Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New friend said I look ill and gaunt

122 replies

Mummysgogetter · 12/08/2022 10:39

Hi
im just wondering what peoples opinions are on this?
im 43, 5’ft 6 inches and size 10 - BMI of about 21
i have to work to maintain my weight and by that I mean not too many carbs, exercise but nothing extreme just walking, gentle yoga and 2 x strength training sessions a week. I eat very healthy foods - lots of good fats and protein and minimal cakes, biscuits etc.

a new lady I have become friends with and met in person for the first time (we met over internet) last week has all of a sudden sent a load of messages to me that she was shocked when she saw me last week, that she knows people put their best photos on WhatsApp and the internet, but she was shocked by my appearance. She said Even though I was smartly dressed I looked very ill, gaunt and pale.
im a pale skinned blonde who does not tan and I have to wear blusher to look well, that’s just my skin tone ( I didn’t bother with makeup when I went to see her). Also I would have to be about two to three stone heavier to have a rounder face as I have high cheek bones.

this really upset me and I said “I’m always thin in the face unless I get overweight and I’m naturally pale” and she replied “you’re not convincing me or yourself!l

im flabbergasted and not sure what to think to this exchange (esp the part about not convincing her or myself) ?? Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit upset at these comments?

OP posts:
Jki · 12/08/2022 10:42

Well, that’s rather an outspoken opinion. I wouldn’t want friends who need to comment on my appearance in any way. It’s a boring topic.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 12/08/2022 10:43

Sorry, to add, I said “I’m always thin in the face, even if I gain weight. It would have to be a large amount of weight for it to go to my face and I’m just naturally pale” and she replied “you just looked ill to me. Your not convincing me or yourself!”

OP posts:
Hazelthecat · 12/08/2022 10:44

She sounds ridiculous and nasty. I'm sure you look great, with a healthy bmi of 21 and natural skin without makeup or fake tan or skin damage. I would just block her and not give her any more head space she's not your friend.

JenniferBarkley · 12/08/2022 10:44

I'd take a big step back. I would only comment on a friend's appearance if they were very close friends and I was very worried.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 12/08/2022 10:44

Jki · 12/08/2022 10:42

Well, that’s rather an outspoken opinion. I wouldn’t want friends who need to comment on my appearance in any way. It’s a boring topic.

It’s made me feel paranoid that I look terrible when I feel Okay

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 12/08/2022 10:45

How rude! Cheeky bitch!

Id reply saying that it's extremely rude to comment on peoples appearance and you will be taking a step back from the friendship in light of her hurtful and unnecessary remarks.

A580Hojas · 12/08/2022 10:45

Hi,

What a strange story.

Prob best to just ignore it.

Fraaahnces · 12/08/2022 10:46

That was a very rude observation. I suspect she's jealous

Jki · 12/08/2022 10:46

Did you tell her that your appearance wasn’t really up for discussion but thanks for her unsolicited opinion anyway.

You could always find something shocking to say about her appearance as a retort.

I’m taller than you and a size 10 and very pale, if your face looks thin, it looks thin, fuck her.

I guess it isn’t unreasonable to be upset but I’d be more angry than anything- your body isn’t public property that is up for comment and opinions.

Original poster
Mummysgogetter · 12/08/2022 10:47

Thanks for the replies. It’s not the first time she has said something that shocked me - ages ago I sent her a pic on WhatsApp of me and my friend and she said how long have you known your friend on the left (this is before we’d met in person) and I said how do you know which one is me and she said because you said you were 43 and the other one looks years younger than you ( friend and i are the same age)

OP posts:
Ashleys63 · 12/08/2022 10:47

how much do you weigh?

MakeadealwithGod · 12/08/2022 10:47

Very very rude. You’d never even met before so it’s not like you changed. I wouldn’t want anything more to do with her.

Hoolahulahoop · 12/08/2022 10:48

She's jealous..

Essexgalttc · 12/08/2022 10:48

OP the fact she has done this after meeting once sets a precedent on how she’ll be in the future. I imagine if you keep the friendship up she’ll become more and more judgemental.

She is not a nice person commenting on your appearance. Please do not take her rude comments to heart.

Annoyedwithmyself · 12/08/2022 10:50

What an oddball. Probably gets a kick out of putting people down under the guise of concern. I wouldn't bother staying in touch. There was no need for her to comment and everyone knows that negative comments on anyone's appearance are a huge misstep. You could have been ill for all she knew, you would not have necessarily shared that with such a new acquaintance and could have come away feeling even worse.

RainyDays22 · 12/08/2022 10:52

I would just not meet up with her again, she's crossed a boundary.

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2022 10:52

Mummysgogetter · 12/08/2022 10:47

Thanks for the replies. It’s not the first time she has said something that shocked me - ages ago I sent her a pic on WhatsApp of me and my friend and she said how long have you known your friend on the left (this is before we’d met in person) and I said how do you know which one is me and she said because you said you were 43 and the other one looks years younger than you ( friend and i are the same age)

Simple explanation: she’s a cunt.

Jki · 12/08/2022 10:55

I agree with @Merryoldgoat

NyanBinaryJohn · 12/08/2022 10:56

Ashleys63 · 12/08/2022 10:47

how much do you weigh?

How is her weight relevant?

You have enough stats to ascertain she's fine. 5'6", size 10 and BMI of 21. In combination that is cause for concern.

OP, I would block this non friend and move on. It sounds like a form of negging.

adriftabroad · 12/08/2022 10:56

Whenever my sister goes on a successful diet and looses weight (ie, gives up the booze!) she is slimmer then her friends and looks fantastic.

Her friends also become very concerned about how gaunt and pale she is! They try to feed her and make her have a pint.

Agree with others... jealousy.

My DD (14) tall and slim... I could happily deck the skinny shaming people of a young teen, that goes on. From teachers, to friends to parents. It is shocking. She looks incredible and enormously healthy and tall and strong.

Eating disorder... way to go. STOP commenting on peoples weight people! In the case of my young DD it is dangerous.

NyanBinaryJohn · 12/08/2022 10:57

In combination that is NO cause for concern.

Missed out a crucial word there Blush

RainbowsMoonbeams · 12/08/2022 10:57

Well that would be the first and the last time I saw her again. She isn’t a friend, she sounds odd and a little jealous.

antwacky · 12/08/2022 11:01

She's way over the line and not someone who you need as a friend. She sounds nasty tbh and as others have said she's probably probably jealous.

bluejelly · 12/08/2022 11:03

She's jealous.

Endlesslypatient82 · 12/08/2022 11:06

You are on a lot of threads, some you have started yourself, about diet and weight and your body.

I am wondering whether a small part of you was actually quite happy with the “gaunt” description, as based on your previous posts and threads - you have a very strong desire to be thin

Swipe left for the next trending thread