Trusting my partner with safety

[Cat78Cat]

I am on holiday with my partner and our 2 children age 2 and 5 and we’ve just had a huge row. He thinks I am overly cautious with our children's safety and I have told him that I can’t relax and leave them in his care. Three examples in the last couple of days are

1. he needed to go to the loo, so he left both our children in the swimming pool for 30 secs. The 2 year old had a swim float on, the 5 year old didn’t have anything but is learning to swim (she can’t yet)

2. we took a public ferry to an island and I was sitting down with one daughter while he was with the 2 year old on another part of the boat. Again.. he went to the loo (he doesn’t have a problem, just to clarify). He apparently told our 2 year old to go back and find mummy, and then he went to the loo and left her. Our daughter is perfectly bright… but disobedient and of course she didn’t. I found her running around another section of the ship

3. he took them swimming and when he was finishing getting them dressed they ran out of the changing room. Instead of chasing them, he finished getting ready and generally faffing. Our children when out of the swimming pool together, past the reception area, where the staff let them exit the whole area. They then found their way back to our hotel room where they knocked on the door and I was there.10 minutes later my husband showed up, wondering what had happened to them

I have just told him it is impossible for me to relax on this holiday as I can’t trust him to look after the children if I am not there. He thinks I’m neurotic

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, but interested in the views of others and if possible some tips for how to communicate better so I don’t lose my temper in front of the children

I am pretty relaxed with kids but that's absolutely crazy. It only takes a few minutes for a child to drown in a pool. To be quite honest l cannot sit near a pool if children are not being supervised as l feel l need to keep an eye on them. My dh had to rescue a child once while his parents were sunbathing. He is completely out of order and no wonder you cannot trust him. Its the pool that's the biggest danger but also local roads/ weird people and children just getting frightened if feel lost.

No you are not neurotic at all. I'm pretty laid back but wouldn't have been happy in any of those scenarios, especially the swimming ones

That is dangerous. Not just irresponsible.

He left a two year old alone in a swimming pool? Is he normally that fucking stupid?

Losing your temper with someone putting your children's lives at risk seems a very reasonable reaction.

I'm quite laid back and allow my children freedom and independence but that has just made me really nervous. No wonder you don't trust him, he is putting them in danger because he can't think beyond his immediate needs. He is an adult who is capable of waiting to use the toilet until he has taken the children to you or rounded them up to take with him. Added to the fact you are on holiday so this isn't even familiar territory or people, he may trust your children to stay put/go where he says but does he trust every person they will encounter? It takes seconds for a stranger to take an unsupervised child.

I would class his lack of care as neglect tbh. Don't throw words like that around lightly but they were in serious danger in all 3 of those examples.

Not unreasonable at all. He’s behaving appallingly. Can he really not see anything wrong in those scenarios?

That's properly dangerous. And going to the loo is going to take considerably longer than 30 seconds.

My ex was like this and it was a manifestation of abuse of us, basically. He liked the control and me getting distressed.
It's definitely neglect of them.
You're not neurotic.
It is basic safety advice to watch young children in and near water.

Christ on a bike, that's awful. Your kids could have drowned, been abducted, run over...

He is neglectful. And stupid. Sorry, not sure how you make him see this if he can't...

If he carries on like that, you run the risk of becoming headline news.

Your husband is an absolute fucking idiot. I'm gobsmacked.

I'd be furious if my dh did any of those three. He would be furious if it was the other way round too.

neglecting his kids to the point where their lives are at risk. What an absolute failure of a man your boyfriend is. Are you not repulsed?

Every example is top level dangerous. Not just a bit dangerous. Like absolutely insanely stupid and dangerous and no sane adult human would think that acceptable. Leave a 2 year old and a 5 year old who can't swim in a pool alone? How fucking thick is he?!

Sounds like he’s desperate to not get 50/50 contact when you inevitably dump him. Really hammering home the point he doesn’t give a shit about the kids he made.

YANBU all of those examples of very serious lapses in supervision. You NEVER leave a child of 2 or 5 unsupervised in the water EVER. I can’t imagine it’s possible to leave go for and wee and get back in only 30 seconds either.

also the boat thing……unbelievable how risky that is.

my husband was lax about our piil
last year and we had a big set to about it that sorted it. I said something like “oh you think a 2 and 5 year old are ok to be left for 2 minutes alone in the pool. I don’t. I wonder what other people think. Shall we ask school what they think? Or your mum??” Then I explained how with water safety things can go wrong very seriously very quickly?

honestly though. I couldn’t relax if I were you and I would not leave them in his care if he’s like that.

Jesus op yanbu! My 4 year old was out of my sight for literally 5 seconds in town the other day and I was terrified! I gave him such a telling off for disappearing and told him how serious it was - this is how normal people react, not like your DP. Absolutely awful and I'd hit the roof in your shoes. They aren't safe with him.

In our area there was a man who attempted to take a child outside a primary school (and we live in a nice little seaside town). Luckily the man was unsuccessful but it just goes to show how things can go horribly wrong in seconds.

I am not a worrier but all of these examples are insane

Kids can drown / suffer severe brain damage next to no time. And letting a 2 year old wander round a resort is crazy.

What's the matter with him? Has he just got no imagination and is lazy - or Is it a control thing, does he like you being scared?

He needs to pack it in either way.

He's a twat

Gosh, every example that you gave is shocking.

What will you do?

Obviously the neglect of the children's basic safety is the main issue.

But also how infuriating for you that you have to be the “adult” all the time now. Don’t trust him with them again.

I’d have a good mind to change the flights and go home, that’s how enraged I would be at this.

Those scenarios gave me the shivers with how easily they could have gone wrong. Kids should never ever ever be left unsupervised with water

He’s fucking irresponsible to the point where he should never be allowed near children again.