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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am BU, but I don’t want DH here all the time

109 replies

Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:04

He’s not doing anything wrong, but he’s WFH in a garden room staring directly out at the garden (ofc) so feel self conscious if I try to relax and play with kids or read or relax out there.

When I’m in the house he’s in and out asking questions and trying to talk to me when I want peace.

I feel a bit shit saying it but I do feel like I need a couple of days without him.

Im on summer holidays and just feel watched all of the time.

OP posts:
Tigerstigers · 12/08/2022 08:39

Completely sympathise op. I can't stand the days my DH works from home, as I just like my own space to do what I want without feeling on show or judged. It's like you're on Big Brother! For example, if one of the kids starts crying, or an argument breaks out and I don't manage to calm it down in under 60 seconds, I can guarantee down he flounces like a superhero trying to "help", but it just irritates me. Or when I'm trying to prise out of the kids what they want for lunch, again down he comes and starts adding in suggestions (stuff I really don't want to have to prepare too) it's like he doesn't think I know what I'm doing and has to get involved. It really effects my self esteem as a a parent. He just says he was only trying to help, and looks like a wounded puppy if I say something, but I can't describe how much it annoys me that he can't just get on with his work, and leave me alone. I despise it, and summer hols are making it worse. He went back twice a week after Covid as I said it would be make or break otherwise, and he agreed. Some weeks though he'll spontaneously announce he's not going in, and I get such a deflated feeling. I look forward to my days alone, and schedule my days off from work around his days at home, especially when the kids are at school, because I need that space alone.

Immaterialatthispoint · 12/08/2022 08:40

I’m not questioning the need for a bit of peace. It’s the specificity of feeling self conscious I find very odd. This is someone you’ve had children with, he’s had intimate parts of his body inside your body and you’re self conscious sat in the garden? I do find that odd.

mydogisthebest · 12/08/2022 08:41

I can understand if you want some time to yourself but not feeling relaxed in your home because your DH is there is wrong.

You should be able to tell him you need a bit of time alone and also that you don't want him chatting all the time. Partners should be able to discuss things without upsetting the other.

As others have pointed out, how will you cope when he retires? I would love for my DH to retire. He is 65 and still working, although slightly less, and I can't wait for the day he retires totally

Thepossibility · 12/08/2022 08:41

I understand and I don't think it's odd. If my husband is doing something productive I feel lazy doing nothing and feel like I should be doing something too. If he's lazing about then it's fine.
If he was around all the time I could never fully relax and do things at my own pace.

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:41

It really effects my self esteem as a a parent

Yeah I relate to this … it’s the having someone there but not there.

OP posts:
NinaBalatka · 12/08/2022 08:43

There is nothing even remotely odd about the OP's situation.

If you are used to being at home with the children, that is what's normal. It isn't normal to have someone else in the same space - whether or not they're bothering you, watching you, whatever. I used to be able to feel the presence of my husband in the house, even when he was working two floors up from the children and me. The house feels very, very different with someone else in it if you're used to being there on your own (and 'on your own' means 'with the children' too).

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:43

retirement is v different. It’s a different dynamic having someone working.

Yesterday I was watching TV during nap time, wouldn’t think anything of it if DH wasn’t here but because he is here it feels uncomfortable and unfair. It’s not his fault and I’m not being critical of him. I just find it a lot easier and feel I can take the day at my own pace when he’s not here.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 12/08/2022 08:43

Is he judging you or commenting on your parenting or what you’ve been doing, though? Or is he just concentrating on working?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 12/08/2022 08:45

Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:43

retirement is v different. It’s a different dynamic having someone working.

Yesterday I was watching TV during nap time, wouldn’t think anything of it if DH wasn’t here but because he is here it feels uncomfortable and unfair. It’s not his fault and I’m not being critical of him. I just find it a lot easier and feel I can take the day at my own pace when he’s not here.

I think you might be in for a shock if you think it's a different dynamic.

NoSquirrels · 12/08/2022 08:46

Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:43

retirement is v different. It’s a different dynamic having someone working.

Yesterday I was watching TV during nap time, wouldn’t think anything of it if DH wasn’t here but because he is here it feels uncomfortable and unfair. It’s not his fault and I’m not being critical of him. I just find it a lot easier and feel I can take the day at my own pace when he’s not here.

You say you’re not being critical of him, but is he being critical of you? What’s causing the feeling that you should’nt watch TV during nap time, do you think?

Is it you feeling guilty? (You don’t need to, we all need a break)

Or is he critical of ‘what you get done’? Explicitly or covertly?

MrsSchrute · 12/08/2022 08:49

I totally get this OP! I don't think it's weird at all!

I always thought of it like DH was in my place of work, watching me! He would do things like wait until I had just got DC down for a nap, all was quiet, and then come down and talk to me, when I was just looking forward to some quiet! I much preferred the days he was in the office!

Now the DC are older and in school I don't mind him being around all day at all, so I don't think my marriage is doomed! But I totally get what you mean!

PastaCheese · 12/08/2022 08:51

Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:43

retirement is v different. It’s a different dynamic having someone working.

Yesterday I was watching TV during nap time, wouldn’t think anything of it if DH wasn’t here but because he is here it feels uncomfortable and unfair. It’s not his fault and I’m not being critical of him. I just find it a lot easier and feel I can take the day at my own pace when he’s not here.

This is the definition of a you problem

Charlavail · 12/08/2022 08:55

I relate OP. I'm a teacher but also on maternity leave so double off work at the moment!
If DH is here working then I feel like I should be doing something the entire time he is working so I don't come across as lazy.
This is just one symptom in our unhappy marriage though. I hope the same isn't true for you.

MiddleParking · 12/08/2022 08:56

I’d feel the same and I’d tell him so.

Cas112 · 12/08/2022 08:56

It's really odd you feel watched by your partner. I feel ultimate comfort when my partner is around. Is that not how it's supposed to be?

RuthBrenner · 12/08/2022 08:58

It's a little odd to feel self-conscious in front of your own husband in your own garden.

Lndnmummy · 12/08/2022 08:59

I can sympathise with some of this. I love mu husband dearly but I hate when we both work from home. He interrupts me constantly by "just popping my head in to say hi" and "just checking in to make sure I'm ok". YES I'm FINE, I'm WORKING. He constantly interrupts me and its driving me insane. As soon as he hears me off the phone cue in he comes "you busy?". YES YES YES I'm busy. For crying out loud. I am busy.

He is very sociable, needy even.He wants me around him all the time. He wants me to stop what I'm doing when he talks. I have tried talking to him, I snap occasionally and its got abit better. We have decided to work from home alternate days from September as its just not working. I love him, but jesus he is intense.

Mally100 · 12/08/2022 09:00

Readrun · 12/08/2022 08:39

Retirements a bit different … I never mind him being around when he’s here at the weekend or whatever.

I feel watched because of the position of where he works. It’s directly overlooking the garden so if I’m in the garden he can’t help but see me and vice versa.

And so? That's bizarre. What do you think he's doing, spying on you? You are in his line of vision so it's not like he's going to be creepy watching you, he's probably getting on with his work!

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 09:08

I always thought of it like DH was in my place of work, watching me! He would do things like wait until I had just got DC down for a nap, all was quiet, and then come down and talk to me, when I was just looking forward to some quiet! I much preferred the days he was in the office

yeeees!

people are talking very insistently about retirement but a) we are a long way off that and b) I have no issues with DH around the home when he is on holiday or at weekends.

we are all different

it feels a bit uncomfortable feeling as if you have eyes on you all of the time. I am not saying he is doing anything wrong. But I am constantly aware of him.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 12/08/2022 09:10

I imagine OP feels guilty relaxing while DH is still working. I think I would too. It sounds like children are still little though so will take up your energy in a different way to working.

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 09:31

Not exactly guilty, just conscious. I know on a day to day basis I do loads, but it is different dynamics and I don’t think I’m brilliant at managing it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2022 09:32

If he's staring at you constantly when you're in the garden, then you need tl talk to him and ask him why? If he's coming out of the "office" to comment on you watching telly or complain about the noise or comment on what you're doing, then again you need to talk to him. It isn't reasonable for him to think you can parent the kids in silence.

On the other hand if you just ASSUME he's watching you and judging you, maybe you need to think about the health of your relationship / self esteem? Why do you feel he's judging you for having a break?

Original poster
Readrun · 12/08/2022 09:37

I have acknowledged this is my issue and nothing he is doing wrong as such Smile but it is hard to stop feeling a particular way even if you know those feelings are not fair.

OP posts:
Leafy3 · 12/08/2022 09:42

Nothing about how you feel is unreasonable, lots of people feel the same. As to the post about retirement - retired people often go through it too!

I'd look at blinds or a muslin curtain for the window for a start.

We all need independent space in relationships, it's healthy.

shadypines · 12/08/2022 09:51

Hi OP, I actually could have written some of your posts word for word so totally get where you are coming from. Me and DH both wfh but I have one day off mid week when I normally potter about, do a few jobs and try to relax. But like you say it's harder when you know someone is practically next to you 'at work'. I too feel watched etc I had to have strong words with not long ago as he was constantly pestering me, mansplaining things and interfering with stuff I just wanted to be LEFT ALONE to do!
If I get an hours peace in the house these days it is heavenly.