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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent always having to travel to friends

110 replies

Stealmysunshine503 · 13/08/2022 19:48

I don't drive, so it involves taking a bus and train, usually costing £13 for a round trip. It's around an hour each way, sometimes 50 minutes depending on where.
I've lived with my partner for 1.5 years and no friends have ever seen the flat. Obviously COVID made things difficult prior to that but even in the years before, or when we were at Uni, nobody ever came despite invitations.
I did actually tell them how I was feeling several months ago and suggested a halfway meeting point as a compromise, which one said she was happy to do but this has never come to fruition.
2 of them have babies now so I understand it is complicated, however they have taken the babies abroad/on UK holidays so why not 30 minutes down the road?
I did try to arrange a BBQ at ours last year but then the weather was poor and plans never happened.
I travelled there today to see them, hence paying the £13, and there's talk of meeting again some time next week, but I'm not prepared to pay yet another £13. Is this unreasonable?
Also, I have a friend who frequently comes back to the area to visit her parents and never in several years did she used to suggest us catching up. However now one of our mutual friends has had a baby so she messages saying hey shall we go and see Rachel and her baby tomorrow? Whereas before she'd never have been interested in meeting just alone.
I feel like if I don't travel to them though I'll lose the friendships. AIBU? I am trying to make closer friends here too.
Btw they all drive, and it would be no more than 30 mins, or 10-15 to the halfway point I suggested

OP posts:
Nekomata · 14/08/2022 20:12

I think you are right that they can't be arsed traveling to your place.

People can be so lazy.

NerrSnerr · 14/08/2022 20:20

If you explicitly invite them to you every so often it's fair they should come. Is it a pain in the arse to drive to the city? If you're close to the city centre and it's a big city (Birmingham, Manchester, Leeds?) then traffic and parking is probably a nightmare.

mrsm43s · 14/08/2022 20:56

Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 18:53

I'm gonna sound petty but it's been 13 hours and not one person out of 8 has replied.

Firstly, you're being very impatient.

Secondly, in a group of 9, I'd expect the meetups to normally happen in the place that was the most convenient for the majority. This would be especially true if the one person who lived far away had chosen to move away.

It's a ridiculous expectation for 8 people to regularly travel in order to save 1 person a journey.

The only exception to this would be if the outlier arranged and hosted an event. Unreasonable to expect one of the others to arrange something for your conveneience.

The fact that you don't drive is not relevant. Neither is the fact they they have expensive cars etc.

If you don't think its worth your effort to travel an hour to meet your friends, don't do it, and instead hang out with more local friends.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 20:58

I understand but I've never said they should be coming here regularly. The point is that they've never been here. Ever.
Even when I was at uni, they never came.
They came up here once when one of the others was pregnant, it wasn't anything to do with me.
No, I don't think it's fair that I should pay fees every single time to see them.
And I never did say they all live in the same place. I said they all live within a certain radius

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 20:59

They can reply within minutes to most other things having looked through the thread.. it's just excuses galore for shitty behaviour!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 21:00

I'm also talking about individuals. When I meet them as individuals, it's always at their convenience. We don't usually all meet together

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 14/08/2022 21:02

If they're good friends then why not message a couple of them and see what the issue is.

How big is the radius that they all live in? How is the traffic/ parking etc? How does it compare?

Apart from the BBQ that didn't happen how often to you invite them to yours?

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 21:07

They could get the train in like I do to see them. They don't have to drive really.

OP posts:
Purplepurse · 14/08/2022 22:05

I think you need to get a new set of friends. From everything you've said there doesnt seem to be any reason why they shouldn' come to you or for them to meet you halfway. Also I would have thought people would be replying by now at least to say they would check what they had on. I know its horrible but do you think there is a chance they are trying to freeze you out. If this is the case move on . Its really nasty when this happens with people you thought were your friends. I'm sorry.

NerrSnerr · 14/08/2022 22:13

Why don't you message the ones your closest with and see what the problem is?

FitFat · 14/08/2022 22:22

They dont value you OP. Move on. You're getting irate for no helpful reason. You will find new friends soon, but leave these ones behind regardless.

Jellytottss · 14/08/2022 22:24

waltershite22 · 13/08/2022 20:33

Honestly with petrol costing what it does now I don't think £13 is much at all. My parents live a 2hr round trip and it costs me £36 a go.

This is irrelevant. If it takes 50mins for OP it obviously is less time in a car. £13 in travel for OP is a lot not that's its about the money.

Agree with be direct. Just say do you want to come to mine since you haven't popped round Yet?

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 22:25

You're right, they don't.
I guess I'm getting frustrated at people making all manner of excuses for them, like petrol is expensive yet it's ok for me to pay each time instead.
But I already feel a bit better.
I've muted the group and I'm going to move on. Making friends as an adult always feels a bit daunting, but I'll try to stay positive

OP posts:
dessertsun · 14/08/2022 22:26

Honestly OP, it doesn't really matter what is really happening, ie the individual reasons behind this dynamic, rather you should concentrate on why you are feeling this sense of being let down by your friends. It sounds like you believe they consider you less important and are manifesting this by not putting the effort in.
I would invest in new friendships, closer to home, and cut back on meet ups with this bunch, so as to avoid feeling resentful. If they notice and query, you can explain how you were feeling.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 22:28

I feel like making new friends as an adult can be tough. People are a little set in their ways, can't be bothered with it, rely on their partners and so on. However I've got to keep trying. Having no friends is still better than having fairweather ones anyway

OP posts:
Str8talker · 14/08/2022 22:40

YANBU in asking for them to visit you.
Hasn't this messaging 8 of them told you that they're not your real friends? What else do they need to do/not do for you to see the light?

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 22:42

They're not, I'm seeing that now. I'm sure they don't hate me but they just don't value me. Well I think one of them may like me a bit more than the others but that's it. Anyway I'm just in the process of signing up for a new running club so hopefully this could be a good start for new things!

OP posts:
Str8talker · 14/08/2022 22:52

Well done 503! Best wishes for the future.💐

PinkyFlamingo · 14/08/2022 22:54

So many excuses some people are giving! OP I'm sorry but they don't sound like real friends at all.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 22:56

They might be giving them to soften the blow for me? I don't know, but in any case they are excuses. I still don't believe not one of them out of 8 has not been on their phone to reply since 6am this morning, it's laughable

OP posts:
CactusBlossom · 14/08/2022 22:59

It's not "free" for them because there will be petrol/diesel costs and possibly parking, but it's obviously much more convenient and easier for them. Why not have a Zoom meeting from time to time?

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 23:01

We did do some during lockdown tbh, but right now I've no desire to message them again. I feel pretty humiliated right now about the whole group ignoring me

OP posts:
oopsfellover · 14/08/2022 23:09

It sounds as if you’re pissed off with your friends more generally. Are you thinking that the friendships may not be worth it? I’ve been in the position of the ‘one who visits’ with quite a few friendships and for various reasons - sometimes it’s irked me a bit but not to the extent where I’d be calling them fairweather or wondering if they hated me. Guess you’ll weigh things up. Getting new friends isn’t easy, so think about what’s worth salvaging.
Re WhatsApp, I think people in groups sometimes wait to see how others will respond first, a pain but something I’ve noticed. Individual messages to some of them may help.

Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 23:19

I'd expect 13 year olds to see how others respond first, but surely women in their 30s can think for themselves?
And it's surely a case of why is it ok for one party to do all the travelling? The other(s) just want it at their convenience every time. Not really a good basis for a friendship

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealmysunshine503 · 14/08/2022 23:20

But it's just been happening for so long I don't know why I kept accepting it. Probably out of fear of losing friends

OP posts:
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