Mistakenly asked friend before I asked DH for help

[fledup]

I was struggling with some DIY today. A good friend of mine does a lot of DIY and has done the type of DIY I was attempting today.

My husband works a lot and is always preoccupied even when he's home ( which is rare ). My friend and I were texting anyway so I asked her what she thought I needed to do for this particular part of the project. She popped round later to show me and my husband was angry that I didn't ask him. He flew into quite a rage, actually and embarrassed me in front of my friend and called me stupid. He said I should have not asked anyone else but him.. first.

Your husband sounds like an idiot.

But if he’s not there, how are you supposed to ask him?

He sounds embarrassed that your friend know he left it up to you to sort out.

Is he a twat in any other areas? x

Okay....

Do you have to get him to vet every decision you make?

Otherwise it's a Penis Priority Presumptive (aka PPP) medical alert.

Symptoms: arrogance, belittlement, gaslighting

Cure: a shot of LTB ( Leave the bastard). Efficacy increased by a dose of self esteem and further doses of self worth supplied by caring friends and family.

What's your AIBU?

You obviously know your husband is a dickhead.

Seriously no. He's still angry with me and how I have embarrassed him and has been going on and on all night, that I'm finding it difficult to see the wood from the trees and I'm starting to believe I did something seriously wrong, by not asking for his help first.

What @BreadInCaptivity said.

Embarrrassed him? WTF? My dad ran his own building company. I worked for him over summers. I've yet to know what the thiny ma jig is actually called. When I managed to hang curtains alone my dad was proud.

Your H is clearly emabarrassed that he has not shared his skills with you like a real partner would.

It's an ego thing - by you asking your friend for help, he thinks it looks (to your friend) like YOU think he wouldn't be capable of the DIY thing, which is a major male ego marker. So he's taken it as a public insult.

How he reacted to you was not ok.

He embarrassed himself. Tell him to be more reliable in his contribution so he becomes more of a forethought.

Sorry, it sounds like he embarrassed you. It also sounds like he is gaslighting you and controlling you. Why shouldn't you ask your friend? What would have been his likely response if you had asked him? I'm expecting that he would probably have been "too busy". He's on to a real winner calling you stupid. Give him the elbow, you deserve better than that. Amaze him by how quickly you can get the locks on the front door changed.

Or as a PP said, that he thinks it looks to you friend like you have already asked him for help but he didn't help and has left you to sort it yourself. He doesn't want to be seen as inadequate in the male provider/fixer of all problems/ supreme-being department.

But again either way, his reaction is not ok.

Can you at least get him to do the diy now that his pride is all hurty wurty because he’s a crappy partner? And you take that time to think about how to tell him clearly he’s not present in your relationship, he’s not supportive in your relationship, and he loses his shit when you look for some actual support so you’re wondering why you should keep calling it a relationship.

You know this isn't normal, right? To call the person you're meant to love "stupid" and to go "on and on" about something that really doesn't matter?

Is this massively out of character for him, or is this par for the course in your relationship?

He embarrassed you in front of your friend and he insulted you. You are entitled to ask who ever you want if u need advice. I would be having a serious talk and expecting a full apology. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Does your husband often talk to you like a piece of shit 😱

He called her stupid, in front of her friend, and is still raging. She needs to tell him a lo more than that, starting with Get and Fucked.

It's one thing to be upset about something ridiculous, we've all been there, it's another to be an abusive piece of shit.

You damaged his male pride. I'd tell my DH to fuck off if he spoke to me like that. That's DH of almost thirty years, fantastic at DIY and has a tool for everything. He wouldn't be offended.
He's a chef and I recently asked a DF to help with an event. In the end both helped but I asked the friend long before I mentioned it to DH.

He's rarely home (hmmm) and he abused you and called you an idiot. Sounds like you don't have much of a marriage. I'd be asking why he's rarely home, and not worrying about the DIY incident so much. I would not tolerate him rarely being home, and not being 'there' when he is.

Tell him you don’t have time to
nurse his fragile ego

Is there a history of similar behaviour? How long have you been married/to gether? You know this is not OK OP. Do you have children?

Tell him to get over himself, he is being a right twat. My DH would be delighted I'd asked someone about DIY and not involved him!

DIY does not = man thing. I'm not sure why anyone thinks it does!

What @Christinatheastonishing said:
It's one thing to be upset about something ridiculous, we've all been there, it's another to be an abusive piece of shit.

My DH might well be a tiny bit embarrassed in this situation (as might I if he asked someone else for help to sort out a computer problem or maths calculation). Never in a million years would either of us react with rage and throw around nasty words.

Feeling hurt is no excuse for him to mistreat you like he did.

I would say, if he knew how to do it, why hadn’t he done it himself

What you did was completely normal, especially in the circumstances.

Your DH’s reaction and behaviour are not normal. Or acceptable.

Has he reacted like this before?

Is he often like this?