the friends are. Again, that could describe many of my friendships. I do let friendships go when I get sick and tired of these issues though. Only you know if you have reached this stage.