I am BU, but I don’t want DH here all the time

[Readrun]

He’s not doing anything wrong, but he’s WFH in a garden room staring directly out at the garden (ofc) so feel self conscious if I try to relax and play with kids or read or relax out there.

When I’m in the house he’s in and out asking questions and trying to talk to me when I want peace.

I feel a bit shit saying it but I do feel like I need a couple of days without him.

Im on summer holidays and just feel watched all of the time.

There’s a difference between ‘I know I’m being a bit unreasonable but this is how I feel’ and ‘you’re weird.’

’Weird’ is what spiteful little schoolgirls say when someone doesn’t conform.

Ps its bliss to have house to yourself .
Its ok to want space.

Yes I 100% get it !! We all need our space! My husband retired and is away a lot climbing and sailing…keeps me sane TBH !

I would lose my reason if DH was at home all the time. I need my time alone or I would go screwy. I also get that feeling of being watched, not in a bad or judgmental way but my house is small and I can feel his beady eyes on me. Makes me feel clausto. Weekends are fine however and I enjoy having him here, Weekdays are mine!

OP I completely understand. My DH used to sometimes work from home - long before covid. I really disliked it. Can’t quite put my finger on why. I worked part time at the time. Odd hours so I was mostly around in the day time.
We are now retired and our adult children have flown the nest and I now love having his company all the time.

It’s good others get it! As you say, it isn’t in a judgemental way, you just feel a bit stifled sometimes.

I wish my husband was back in the office more. I'm fed up of hearing all his work meetings and hearing him constantly sighing.

I disagree, in this context 'weird' wasn't an insult, just a synonym for unusual.

Wanting your own space isn't unusual - no-one on this forum would deny that need - but feeling self-conscious your husband is looking out onto the garden while you play with your kids does strike me as weird unusual. I don't think it's something most people would have a problem with.

So you would say to someone their dress is weird? You would say that’s a weird hairstyle? Come on, you know it’s not a pleasant word and it isn’t intended as such. It really is getting a bit schoolgirl argument. Pointing at someone and saying weird weird weird then ‘but I don’t want an argument.’

I do feel self conscious about playing with kids toys, in the sandpit and paddling pool knowing DH is looking out. I would just prefer him to be in the office, if I’m honest. I don’t verbalise this because I’m a decent person.

I dont find it bizarre at all Op. Everyone I know hates it with husband at home during the day.

Granted he's no choice when working from home but I totally get that you feel watched and self conscious with him looking out at the garden whilst you're there.

Use of the word ' weird' is unpleasant and unnecessarily judgemental. Making barbed comments/sweeping judgements of OP life and marriage is cheeky to put it politely and not a helpful input.
Am just going to throw in (as I think this is quite important) the size and layout of people's homes. If I had a mansion I doubt I'd give a monkeys if DH was at home to work but I've got a smallish open plan house, bought before we ever dreamt of a pandemic and wfh.

If you're both teachers then presumably you're about all Summer too, maybe he feels the same about you being there. We were both teachers but never had this problem, maybe we were to grown up!

I realise the above post wasn’t aimed at me but all these nasty swipes really aren’t necessary.

I can’t speak for @converseandjeans but I tend to go out and about far more than DH, so he gets the house to himself (even without wfh) more than I do. That’s my choice and it is fine.

@shadypines i have to admit that we moved house due to a variety of factors but our previous home no longer being suitable to wfh in was a factor. Hence I recognise how unreasonable I am but DH is still there!

Fair play to you OP, you are being honest here. Your thread title is honest and your comment about moving house.
Take some comfort if poss from the messages of posters who understand. It rarely matters what an OP talks about as there is always those ready to throw from the peanut gallery at you.

The thing is, it's not so much about wanting the space away from someone but the fact that one person is off and should be free to do whatever, but the other person is working. So they can't join in properly with anything, and the person who's off has to be a bit more conscious of what they're doing (kids making noise, kids wanting to go in and show him something so having to keep them out, do I need to factor DP in for lunch etc).

I would be happy to spend my mat leave with DP if he was off too, but it's much harder to navigate when he's at home but working. It'll be all 'Oh hang on, I'll come out with you, let me just send this email...', and then that turns into a 30 min+ wait for him, then he'll answer a phone call so another wait...

If we had space for him to just shut himself away in an office room then it wouldn't be so difficult, but it is hard when they are constantly present/in and out.

The above was a big factor in moving - it was driving me to a nervous breakdown keeping kids out of the dining room in the old house, getting all excited when daddy appeared and then sobs when daddy goes back … it is really stressful.

The asking questions bit to me seems unreasonable. As it would be in reverse when he is working.

I remember some sort of scientific pre-marriage counsellor saying he could tell which couples would last, it was those whose stress levels both went down when they were in a room together.

I don’t know about that. I would certainly want DH around if I was stressed or upset in some way. But him being in a room with me (and the children) and him being in a room with me and the children when he’s working are so incredibly different.

I can fully understand why you would feel that when teaching and someone comes in but, in my view, you really should not feel that way about your husband.

You obviously are not totally comfortable around him. Why would you feel self conscious playing with the children? I don't have children but I play with the dogs and talk to them and would never feel uncomfortable about DH seeing or hearing me.

I know quite a few couples where the husband is home during the day either working or because they are retired and the only ones who hate it are the ones with unhappy marriages

Could he face his desk the other way? So when he’s working and you’re in the garden, it’s less of an “exam invigilator breathing down your neck” feel?

But he's in another room, he isn't sat staring at you .

Like a pp said, its youre feelings and you're entitled to them so I'm not going to try and tell you your feelings are wrong, but obv it would be unfair to make him face the wall all day like Hammer suggested

I don't get the "he's in MY space" logic. And DH was home working due to lockdown from when the twins were four? months for well over a year so i couldn't even go out.

But then i dont feel like i have to stop what in doing every time he walks in the room to appease him or pander to his needs

DH can you face the wall all day because i might go in the garden and you might look at me!

Do you have kids at home? Of not why can't you be alone out of the house as he's working and youre not? Thats not a bitch at you not working, i don't either but if i wanted to be alone and DH needed to work, i wouldn't assume I'm the one who should stay homr