To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

She died in May 2020.

I feel guilt even admitting it, but no tears, grief or sense of loss from me whatsoever - maybe even a slight relief because I no longer had to go through the charade of the dutiful daughter role. At long last I’m released from the madness of her obfuscation and attempts to convince me that I made up all the numerous events from my childhood.

This thread has been incredibly cathartic. I always felt my situation was unique and no one would believe my experiences. Reading others that virtually mirror my own and could have almost been written by me too has taken away so much of the lonely child I was, and for that I’m so grateful all that have posted on here.

My DH, DD and DS saw the ‘real’ her and knew exactly what her game was so I didn’t have to explain to them, but they weren’t there when she was the most powerful, controlling and influential thing in my life.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas I'm glad you feel free ❤️

Sometimes the hardest thing is trying to get someone who has a loving normal mother to understand that not everyone has a mother they love, respect, admire etc. This thread is so good because it is full of understanding. It can often feel like talking to a brick wall when people just don't get it, and it can be a million times harder when these people who have no idea then question whether it is actually your fault that the relationship has broken or say things like 'you will miss her when she is gone '.

I lived in a city that was devastated by terrible earthquakes. I should have known better, based on previous experience, and behaviour, but I was just so happy and grateful when Mum said I could ring whenever, for a shoulder to cry on, emotional support, whatever I needed. Like a fool, I took her at her word.

We had another terrible quake on Boxing Day. It broke me. I was shaking, in tears, and rang my Mum, as she'd said I could, for comfort and support. To be told, 'well, I can't do anything now obviously, because golden child sister and she were about to take the dog for a walk. . .

That was the last time I ever looked to her for anything. No real care or concern, not for me, not for her two granddaughters.

I am sorry for your experience. At a stressful time your mother was unavailable, and I am guessing this pattern has been repeated during your life.
I remember turning to my mother after my ex OH sexually assaulted me-, punching my face, giving me a black eye and a split lip.
I phoned my mother and she said " Well you can be quite annoying", couldn't talk because she was late for a hair appointment.
I have looked to my mother for nothing in recent times.

I agree- those ideas of wise mothers and "no one better than your mum". Gives me the irk.
I dread mother's day, and specifically buy a card with no words, as she loves to take centre stage reading the Hallmark verses with a tear in her eye, then launching at me for a hug.
It is totally allowable to dislike your mother, to hold her in disrespect- because truly some mothers can't see past the end of their own navel.

She has died now, and I didnt realise quite how awfully narcisstic she was. Looking back, here are a few:
'You used to be clever, but then stopped listening to me'
'You could look nice if you made an effort'
(after me saying how hard it was when I was young, having had multiple surgeries') 'Well how do think it was for ME?'
On asking her why she never thought to ask what she could do or help me through my clearly obvious alcoholism:
'Well what could I do without everyone knowing?'

Well if she's genuinely ugly she has a point? Your her daughter/son. We say things to family we wouldn't necessarily voice aloud to others

My mum, to my baby girl that passed away at 22 weeks. She wanted to come with me to the chapel of rest to visit DD before the funeral -

She looked inside her tiny coffin and said ''you're having a funeral service for that?''

I am so sorry to read that.
To be in grief and have your mother side swipe your feelings is awful.
I hope you are finding healing, and a special place for your lost but important and loved little one. X

Most people don't say hateful cruel things like that!! And what's 'genuinely ugly' is you implying it's ok to say stuff like that to family.

Totally agree.

This thread is about narcs not for them.

I know what "genuinely ugly " is.
It is about judging someone for their appearance.
Nothing so ugly or superficial.

Oh god no. I’m so, so sorry to read this. However much of a bitch my mother was, I don’t think even she would stoop so low and be so unbelievably cruel. At no other time in your life would you need the love and support of a parent more than at the loss of your own child. I thought I had heard some pretty dreadful things from mine, but words fail me with that comment. I’m truly sorry you had to experience such unkindness and inhumanity.

@canyougiveahand - that is appalling. I think it's because your darling child would steal attention from her.

None of us with mothers like this are real people in their eyes. Likewise our children.

My mother just sent my birthday present via my sister, with a bland card. The present was something I know she’ll get free from work. This is because we haven’t really spoken since she made a scene at my daughters birthday party for the second year in a row, a week after making a scene at another of my family events. I’ve had this kind of shit most of my life. I’m meant to be grateful when she sends gifts instead of making apologies.. I want to throw it out of the window. I’ve got a wonderful husband wonderful daughters yet the way my mother treats me makes me break inside. A have a younger sister who is adored and cherished. Yet still somehow the family think I’m the one who’s the problem 😂

About 6 months before my grandmother’s death (sudden heart failure) in her early 90s she spoke to my DM about moving closer to her. She had been living pretty independently until then in her own home, with nothing more than a cleaner once a week (DM did bits and bobs for her at a distance but had always suggested she would give more care when needed)

I knew at the time my DM had kicked the moving idea into the long grass, but when I was clearing my late Dgran’s house I found the letter from DM where she said no - it was brutal and completely selfish - basically said Dgran had not ‘thought it through’ and DM hoped if she did move she wouldn’t expect her ‘to be fetching and carrying’ for Dgran

my Dgran was the sweetest, most unassuming woman ever, of that generation who hated to ‘make a fuss’ - it would have taken an awful lot for her to suggest that move, and my DM just swatted it away. When I think of the comfort and companionship my Dgran would have had in the last few months of her life, my blood boils.

My DM is now living very happily off the proceeds of my Dgran’s house sale. I see her about twice a year. There’s a lot of other stuff too, but that’s one that really sticks.

@PerpetualStudent - I feel sick for you. How upsetting for your DGM.

Should your DM get elderly you can repay the favour.

My DM always made a point of saying she would not look after anyone as she had done her bit. I'm not sure who she ever looked after as she never looked after me.

That is so heart-breaking. Some people just have no empathy. NONE.
xx

Classic from my mum when my son got his gcse results on Thursday. He rang her and my dad to let them know that he got 8 a* and a b. ‘What did you get the b for? The b- what was it for?’ Then changed the conversation to tell us for 5 minutes about a restaurant my brother had been to and what he ate! They were on speaker phone and it was appalling. After the call all four of us were like - Ffs! My DH was really annoyed and said he almost said something and I wish he had!

Why didn't you say something? Your poor son.

Why is it her fault? Maybe the mother should have just not been so self centred. By asking why she didn't say something it is almost as if you're putting the blame on her.

Because she said her DH almost did and she wished he had. We need to be strong for our dcs not let the pattern carry on.

@CuriousMama once the call was over we all just talked about it and said how ridiculous it was. We are all used to her behaviour. I also know that if something had been said it would have become a week of drama with tears, arguments etc and as we were on holiday at the time I chose the best option for us so that we could enjoy the day and celebrate without me having to deal with my mother.