New friend said I look ill and gaunt

[Mummysgogetter]

Hi
im just wondering what peoples opinions are on this?
im 43, 5’ft 6 inches and size 10 - BMI of about 21
i have to work to maintain my weight and by that I mean not too many carbs, exercise but nothing extreme just walking, gentle yoga and 2 x strength training sessions a week. I eat very healthy foods - lots of good fats and protein and minimal cakes, biscuits etc.

a new lady I have become friends with and met in person for the first time (we met over internet) last week has all of a sudden sent a load of messages to me that she was shocked when she saw me last week, that she knows people put their best photos on WhatsApp and the internet, but she was shocked by my appearance. She said Even though I was smartly dressed I looked very ill, gaunt and pale.
im a pale skinned blonde who does not tan and I have to wear blusher to look well, that’s just my skin tone ( I didn’t bother with makeup when I went to see her). Also I would have to be about two to three stone heavier to have a rounder face as I have high cheek bones.

this really upset me and I said “I’m always thin in the face unless I get overweight and I’m naturally pale” and she replied “you’re not convincing me or yourself!l

im flabbergasted and not sure what to think to this exchange (esp the part about not convincing her or myself) ?? Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit upset at these comments?

She’s jealous! Take it as a compliment

when does it go from being careful not to put on weight to an eating disorder? What’s the cut off point?

I think the amount of threads and comments you have posted on here about your weight and being thin are certainly a major warning sign that you are definitely obsessive about it. For someone who is clearly not even close to being overweight, you are spending an awful lot of time thinking about your weight, worrying about your weight, and seeking validation from others about your weight. It's clearly something you are anxious about and you seem to be in need of constant reassurance.

So while you may not have an eating disorder - nobody here can diagnose you one way or the other - I think you definitely don't have a healthy relationship with your own body and potentially also with food.

On the face of it, your friend was rude, but the more I see of your posts, the more I wonder if she has noticed how preoccupied you are with your weight and is worried that you do, in fact, have some form of eating disorder. Clearly if that is her worry, she's raised it in completely the wrong way, but I feel there's a hell of a lot of context missing from your post (and from your others, in fact) and that perhaps you are unaware of how you come across when it comes to talking about this sort of thing.

She sounds manipulative and nasty
Your instincts were spot on

Yes it does indeed now take some thinking about to stay slim, unlike when I was a lot younger, so maybe I do think about it more than I ever have done in the past. No, I’ve never mentioned my weight or anything around that kind of thing to her before.

For example, when I was young I wouldn’t have to second guess eating a load of chocolate or overindulging, However now I have to be careful not to overeat. Obviously this has to be a conscious decision.
however, I don’t recall asking anyone for any reassurances on my body or my weight?

5ft 6 and a size 10 sounds perfect.

I have a friend who looks better with some weight (when pregnant) but most other people I know look better slimmer.

I'm 5ft 6 and size 10 is my perfect size but even then I wouldn't be skinny.

I reckon she's a jealous bitch. Especially the your other friend looking younger. Ditch her.

You know if you were fat then 99% of this thread would be posters saying "Could she have a point" or "You do sound on the heavy side".

No, because OP is objectively not underweight. Plus the jibe about her looking old is a clear indication the ‘friend’ is a tool.

Is your ‘friend’ overweight by any chance? I only ask because I’m similar to you- an inch taller and a size 10 and I have high cheekbones too.

My Mum has always struggled with her body image and has been on and off diets my whole life. She’s currently probably the biggest I’ve ever known her be, not that it’s any issue to me whatsoever because I really don’t care and just hope she’s finally quit the whole yo-yo dieting crap. Anyway, every time I see her she tells me I’m practically a skeleton, asks me whether I weigh 8 stone (I would literally be a skeleton if I weighed 8 stone at my height!) and asks if I eat anything etc. Constantly degrading my appearance which is completely unnecessary and mean.

It’s obviously jealousy, there’s no other reason for it and I’d say same goes for your ‘friend’ too especially if she is overweight. Your BMI is perfect so you’re healthy and really need to drop this so called friend.

Thanks everyone for your replies. No she’s not overweight- she’s like me really just average weight but I know she’s not happy in her life otherwise so maybe that is what the problem is

I would leave op as you say

this thread is not going to help

Symptoms of eating disorders include

ie not exhaustive

Not point of thread but curious how you became friends but had never met? Dating?

Definitely jealousy.

When I was a teenager (years ago!) I wasn't that tall (gradually getting up to 5 ft 5) but was always very slim, probably at 6 stone from 11 years old upwards. I ate very well, I just didn't put on weight, was very active and had a fast metabolism. I recall at age 11 in secondary school, me and 2 other girls in our class used to always get teased about being too skinny (rather than slim). A lot of clothes didn't fit me and this was back in the days when a size 8 was rare to find and there were no size 6s/4s. Luckily no one much knew about anorexia then.

I'd actually stop seeing this new friend OP, you're supposed to have people in your life who build you up and you like to be around, not who make you feel bad about your appearance.

Ditch definitely

Wow, what a bitch. Her messages to you were way out of line.

Block her OP! She’s a nasty weirdo.

Wow, what a cow. I'd ignore tbh

Op looking at your other threads it’s clear you have significant issues surrounding food, in fact you even started a thread saying you do,

im not sure if this actually happened or if you just want another reason to talk about food and your weight, but maybe it’s time to seek some help.

This thread is just another excuse for you to talk about your weight..

And she said that the first time you met???

I'd tell her how rude she is then block her. She's no friend, and has no boundaries.

I’ve made lots of friends virtually - one of my best friends (I’ve only met in person once) I met on here.

I'd be stepping back a bit from this new friendship.

I'd only ever comment on the appearance of a very close, old friend, and only then if I was very concerned.

Perhaps you have attracted a friend who also likes talking about weight and appearance.

I had a "friend like this. She would make the odd comment about y weight, I'm a similar size to you, and then about my clothes, my hair, etc.etc. Eventually she started asking questions about my personal life etc. it turned out she was a spy for my ex. I blocked her.
If she was really concerned about your health, she'd find a kind way to show her concern. Not outright nastiness

And toxic. She is no friend. I wouldn't see her anymore personally. She makes you question and feel shit about yourself.