Mistakenly asked friend before I asked DH for help

[fledup]

I was struggling with some DIY today. A good friend of mine does a lot of DIY and has done the type of DIY I was attempting today.

My husband works a lot and is always preoccupied even when he's home ( which is rare ). My friend and I were texting anyway so I asked her what she thought I needed to do for this particular part of the project. She popped round later to show me and my husband was angry that I didn't ask him. He flew into quite a rage, actually and embarrassed me in front of my friend and called me stupid. He said I should have not asked anyone else but him.. first.

Why does your title say 'mistakenly'? It wasn't a mistake, it was intentional because it was the sensible course of action.

Tell him you asked your friend because you can actually rely on her to be there whereas he's hardly around, so if he wants you to rely on him he should show you that you can.

Your husband should be your ex husband

He feels emasculated. He’s now made his problem yours so you feel shit.

twat.

I hope you are not going to apologise or try to appease this man child. If anything you should be angry at him for making such a show of himself. Shocking behaviour.

Poor you and your friend. How horrible for her to find herself in the situation. Did she tell him to fuck off after calling you stupid? I would have if you were my friend.

You did nothing wrong. Even if he were kind to you and often present it would be fine for you to ask a friend over to help you with something. It's fun to do DIY with a friend. It's fun for the fri3nd to pass on skills they worked out. It doesn't have to have anything to do with your husband.

A spouse is supposed to be someone you choose to share your life with because you both make each others live better. Does spending you short life with this man make your life better or worse?

You haven’t done anything wrong, he has completely overreacted and clearly has a sensitive ego issue. It’s unacceptable to treat you in that way, whether that be in front or your friend or behind closed doors. All he needed to say, when you were alone is that he would prefer you come to him about those type of things, in a calm and respectful manner! It’s really not that hard. Don’t accept responsibility for his bad behaviour

Going on and on all night? He’s bonkers and very overbearing.

Don't let him make you feel like you've done something wrong, you haven't. Stand up for yourself and tell him you won't be spoken to like that. He sounds like a right twat.

No you haven't done anything wrong. He's overreacted to a trivial thing.

You have done nothing wrong. He is behaving dreadfully. What are things like for you generally?

Yup.
What's going on there?

What was the job?

maybe he was extra tired yesterday due to the heat and lacked control

One off?
His usual no?
Backstory?
Drip Feed?
Your relationship?
Life with him?
Your happiness?
Is this his usual?

He got his nose out of joint so had a hissy fit. Couldn’t stand that a woman showed you how it’s done. If he’s never at home, I bet he still wouldn’t have shown you how to do it.
He’s an embarrassment.
I hope he’s stfu now? 🤔

He sounds like a complete and utter dickhead. Ignore his tantrums. I hope this isn’t his regular type of behaviour OP.

If my husband asked a friend for help with something I consider myself really good at I might be very slightly put out and say "You could have asked me you know." And even that I would know was silly. It would literally be such a tiny thing.

My husband has slightly more of a sense of pride about being able to do certain things, and I have known him be a little put out when I have asked him to do something and he hasn't helped me quickly enough (in my opinion) so my mom helps me instead. But even then, he is just a little put out. Might go into a small sulk for 10 minutes or so. Again, even that I think is silly, and him being excessively prideful.

For your husband to take it to the extent you describe is utterly ridiculous.

Is he jealous of your friend by any chance? That's the only explanation I can think of. My husband has a couple of female friends I get a bit jealous of at times (I am trying to work on this as there is really no need for it) - if he asked one of them for help I would be a bit more put out maybe?

Still wouldn't take it to the extent your husband has though.

My husband works a lot and is always preoccupied even when he's home (which is rare)
what do you mean by rare? What does he do and what hours is he keeping?

also, flying into a rage because someone outside the home now knows how little he does is unacceptable.

what is he normally like?

Op you haven't done anything wrong, all you did was ask a friend for an opinion....it didn't mean you was going to do what the friend suggested, it means you were gathering new ideas for your DIY project,

If anyone has come out looking bad in this whole thing it's your husband, he has made himself look like a controlling abusive bully in front of your friend, and I bet your friend will now be worried that he's more abusive to you when no-one else is around , plus the embarrassment and humiliation he caused you by yelling at you in front of your friend and getting angry with you,...who is he to decide who you can and can't ask opinions from?...op do not apologise,....he is the one that owes you and your friend an apology and he seriously needs to change his ways if this is his normal behaviour,

You can ask who you like. Your husband sounds like a prick. Tell him to get a grip, grow up, and stop shouting at you. If his advice was that much better than everyone else's advice, then people would be flocking from all over the world for it. They're not.

Typical sexist man's reaction I'm afraid.
You hurt his manliness - men are supposed to DIY, right?! Err no, anyone can do it.

Tell him he upset you and that DIY is not his or any other man's domain and to stop being sexist.

OP his reaction was completely out of order. Obviously he felt you had humiliated him but it sounds like he’s never there and is never a help.

I think you need to ask yourself why you didn’t ask him for help.

The way you describe his reaction is genuinely worrying and I wonder if you are quite safe.

He is a prize idiot. Sounds like my ex.
I hope he has got over himself and apologised.

He sounds unhinged. You were in no way unreasonable. You need to get that clear in your head, because unless you leave him (preferable), you are otherwise going to let him think he can behave like this every time you do something perfectly normal that he decides he doesn't like.

You need to tell him very clearly that there is literally no reason why you shouldn't have asked your friend, and that you absolutely will not be spoken to like this. If you feel too intimidated to stand up to him...well, that shows that this is a relationship you need to get out of asap.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re just another MNer married to a twat. There seems to be an abundance of them (twats) and they’re all married to women who can’t stand up for themselves. Ignore him and go about your business. Don’t defend or justify yourself, ignore and he might go away.

Give him a massive list of chores you want doing.

It will keep him out of your hair and you are only following orders.