Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mistakenly asked friend before I asked DH for help

122 replies

fledup · 12/08/2022 02:14

I was struggling with some DIY today. A good friend of mine does a lot of DIY and has done the type of DIY I was attempting today.

My husband works a lot and is always preoccupied even when he's home ( which is rare ). My friend and I were texting anyway so I asked her what she thought I needed to do for this particular part of the project. She popped round later to show me and my husband was angry that I didn't ask him. He flew into quite a rage, actually and embarrassed me in front of my friend and called me stupid. He said I should have not asked anyone else but him.. first.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 12/08/2022 07:58

OP
His ONLY reaction should have been to say thank you to your friend.
He owes you a grovelling apology

rumred · 12/08/2022 07:59

Sounds very much like a misogynistic bully.
You did nothing wrong. Ltb frankly

FabFitFifties · 12/08/2022 08:04

I've just read your update again and realised you posted at 02.45. Was he seriously still at it then? Very abusive behaviour. Are there children in your house?

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 12/08/2022 08:09

What a twat. I bet if you start thinking about it he is actually abusing you in other ways too. This isnt the way you treat someone you love.

Huntswomanonthemove · 12/08/2022 08:10

What a precious, immature dick. You are not being unreasonable, he is with bells on.

Original poster
fledup · 12/08/2022 08:20

FabFitFifties · 12/08/2022 08:04

I've just read your update again and realised you posted at 02.45. Was he seriously still at it then? Very abusive behaviour. Are there children in your house?

He was annoyed about it again / still.

It's been a bit of a nightmare. I really didn't mean anything by doing what I did.

He's just using it to take out his other frustrations on me. Apparently he's not happy with how I am with him in general and this is just another example. I'm not going to put up with being humiliated again though. I did tell him that much.

OP posts:
Onandupw · 12/08/2022 08:24

Op that is seriously abusive behaviour.

Your husband is abusive

you do deserve this

do you have children? Are you financially independent on him?

call womens aid today and talk to them about options

Onandupw · 12/08/2022 08:24

Oh my god

you DONT deserve this!

awful typo!

in no way is this your fault

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/08/2022 08:26

You have done nothing wrong and your husband is an entitled and insecure dickhead.

I hope you know this?

I assume if he behaves like this about something so completely trivial he also thinks of himself as your “Lord and Master”. And that this isn’t an isolated incident.

In your situation I would be making plans to leave. Do you work and have any money of your own?

CatsandFish · 12/08/2022 08:26

You should tell him that you are not happy he is never home and is an absent husband when he is. Forget the DIY, your marriage has far more problems than that.

orbitalcrisis · 12/08/2022 08:30

@BreadInCaptivity I saw the word vet in your comment and my brain immediately went to having him neutered to calm him down a bit. It might work...

SmileyClare · 12/08/2022 08:30

Your friend sounds great. Maybe you can confide in her about your abusive husband?

The fact that you were questioning yourself when he flew into a rage and belittled you tells me he's regularly emotionally abusive and its been "normalised" to you.

Seeing his behaviour through your friend's eyes has given you a fresh perspective.

You don't deserve to be treated this way x

billy1966 · 12/08/2022 08:38

Onandupw · 12/08/2022 08:24

Op that is seriously abusive behaviour.

Your husband is abusive

you do deserve this

do you have children? Are you financially independent on him?

call womens aid today and talk to them about options

Absolutely this.

You have a nasty abuser on your hands.

Honestly if he starts up again, ring the police and get him removed.

If he was still on at it last night at 2am, he is highly abusive.

He's a waster who is never around and his ego thinks you should wait for the great man to deign to be around.

What a nasty prick.

Have you anywhere to go?
Could you ask him to leave?

He sounds so awful.
Have a hard look at your life.
You poor woman.

You know this is NOT normal behaviour?

Ixpen1 · 12/08/2022 08:39

This man's behavior is absolutely abnormal. And the fact that he can't and/or won't let it go is abusive. This is such a minor issue to have brought on such a major hissy fit! It sounds like he wants to isolate you from other people so definitely take this as a red flag! If you don't have children yet then you may want to consider keeping it that way because this sort of treatment is definitely worth considering a divorce over.

bloodyunicorns · 12/08/2022 08:58

You did nothing wrong at all.

He's an emotionally abusive, aggressive, gaslighting horror.

He should have been pleased and thankful that you sorted the DIY thing. Instead he embarrasses you on front of your friends and is more banging on and on about it.

LTB.

RudsyFarmer · 12/08/2022 09:11

You hurt his masculinity I fear. Nothing worse than that 🙄

SIUUU · 12/08/2022 09:14

Can I have her details so she can come do my DIY?

Your husband, being the typical male, thinks all DIY tasks should be the "man's job". As a man, if someone wants to come do my DIY for me, I would be over the moon.

Your husband needs to get over himself and stop being a wet wipe (I am being polite here)

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2022 09:15

I fail to see the point of your marriage. Sounds like you'd both be happier without each other.

NoSquirrels · 12/08/2022 09:16

He’s a twat.

Tell him he’s free to take his unhappiness with how you are in general elsewhere, so he doesn’t need to be unhappy any more.

Think yourself well rid.

Sowhatp · 12/08/2022 09:17

Is his manhood always this fragile? Does he also have a cry if you manage to open jar lids without him

Herejustforthisone · 12/08/2022 09:40

You did nothing wrong. The fragility of the male ego never fails to astonish me.

Your husband is firmly in the territory of ‘nasty, abusive cunt’.

Blowthemandown · 12/08/2022 09:41

@fledup “when you are home and I ask you, you never help. So what’s the point of asking when you’re not? I needed help ‘then’ not later. And don’t call me stupid because you’re embarrassed that my friend thinks I asked you and you said no - we both know you wouldn’t help anyway”

howdidigethere · 12/08/2022 09:42

Thing is, he doesn't do the DIY because he's not there/has other priorities/CBA yet when you take a proactive choice to get stuff done he doesn't like it. His masculine pride is hurt that you showed him up as being inadequate in some way. And asking a woman too!

He'll probably now use this an excuse not to do any DIY at all. You can't win with people like this. He's an arse. Consider your position OP.

notanothertakeaway · 12/08/2022 09:48

I'm good at DIY

If I went away for the weekend and my DH asked a friend to help him do a task, I MIGHT think (a) wish you'd left it for me to do better or (b) why ask your friend for help, not me?

Far more likely, I'd think (a) well done having a go and (b) kind of the friend to help

There's no reason for him to go on and on about it. I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg

katishot · 12/08/2022 09:51

Awful.
I had similar behaviour from my ex (note EX). I live in a country where you have to change car wheels for the winter. He used to kick off every single time. He was always out working/drinking/doing hobby but insisted he would change the wheels on my car, never managed to get them done in time and it's a legal requirement after a certain date to have the winter wheels on.
So I said if he wasn't able to do them in time I'd take the car to the garage and get it done there (costs €30 and takes max 45 mins from start to finish). He kicked off every time screaming and shouting at me about it. Saying I'd humiliated him. It's an embarrassment to him that I'd take the car to the garage to have it done when I had a man at home. Everyone in the village would laugh at him etc.
Every. Fucking. Time.
Took me a long time to extricate myself from that relationship. Someone kicking off about things like that (and what your DH did in your OP) is not a good sign. It is not a healthy relationship.
Now every time I take the car to the garage (twice a year) for the wheel change I smile as I'm so thankful I don't have to put up with abuse like that just to get wheels changed.