New friend said I look ill and gaunt

[Mummysgogetter]

Hi
im just wondering what peoples opinions are on this?
im 43, 5’ft 6 inches and size 10 - BMI of about 21
i have to work to maintain my weight and by that I mean not too many carbs, exercise but nothing extreme just walking, gentle yoga and 2 x strength training sessions a week. I eat very healthy foods - lots of good fats and protein and minimal cakes, biscuits etc.

a new lady I have become friends with and met in person for the first time (we met over internet) last week has all of a sudden sent a load of messages to me that she was shocked when she saw me last week, that she knows people put their best photos on WhatsApp and the internet, but she was shocked by my appearance. She said Even though I was smartly dressed I looked very ill, gaunt and pale.
im a pale skinned blonde who does not tan and I have to wear blusher to look well, that’s just my skin tone ( I didn’t bother with makeup when I went to see her). Also I would have to be about two to three stone heavier to have a rounder face as I have high cheek bones.

this really upset me and I said “I’m always thin in the face unless I get overweight and I’m naturally pale” and she replied “you’re not convincing me or yourself!l

im flabbergasted and not sure what to think to this exchange (esp the part about not convincing her or myself) ?? Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit upset at these comments?

I have not gained any weight at all.

I am still a size 8/10, my clothes are definitely tighter round the waist. It doesnt show, it just is uncomfortable eating too many carbs.

Every single friend, skinny or fat, has said the same.

Anyway, OP, I understand you wanting to eat less carbs. In the UK it is much more emphasis on carbs as opposed to the continent where it is all fresh fish, salad, veggies etc.

If it makes you feel better my DM told me yesterday I shouldn't lose any more weight even though my BMI is of 26.

I was on the other thread

tool. Sharpest. Toolbox. Not. The

It's very early days in your new 'friendship' with this person, who has now twice made remarked which are at best not kind, oozing with faux sympathy.

No one needs that in their lives, especially from someone who cannot possibly know you all that well anyway.

File it under 'says more about her than about me' and don't give it another thought.

Meanwhile, I wouldn't be rushing to get to know her all that well. Who needs that in their life ?

She sounds horrible. She is jealous and insecure. She won’t add value to your life by becoming a friend, she will make you doubt yourself constantly. Cut ties with this awful woman. Your stats sound fine, I’m sure you look lovely - slim and healthy. I am of similar build and people have commented on my size and eating habits because they are struggling to keep theirs under control. Ditch her quickly and find new friends who will raise you up, not put you down. 💐

How rude! Especially as she's only just met you
Anyone meeting a new friend would want to make a good impression surely
Personally I wouldn't waste my time getting to know her better!

@Mummysgogetter How much do you actually weigh...just out of interest.
I'm not good with bmi stuff 😕

Maybe she's not what you want in a friend. If she doesn't make you feel better after you've seen her, then give her the swerve. Is there an old friend or family member that you trust that will give you an honest opinion? Quite difficult to tell you whether you look ill gaunt and pale from here.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’m just going to back off from now on. It’s a shame because other than this, we have a good rapport. I hadn’t answered her last message where she put “…. Your not fooling me or you” and she sent another one an hour later saying “it’s all down to you mummysgogetter!” - I’m really totally confused as to what she’s on about now.

Yeah I’ve just asked my other friend of 10+ years and she said I look no different to what I’ve always looked like

The number of adult women who can’t just tell someone to ‘fuck off’ is confounding.

Whether or not you are underweight (you aren’t) an actual friend would be sensitive in raising a possible issue.

She’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself.

Tell her to bugger off and crack on and give it no more thought.

Dump her quick. This is not a "friend", she has chosen and groomed you online for your real life social roles.

Her; emotional abuser and controller
You; her weak victim.

She's already started telling you you look "weak" and "unwell", and are too dumb to realise how weak and ill you are.

at 5’6” a BMI of 21 is about 9st 6lb

Yes slim, not underweight.

Omg she is so rude OP. Just block her please😂

She's rude, and she's crossing boundaries, and I wouldn't meet up with her again.

But tbf, almost all your posts here are about staying slim, how hungry you are, how you don't like how your body looks. Have you thought about whether you're feeling well?

(I say this out of compassion not cattiness, as I have an older friend who slipped into an ED fairly late in life (as in, in her 40s rather than in her teens)).

I would cut contact with her before she has the chance to say anything else. She sounds horrible.

I don’t want to put on weight, no, I admit that. Im roughly the same weight I was 20 years ago but probably a bit less because I don’t drink as much cause it messes with my sleep (perimenopause)

when does it go from being careful not to put on weight to an eating disorder? What’s the cut off point?

She should not be commenting on your appearance unasked. She should not criticize people for being overweight and she should not criticize people for being 'gaunt' . You could either give up on the friendship right away as a bad job (and be glad you realized early, before you invested too much in the friendship); or tell her that you don't want to hear comments about your appearance, and see how she responds.

She's not nice, I would avoid.

She's a bully who probably wonders why she has no friends. She uses other women to insult to feel better about herself.

Block, sack her off. Life's too short for people like her.

From the NHS:

Check if you have an eating disorder

If you or people around you are worried that you have an unhealthy relationship with food, you could have an eating disorder.

Symptoms of eating disorders include:

• spending a lot of time worrying about your weight and body shape
• avoiding socialising when you think food will be involved
• eating very little food
• making yourself sick or taking laxatives after you eat
• exercising too much
• having very strict habits or routines around food
• changes in your mood such as being withdrawn, anxious or depressed

You may also notice physical signs, including:

• feeling cold, tired or dizzy
• pains, tingling or numbness in your arms and legs (poor circulation)
• feeling your heart racing, fainting or feeling faint
• problems with your digestion, such as bloating, constipation or diarrhoea
• your weight being very high or very low for someone of your age and height
• not getting your period or other delayed signs of puberty

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/eating-disorders/overview/

Block and ignore. Shes toxic and likely jealous. Its bloody hard keeping weight off in your 40s. She prob doesnt have the discipline and is being mean to you to make herself feel better. Some people are naturally thinner than others and pale.

She's a bitch. I wouldn't hesitate to drop someone that spoke to me like that, especially a new 'friend'.

Well, I guess that rules out the chances of me having an eating disorder then