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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am BU, but I don’t want DH here all the time

109 replies

Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:04

He’s not doing anything wrong, but he’s WFH in a garden room staring directly out at the garden (ofc) so feel self conscious if I try to relax and play with kids or read or relax out there.

When I’m in the house he’s in and out asking questions and trying to talk to me when I want peace.

I feel a bit shit saying it but I do feel like I need a couple of days without him.

Im on summer holidays and just feel watched all of the time.

OP posts:
catlovingdoctor · 12/08/2022 09:53

YANBU at all. I hate having people in the house all the time with me, it just feels like I'm under surveillance /having things commented on constantly and I can't get any space.

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2022 09:54

Is he quite critical of you? Do you feel like he’s judging your parenting? It doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 09:57

No, nothing like that. It is as PP have said.

OP posts:
Blowthemandown · 12/08/2022 09:59

If he's working he won’t be watching you. You could get some blinds and say it will be more ‘office like’ but otherwise can he move to a different bit of the house?

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 10:01

Tbh it’s more the feeling than the reality. I’ve no idea if he is looking out at us all the time or not but it feels like he is. Same regardless of where he is.

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 12/08/2022 10:10

I get it OP - I am going on maternity leave next month and my DP now works from home 3 days a week.

I am very conscious of not having the place to myself (well, to me and baby) while I am off and he is working, especially as we're in a flat so we'll all be sharing the exact same space. It means I can't really have people over, can't sit around watching box sets in the living room without him moaning and saying they're rubbish, etc etc. I will need to get out and about a lot I think!

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 10:14

I found the same. And the feeling chivvied out of your own home is infuriating.

OP posts:
GlitteryGreen · 12/08/2022 10:17

Yeah it does feel frustrating. It's hard as well because currently we both work from home together so the dynamic is already quite set - I'm not sure he'll think "Ah Glittery is off work now so she should get control of the TV", or "I'll go in a bit more often so Glittery can have a friend over for some company", or whatever.

Don't get me wrong, I am semi glad he'll be here so I have some adult company and a bit of help with the baby, but it's not exactly the way I pictured mat leave.

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 10:18

It was tough having DH round all the time when I was on mat leave. Definitely impacts on it.

OP posts:
UniBallEye · 12/08/2022 10:21

I can't relate to this at all. Dh has always partly worked from home (self employed) and when he's not out at meetings / on site working, he's working from home. He has an office upstairs but often sits at the kitchen table. He also often works on paper work a the weekend.
I have no problem with any of this, if he's in the way in the kitchen I say so and he moves upstairs.

I love having him around but I would say we spend more time together than lots of couples due to the nature of our work.

I've never felt watched by him and if I have had a busy week (I have a stressful full time job) I have no issues lying in bed watching crap movies / box sets at the weekend and he brings me breakfast or lunch or coffee or wine etc

Mally100 · 12/08/2022 10:23

I guess if thats the way you feel then you are entitled to that. It would only be UR if you expect him to do something about it.

Hugasauras · 12/08/2022 10:30

You feel how you feel and that's all there is to it really.

I can't relate to it personally. I'd love DH to be able to see us while playing in garden or just feel like he was part of things during the day more than shut in his office upstairs, so it's just different dynamics really. And I never feel self-conscious or guilty for anything I do in the house, even if it's watching box sets for hours on end. We don't have that kind of relationship I guess. I don't behave or feel differently when he's home or not.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 12/08/2022 10:31

Oh god OP, I totally relate to this.

Hugasauras · 12/08/2022 10:32

(That's not to say I don't enjoy my own space, I do. But whether he's somewhere else in the house or not makes no difference if I am watching TV in the living room)

SleeplessInEngland · 12/08/2022 10:32

I get being annoyed at never having space, especially post pandemic, but him 'overlooking you in the garden' is definitely a step above that. You at least seem to know it's a weird complaint.

NCHammer2022 · 12/08/2022 10:37

Ask him to turn his desk so it faces the wall? I mean, I assume he’s still wfh because it’s saving you money on a commute that probably hasn’t come with a reduction in salary to match, so I think you have to suck it up. I’m a massive introvert and like space to myself but to be feeling self conscious and/or guilty is weird.

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 10:39

I don’t really think it’s weird, tbh … I appreciate you do, but I suppose it’s a bit like when I’m teaching and someone comes in. I feel self conscious and start overthinking everything I am doing and saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 10:41

Like now he came into the house for some toast and started talking to me about this and that … nothing he’s doing wrong (except leaving crumbs and mess behind him) but I was actually reading at the time.

yes I get I could just say go away I’m reading but I don’t … it’s annoying.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 12/08/2022 10:43

Readrun · 12/08/2022 10:39

I don’t really think it’s weird, tbh … I appreciate you do, but I suppose it’s a bit like when I’m teaching and someone comes in. I feel self conscious and start overthinking everything I am doing and saying.

Oh I know that feeling, I just don't ever get it with my husband. He has walked in on me pretending I was on a radio show and being interviewed while I cooked dinner before and just shrugged and walked out again Grin

Littleduck80 · 12/08/2022 10:43

I have very similar situation. This week he told me he had to go to Portsmouth for 3 days next week for a course and I feigned being sad. By the time he told me 10 seconds later that he was joking I'd already planned out all 3 days. Trying to hide the disappointment was tough. I love him dearly, but there is no shame in valuing personal space.

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 10:45

I’d have been gutted @Littleduck80 😂😂

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 12/08/2022 10:46

I don’t really think it’s weird, tbh … I appreciate you do

Well your thread title literally says you know you're being unreasonable, so if not 'weird' you at least seem to think you're in the wrong for feeling that way.

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 10:47

I get you feel strongly about this, but I don’t think anything about this is ‘weird.’ Smile

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 12/08/2022 10:50

Readrun · 12/08/2022 10:47

I get you feel strongly about this, but I don’t think anything about this is ‘weird.’ Smile

I'm not trying to start an argument - just quoting your thread title back to you. Do you now not think you're BU?

Crikeymaccrikey · 12/08/2022 10:51

It is 100% not odd to want some space from your partner.
Some people like being with dh a lot and cant seem to think its also normal to want space.
My dh would find it suffocating emotionally if I wanted to be with him all the time and vica versa .