Trusting my partner with safety

[Cat78Cat]

I am on holiday with my partner and our 2 children age 2 and 5 and we’ve just had a huge row. He thinks I am overly cautious with our children's safety and I have told him that I can’t relax and leave them in his care. Three examples in the last couple of days are

1. he needed to go to the loo, so he left both our children in the swimming pool for 30 secs. The 2 year old had a swim float on, the 5 year old didn’t have anything but is learning to swim (she can’t yet)

2. we took a public ferry to an island and I was sitting down with one daughter while he was with the 2 year old on another part of the boat. Again.. he went to the loo (he doesn’t have a problem, just to clarify). He apparently told our 2 year old to go back and find mummy, and then he went to the loo and left her. Our daughter is perfectly bright… but disobedient and of course she didn’t. I found her running around another section of the ship

3. he took them swimming and when he was finishing getting them dressed they ran out of the changing room. Instead of chasing them, he finished getting ready and generally faffing. Our children when out of the swimming pool together, past the reception area, where the staff let them exit the whole area. They then found their way back to our hotel room where they knocked on the door and I was there.10 minutes later my husband showed up, wondering what had happened to them

I have just told him it is impossible for me to relax on this holiday as I can’t trust him to look after the children if I am not there. He thinks I’m neurotic

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, but interested in the views of others and if possible some tips for how to communicate better so I don’t lose my temper in front of the children

I was only slightly older than your eldest child when my dad took me swimming in a private pool. I was ready to go in and impatient so I ran out of the changing room .

He must have carried on getting changed and came to the pool in his own time.

I had jumped in, my inflatable ring had shot off as I'd slid through it and I was barely able to bounce up to get breath. I nearly didn't make it.

He came out of the changing room and jumped in to lift me up.

I don't think some men understand as women take on this responsibility often.

I opened this thread expecting it to be another over-protective mum but these 3 examples are absolutely terrifying. Does he really not get it? Is he expecting much older child levels of behaviour from toddlers? Just awful.

You're not overreacting he's putting them in danger. Leaving two young kids totally unsupervised on holiday in an unfamiliar place? I moan at DP if he leaves our 2 year old in the bath for 2 seconds to grab a towel

Not unreasonable at all. I am pretty relaxed generally but these examples are OTT.

Sometimes I open these threads and think it's all just a fuss over nothing but this is absolutely nuts. This isn't just different levels of risk, but is verging on neglect. His children could have come to serious harm or died in any one of those instances.

Is he stupid or just doesn't give a shit?

YANBU. That's three occasions he's left children who can't swim unattended in public places around water. And one of them only 2. I think you're actually quite lucky nothing has happened so far and that you've managed to find them quite quickly. It only takes a couple of minutes for a child to drown.

I consider myself a fairly relaxed parent but I am hurried by all of those. Bloody hell. He hasn't got a clue, has he?

He’s a vile, irresponsible man child. Mine was too and as much as I loathed him, I was unable to leave until the kids were much older. You have my utmost sympathy.

Please don’t take chances with your children. I know of an unsupervised 10 year old who had an accident and died last weekend. If he had been supervised the accident may still have happened but he would have had a much better chance of survival.

I should have put don’t let your DH take chances as obviously From what you’ve said it’s no you that’s taking the risks - apologies

Good God, every incidence is terrible. Left a 2yr old alone on a ship to find mum? the swimming ones are horrifying.
He's an utter selfish cunt.

I am really laid back as a parent and these examples horrify me!

I feel sick reading that. You aren't even allowed to leave them in the pool until they're at least 8.

He's being ridiculous. I don't know what to do. I had similar with my husband, he was taking our 6 year old in the deep end so I asked the lifeguard about the policy and had her tell him they were not allowed in the deep end.

So you could try getting staff to tell him (can't believe a grown person needs to be told this) that leaving a child unattended is dangerous and against policy.

I mean, does he know people kidnap children? Does he know children have gone overboard on cruises? Can you show him articles?

It's hellish because even if you break up it will be worse as then he will have them unsupervised for even longer periods. A family court won't given an arse about any of this.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Jesus. I'm also laid back but every single incident you've mentioned could have ended in death. I don't understand how anyone could think it's ok.

I'd be furious. Are you able to speak calmly to him about it and talk about it like adults?

He takes the kids with him to the disabled/Family toilet, ties a knot in it or pees in the pool, those are the only options when on his own with them, just as it is for every other sane parent. I would be tempted to tell his mother what he's done and how he reacted when confronted.

Was fully expecting to come on here and say YABU as most of these posts end up being a neurotic mother. But Christ no. What is wrong with him

Was he this lax with your first, or has it got worse with 2?

My husband can be pretty blasé with safety although has got a LOT better over the years. Even he would not have done something so fucking stupid. You are not overreacting.

I’d be furious! All your examples are terrifying but the ferry one gave me shivers. Does he not realise they are tiny children, especially the 2 year old one? If she went overboard the ferry you would never find her again. I’m speechless as to how his brain functions!

Okay, so when you split up do you think he will want to have them alone?
If he will disappear into the sunset and never see them again, or if he will never have them without his mum being there, you are able to split up.

If the above doesn't apply, you have no choice but to live with the utter arsehole until the youngest is about 10 - because you can't risk him having them alone.

I'm so sorry.

I'm with you OP stick to your guns!

I’m a fairly relaxed parent, but my seven year old is only allowed in a pool if he has either an adult in with him, or an adult watching and capable of getting in if need be.

When we’re on holiday we have a rule of one parent to one child, so whoever is watching my son would have to make him get out of the pool, go inside and then the door to the pool area would be locked while the adult used the toilet.

I lost my then two year old at London zoo, it was the most horrendous half an hour of my life, from then on he always had reins on so if he slipped my hand he was still safe, we’ll be doing the same with our daughter when she is walking. We use the tube etc a lot, even at seven unless he is sat down we have a hand hold policy on public transport.

Maybe point out that if anything happened, and it was as a result of one of those examples, he'd be all over the press as an example of a terrible parent who should have been there.

Om f**ing g. I would honestly NOT leave them in his care again ever. I'm so glad nothing happened to them yet in these extremely scary incidents!!!
Don't even argue this with him if he just calls you neurotic. Just don't leave them in his care.

I'm literally so gobsmacked I don't know what to say here.