Mistakenly asked friend before I asked DH for help

[fledup]

I was struggling with some DIY today. A good friend of mine does a lot of DIY and has done the type of DIY I was attempting today.

My husband works a lot and is always preoccupied even when he's home ( which is rare ). My friend and I were texting anyway so I asked her what she thought I needed to do for this particular part of the project. She popped round later to show me and my husband was angry that I didn't ask him. He flew into quite a rage, actually and embarrassed me in front of my friend and called me stupid. He said I should have not asked anyone else but him.. first.

You haven’t done anything wrong whatsoever, everyone here is telling you that, hopefully you will stop doubting yourself. That level of rage about anything is abnormal.
Interesting that he kicked off in front of your friend, so she’s witnessed his behaviour. He couldn’t even control himself long enough to look reasonable in front of someone else. He’s awful.

He's a cunt.

He shouldn't be embarrassed at your behaviour, you should be embarrassed at his. He sounds awful.

He sounds awful! If my DH ever flew into a rage about anything he'd be permanently flying out the door.

I am saving this

Tell him you didn't ask him because he flies off the handle like a weak little twat.

I wonder if the embarrassment is more to do with a 'woman' knowing 'his job'.

Tell the twat he embarrassed himself, not you.

In fact, he sounds like an abusive twat, so the only thing you should be telling him is bye.

He sounds controlling and like he has an anger problem. His reaction was NOT normal.

I’m guessing that you feel like constantly treading on eggshells around him
and questioning your own behaviour?

It sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship OP. 😔

You didn't mistakenly do anything. He's being an arse.

Your husband sounds like an utter twat.

If my partner asked her friend for DIY advice instead of me my only opinion would be "Yay, one less thing for me to deal with"

If your husbands masculinity is so fragile that he's going so overboard about not being the authority on DIY, I'd be getting rid.

Omg flashback to when I got one of my colleagues to fix my aerial on my car, my ExH went nuts, I embarrassed and belittled him by not asking him. At the time every man I worked with were car experts, all ex panelbeaters/mechanics etc… I was working with cars, I’d ordered the aerial through work, the guys sorted it for me. But I should have just left it to my useless ex who didn’t care less how much of a shit tip the car was.

Good luck op x

OP the saddest part of your thread is the title, where you accuse yourself of "mistakenly" asking a friend for help.

You didn't make a mistake.
What has happened here is that your domineering bully of a H has conditioned you to respond to HIS anger by blaming YOURSELF for it.

Your H is happy to ignore you when he's in the house, happy to let you deal with everything yourself. He is NOT unhappy that you didn't ask for his help. Think about it - how would he have responded if you had? - I bet he would have found reasons not to. Or delayed, to keep you dangling, or told you how wrong you are for asking, or needing him ...
What he IS unhappy about is that you asking a friend brought his selfishness into public view.

Well done for posting, because this is very far from normal or reasonable, & you need support in navigating & understanding the dynamic underlying the way your H treats you.
Are you starting to get a sense of how unequal your marriage is? Of how he holds all the power, while you walk on eggshells trying not to set him off?

You don't have to live like this OP. he is abusive, & the fact that he was still harping on at 2:45am, keeping you awake with his display of anger & contempt ... that is extremely abusive.

Sounds awful Op.

My husband would be glad that he had been saved a job.

He's no less of a man because he admits what he can't do & is able to pay others who do have the knowledge/skill if necessary.

Your husband is a dick.

Is he like this otherwise? Does he have any redeaming features. I would be mortified in this situation and, if not some odd one off, not be with someone who behaved like this.

You’re just another MNer married to a twat. There seems to be an abundance of them (twats) and they’re all married to women who can’t stand up for themselves.

I bet OP could stand up for herself just fine before this controlling arsehole dedicated a few years to grinding all the self-esteem out of her.

Wow. This is completely out of order. I'm guessing this is actually embarrassment that your friend has been privy to how little he is around / engaged

I'm kind of glad he flew into this rage in front of your friend @fledup, because maybe you can lean on her a bit for support? He's abusive, 100%, and ridiculous to boot.

This was posted in August, I hope the OP has managed to start getting her ducks in a row since then.

Yeah I just cottoned on to that too Pixie.
Probably resurrected by the new MN feature of 'other threads that might interest you' AKA Oooops We Didn't Think Of That Zombie Creator ...

However I hope OP is ok, & might come back to her thread if she feels it will help her.

@Iknowthis1

Did you come here via the "you might also like" feature?

This thread is from August - I expect he has stopped sulking now.

Go and see your friend. Let her tell you how abusive he was having a go at you in front of her, he thinks it’s so normal to do so he did it with witnesses. Let her tell you what she thinks of him. If he has a problem with you, then take this opportunity to leave.

He’s angry because he embarrassed himself. Point that out to him and tell him to stop digging himself into an even bigger hole.

does he check every thing with you before doing or ordering it? Even stuff where you are more knowledgeable than him? If he buys the wrong thing, do you get in a rage with him? I’m guessing the answer is no.

the house is your house too. If you choose to try and fix a door or pay a tradesman/woman to do it or ask a friend to show you - it’s no worse than him doing it himself (without checking it with you). His behaviour is unacceptable and toxic.

No you did not.

If you must, explain why and tell him to put a sock in it.

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