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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am BU, but I don’t want DH here all the time

109 replies

Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:04

He’s not doing anything wrong, but he’s WFH in a garden room staring directly out at the garden (ofc) so feel self conscious if I try to relax and play with kids or read or relax out there.

When I’m in the house he’s in and out asking questions and trying to talk to me when I want peace.

I feel a bit shit saying it but I do feel like I need a couple of days without him.

Im on summer holidays and just feel watched all of the time.

OP posts:

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 12/08/2022 08:07

What will you do when you retire? Serious question.

Marvellousmadness · 12/08/2022 08:09

How bizarre that you feel watched and can't relax when he is there...
Maybe its a sign ?...

ChickenChop · 12/08/2022 08:11

I'd have no qualms just saying to my husband to give me a bit of peace and stop coming to see me constantly during the day/

It's fine to want and need time away from your partner for portions of the day and don't let other posters try and tell you otherwise

I'm very happily married. I have no desire to see my husband during the day when we are both working from home

catsarebetterthanpeople · 12/08/2022 08:12

Do you work, @Readrun ?

I can understand the desire to be 'home alone' with the kids, if that's what you're used to. Or are you a teacher on school holidays too, so you're normally out of the house?

I would hate feeling watched all the time, so recommend you going out with the kids to the park etc instead.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 12/08/2022 08:16

Why can’t you relax while he’s around.

That’s really odd.

Quitelikeit · 12/08/2022 08:16

It’s very unusual to feel ‘watched’

is there more to the story?

Cloverforever · 12/08/2022 08:19

Christmasiscominghohoho · 12/08/2022 08:16

Why can’t you relax while he’s around.

That’s really odd.

No, its not odd. I used to feel like that when I was home with the kids and he was working. Horrible feeling not being able to relax in your own home.

Testina · 12/08/2022 08:20

You’d rather the household lost commute cost and he personally lost commute time because you feel “watched”?

Gaveitall · 12/08/2022 08:20

If you’re feeling this now, as someone above has said, how will you manage retirement when he’s around all the time?

Retired men, so Gransnet can testify, in some instances, can be very watchful when they’re no longer distracted by work & out of the house.

Quitelikeit · 12/08/2022 08:20

Sorry but all these people saying they couldn’t relax I don’t understand why?

or I would say your relationship dynamics were very off

converseandjeans · 12/08/2022 08:24

Do you usually work? I don't imagine it's great being stuck working all day while the rest of the family play, wife can relax for a bit with a book.

He sounds better than the blokes who take over downstairs and everybody has to creep round.

Triffid1 · 12/08/2022 08:24

I sympathise with you in regards to.him.constantly wanting to chat etx- it can be annoying when you just want your own routine. But him being in a garden house is surely the holy grail of work from.hom? He's there, no commute and so on but the rest or the family can continue with their normal lives without worrying about noise etc?

Does he complain that you are lazing around while he is working or something?

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 12/08/2022 08:25

Oh OP I get you 100%!
As an antisocial introvert I need time completely alone and my dh wfh as do I do it’s all too much.
As often as I can I find alone time.

Love dh to bits and it’s not personal but I struggle with the fact he’s in the building where we can see each other, speak to each other at any time.

I crave solitary living since we began this wfh malarkey!

agedasiago · 12/08/2022 08:26

So go away for a few days on your own, since you're on holiday and he's working. If he WFH in a room that looks out over the garden then yeah, he's gonna look out at the garden sometimes. It's probably not anything personal. Is it possible to put in some opaque curtains, adjustable (Venetian-type) blinds, or something over the glass so there's a bit of a screen, so people in the garden don't feel as much "on stage"?

His talking when you need some peace and quiet is a different issue; just tell him you need some quiet time and you'll chat with him later in the day/at dinner/some specific time?

converseandjeans · 12/08/2022 08:26

We're both teachers so DH is about all summer. I know we're lucky to not need childcare - but it takes some adjustment to going from being busy to being together 100% of time (he likes to do family stuff a lot of the time)

Dillydollydingdong · 12/08/2022 08:26

Go out. Take kids with you. Maybe take a couple of days away, staying with friends or family? Book a long weekend away on holiday?

Christmasiscominghohoho · 12/08/2022 08:27

Cloverforever · 12/08/2022 08:19

No, its not odd. I used to feel like that when I was home with the kids and he was working. Horrible feeling not being able to relax in your own home.

Show quote history

Of course it’s odd to not be able to relax when your partner is around.

Mumdiva99 · 12/08/2022 08:27

I felt like this when husband started working from home more and more (way before covid)....and in a tiny house so we all had to be quiet when he was on a call. Since then I have gradually got used to it. I keep having to 'have a word with myself' and point out the hours he saves not commuting, how much happier he is and also the impact of his salary on the home. We do now have space for him to be in his office. (But in my head that meant going in for 8 hours a day.....reality is he is in and out constantly....)

It did make having friends over odd. Both the kids friends and mine. Because it is a different dynamic when my husband is home. But again we are used to it now.

Rather than resent him for it, just try to get used to it. (And I would have the list of jobs I had done ready if he found me sitting on Mumsnet at 10am!! Lol)

Immaterialatthispoint · 12/08/2022 08:28

I find it so odd that you feel self conscious in front of your husband in your own garden. What’s going on in your marriage?

arethereanyleftatall · 12/08/2022 08:28

Since my divorce, I have discovered I prefer living alone by about a billion times.
In your shoes, since you haven't detailed you want a divorce, you should not feel guilty feeling like this, nor does it mean you don't love him, it's just you want your space, and that's fine. You need to talk to him to find a solution.

NoSquirrels · 12/08/2022 08:32

Since you can’t change him WFH, and he’s doing it in an appropriate place (a garden room not middle of the house), you’re right that you’re BU in the sense that he’s not doing anything wrong, it’s your feelings about it that need to be managed.

(Feelings are never unreasonable, it’s actions that result from them that can be.)

What can you practically do or what agreements can you come to together to make it feel better to you?

3amAndImStillAwake · 12/08/2022 08:32

I'm another one who can't understand why you feel self conscious. DH is wfh and I'm on mat leave with DD2 and I don't feel watched. Does he comment on what you're doing?

(Although, normally I wfh as well, so maybe that changes my perspective)

Subbaxeo · 12/08/2022 08:34

I adore my husband and daughter but can’t stand it when they’re both at home all day. I love the time by myself. It makes me relax. Luckily, we all have a laugh about it and we’re pretty accepting of each other’s foibles. So to all those posters saying it’s weird or questioning your marriage, maybe you should accept not everyone’s like you. Maybe talk to your husband and agree a sensible compromise that can suit you both. Is there a cafe or library where he can go and work for a couple of hours?

gamerchick · 12/08/2022 08:38

I'm thankful husband doesn't work from home. There's nothing wrong with you OP. It's different when you have the house to yourself whether people are fine and used.to having them around all the time or not.

Original poster

Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:39

Retirements a bit different … I never mind him being around when he’s here at the weekend or whatever.

I feel watched because of the position of where he works. It’s directly overlooking the garden so if I’m in the garden he can’t help but see me and vice versa.

OP posts:

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