Mum broke leg, now SIL furious

[RoversEnd]

So long story short my Mum broke her leg and we were meant to be dog sitting SIL’s dog this week as they are on holiday. We had to say we can’t do it as my Mum needs care. She’s on her own. I’m an only child and there is no-one else to help. We’ve got her a basic wheelchair and in cooking and caring for her. The response to this was that they are ‘furious’.

DH’s parents actually offered to look after the dog but apparently they can’t give ‘the dog what it needs’ for a week. There has been no concern for my Mum’s situation at all. SIL even said ‘I’m sorry to hear that RoversEnd and RoversEnd’s mum can’t handle this situation by themselves’.

AIBU to feel really hurt? I don’t have any siblings so I tried to make this relationship work for my DD’s sake so she has cousins to spend time with. DD is also an only child due to our secondary infertility. I feel like I’ve made a major effort trying to build this relationship and actually there’s nothing there. DH says he’s so disappointed that there’s no feeling or care for our situation whatsoever. I know she’s disappointed we can’t look after her dog, but her own parents offered to look after it too and sure they wouldn’t be able to take it for ten mile walks but they are very fit and healthy and could do a lot more than us, given we are in hospital every other day. In the end she said ‘she’s sorted something out’ and has now continued to talk on the family chat like nothings happened. I feel like removing myself from the group.

You committed to looking after the dog. It's still possible for you to look after the dog even though it may no longer be convenient. You're unreasonable to let her down at such short notice because it no longer suits you. I'd be pissed off too.

There's no "obviously" about it.

That plan was made before OP's mum broke her leg.
For all you know, DH was going to commute to work from his sister's house.

Or maybe just doesn't want to! Which is perfectly acceptable and normal.

I wouldn't have wanted dh and dd going to live elsewhere for a week, in the school holidays, whilst I stayed home looking after mum, just because of a dog - especially when there were alternatives available.

And that's the bottom line - there were alternatives for the dog care. The SIL just didn't want to accept that.

@amylou8 why on earth should some dog and it's owner's holidays trump OPs mother's health needs?
People's priorities are fucked, honestly.

@amylou8 the OP still offered to have the dog but not at the dog’s house. The PILs offered to have the dog. SIL turned both offers down

Maybe DH has a job?
Do you think the dog should be left alone all day?

Which is why I asked the question.
I’m not sure why you’re answering for OP when she’s capable of answering for herself.

I assume they both have jobs but also SIL would have a job so obviously it depends on OPs answer whether or not it would work or not.

It would also work out better for OP and her mum if it’s a workable solution.

It's not that it no longer suits her. Her parent, as a result of a leg break, now needs her. It's not just inconvenient,

You seriously would be pissed off if someone had to cancel looking after your dog, because their parent had an accident and required looking after? Really?? Especially when their own parents said they would take the dog?

That's just self entitlement. And not on the op.

There's no "obviously" about it.

That plan was made before OP's mum broke her leg.

For all you know, DH was going to commute to work from his sister's house.

If that’s the case then it’s obviously a commutable distance.

But she didn't need to panic. There was an alternative. SIL just didn't like that the OP was putting her mum before the dog.

Jesus wept !! The infertility comment was by way of an explanation as to why DD is an only child, which is relevant to the OP trying to build a relationship for her with cousins - how on earth do you stretch to ‘ongoing resentment’ ? Reading some of these frankly bloody awful replies, it’s clear that there’s very little experience here of caring for someone who is immobile, even temporarily.

May you have the friends & family you deserve.

Your dog, your choice. 🤷‍♀️

This isn't the OP's dog.
This isn't the OP's dh.

It's a new person moving in to be cared for, which a broken leg bad enough to need a wheelchair.
And it's someone else's very active jumpy dog, in a new place.

For those suggesting the dh goes on his own or with the child... maybe the dh was going to be going out to work each day, whilst the OP was at home looking after the dog and child, how will that work if op is no longer there?

I’m not sure why you’re answering for OP when she’s capable of answering for herself.

& I'm not sure why you're foisting 'solutions' on OP when she's capable of deciding for herself what help she is prepared to give her selfish SiL.

The dog sitter hasn't fallen through. She's still offered to take the dog but at her own house rather that at SILs house.

You agreed to look after their dog so they could go on holiday and you have pulled out. I don't see how your mother breaking her leg had anything to do with it.

And you have not done her a favour by offering to look after her dog as you didn't actually look after her dog.

You don't have to look after her dog but you offered and then you withdrew the offer so yabu.

Maybe her husband has a JOB to go to.

And who looks after the dog when the op needs to take her to the hospital every other day?
What happens if the OP's dh needs to be out at work each day?

And the sister doesn't want the dog looked after anywhere bar their own house.

So? In your scenario, DH's commute & work day would leave the dog alone all day.

Even if OP had kowtowed to SiL & made her poor mother come to stay with them all at SiL's house - what happens to the dog every other day when OP is taking her mum to hospital?

If there were no alternatives but to cancel the holiday or put the dog into a kennel, I could understand the SIL being disappointed; but this is not the case. There are some possible solutions- the PILs could look after the dog; the dog could come to stay with you and your DH rather than your DH going there- but apparently the SIL won't entertain anything but her original plan.

Is this a case of what might be called 'precious pooch syndrome', where the dog trumps everyone else, or is the SIL jealous that her brother might be prioritizing his wife and MIL over doing everything that she wants? In any case, you should not be expected to neglect your Mum or to drag her with a broken leg to an unfamiliar house, when there are other solutions available.

Op I would stop relying on sil to be the sibling you wish for. It’s the dependence on your relationship with her that is allowing her to take advantage of you and call the shots.
Look for decent friendships that can provide reciprocal, healthy support.

No is a complete sentence.
An essential tool for dealing with selfish, entitled, toxic people.

You really can't see why the OP can no longer decamp to another house to care for a very active dog whilst she also needs to care for her mum, who is currently wheelchair bound and needing to go to the hospital every other day?

Really?

It's very very clear why that arrangement can no longer happen.

Can’t your DH look after the dog?

To everyone saying they should have just looked after the dog anyway.
They did offer to in a way that would accommodate OP's Mum's needs as well, but SIL was too rude to respond. it was on SILs terms or not at all.
The Mum's leg situation warranted a wheelchair
The OP said they had to be at the hospital every other day - what would they do with a visiting boisterous dog then?
The DH was probably at work.
I think the SIL is Ok to be disappointed but she had other options readily available - she sounds selfish.
I don't think I'd want to look after the dog next time.

You agreed to look after their dog so they could go on holiday and you have pulled out.
Go & read the OP again @Lovethemarsbars.
OP did not "pull out" - she simply offered a change of venue, ie the dog to come to her house, so that she can manage the situation with her mum as well.

I don't see how your mother breaking her leg had anything to do with it.
You don't see how having an immobile person to help with their wheelchair, loo breaks, dressing, washing & every-other-day hospital appointments would impact on the arrangement?
How dense (or eager to bully OP) do you need to be not see that?

And you have not done her a favour by offering to look after her dog as you didn't actually look after her dog.
OP did not withdraw her offer to look after the dog.
SiL petulantly refused the alternative offer OP was able to make.

You don't have to look after her dog but you offered and then you withdrew the offer so yabu.
READ THE EFFING THREAD. This did not happen.

So many PP here so excited about the chance to give OP an undeserved kicking & not letting the facts get in the way of their bullying!