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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your 12yo see the body of a relative?

125 replies

MunchMunch · 11/08/2022 08:49

I won't post any other details other than the facts, or comment on this thread in case it gets picked up by a journalist.

12yo really wants to see the body of a close relative at the funeral home. I'm unsure, dh says no. I don't want to make the wrong decision, I won't ask anyone irl as they're involved and I think their decisions will be based on their emotional feelings on letting a 12yo see a body.

YABU - let them go, maybe good for closure. Their decision etc

YANBU - don't let them go, lots of reasons why it could be a bad idea.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
MunchMunch · 11/08/2022 08:50

I should add the deceased looked peaceful so not trauma to take into consideration.

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 11/08/2022 08:51

Yabu, at 12 it's up to them if they've had a conversation about what to expect beforehand. We should foster a society that's less afraid of death, imo.

Curious as to why you think a journalist would be interested in this question.

CornishGem1975 · 11/08/2022 08:51

No, but only because my own experience of seeing a grandparent like that (and I was an adult) was not great. They looked nothing like they did in life and that's now my everlasting memory. Wish I hadn't gone. I didn't get anything from it.

SwanLake66 · 11/08/2022 08:52

It's a very difficult decision and I have no idea whether I would let my 12yr old but as an adult when I saw my MIL it was the first time and I freaked out. I didn't like it at all and it really upset me. Not sure I would do it again tbh. So I think it depends on the child's personality etc. Do they want to?

georgarina · 11/08/2022 08:52

Let them. At 12 you know what is important to you. If you don't allow them they might feel they were not allowed to say goodbye.

Context is important - how close was this person to them? Why do they want to see the body?

AmbushedByCake · 11/08/2022 08:53

Yes, its fine. In Ireland the body comes home and remains in the house for a day or two before the funeral and everyone comes to pay respects. It may be shocking and sad for the 12yo but not traumatic, and we shouldn't pretend that death isn't part of life. I'm sorry for your loss.

MaggieDragon · 11/08/2022 08:55

Some of the child bereavement charities have guidance on this that might help

www.winstonswish.org/should-children-view-the-body/

www.childbereavementuk.org/information-viewing-a-body-with-a-child

Original poster
MunchMunch · 11/08/2022 08:55

Perfect28 · 11/08/2022 08:51

Yabu, at 12 it's up to them if they've had a conversation about what to expect beforehand. We should foster a society that's less afraid of death, imo.

Curious as to why you think a journalist would be interested in this question.

No other reason apart from the fact the journalists love to pick up threads from here and then post them on their Facebook page for everyone to pick over.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 11/08/2022 08:55

I wouldn't force a 12yo to see a body if they were reluctant but if they have asked to see, as you 12yo as, then I think they should be allowed. Just be with them when they go

3peassuit · 11/08/2022 08:57

I’m Irish and it’s normal for even very young children to say their good byes to the deceased. As a child I never found this odd or scary and my own children have have seen their grandparents laid out and looking at peace. It helps a child understand and accept death as a part of life.

FunsizedandFabulous · 11/08/2022 08:57

I wouldn't, no. I have never attended a viewing because in my opinion, they won't look the same as I remember and if I did go that would be my last memory, of their body being presented in a strange place. It would change things for me. My dad asked me if I wanted to "view" my nan when I was 16 and I thought, no way.

In my opinion, bodies should be disposed of ASAP, and we remember the person by telling stories, holding onto their possessions and looking at photographs. We carry on their legacy. Quite a humanist approach (though I don't regard myself as a humanist now, more a staunch atheist).

Lunaboo · 11/08/2022 08:57

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss.

I come from a culture where our deceased loved ones are brought home for a period of time and all family and friends gather to pay respects, discuss happy memories, support immediate family and view the body, including children. So, for me I don't see a problem with letting them go to see their relative. As PP said, discuss what to expect beforehand and support their decision but I don't see the need for an outright refusal.

CatsAreCrackers · 11/08/2022 08:59

If they want to, please let them. My cousin died when I was about that age and I wanted to see him to say goodbye and my mum wouldn't let me. I still resent her for that decision.

SuperCamp · 11/08/2022 08:59

I would never pressure anyone to see the body, but since your 12 yo has pro actively asked I would support them to do so.

Gently tell them that they will look different from alive.

I think… being upset is OK. It is upsetting. Presumably the loss of the relative was upsetting. To my mind sadness and grief are a healthy response to the loss of a loved relative. Being denied the outlet or process of that, less healthy.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 11/08/2022 09:00

I saw my mum's body as an adult and found it very disturbing. All the elasticity had gone out of her skin and the way it hung on her face was so unnatural. To be fair due to the way she died she had to be examined by a coroner etc before going to funeral home, so I don't know if someone more 'recently' deceased would look different - but she didn't look 'asleep' or 'at peace', she look dead and it was not pleasant. Took a while to 'unsee' for me and let the memories of her alive come back.

I think you should explain to him he may find it disturbing, they won't look like they used to, and ask them why they want to see the body. If they still want to after that, you should let them, but be prepared for them to be quite disturbed and to help them with that.

Mothstoaflame · 11/08/2022 09:01

I'm sorry for your loss.
If this is someone your DC really loved, then I would suggest saying no. It might be the last memory your child has of this person and might even really upset them. My mum was 16 when her mum died and she went to see the body and was very traumatised by the experience. Consequently my mum always made us promise that when she died, she didn't want anyone viewing her body. When she did pass away, we honoured that.

Everyone is different though! But I'd personally be concerned that this could be a really upsetting experience.

Original poster
MunchMunch · 11/08/2022 09:02

Yes he wants to go but like a pp I saw my first body when I was an adult and I also freaked out because to me that person wasn't the same person I saw when they were alive.

I have seen a couple of other family members bodies since then and at first (as in immediately after death) I was ok but again once in the coffin it wasn't them.

It is his uncle who he was close to.

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 11/08/2022 09:02

Have you described what it’s like seeing someone who’s died? People do often look peaceful, but I never agree when people say they look like they’re asleep. They don’t and it’s not the same. This is a memory that will stand out for your child for the rest of their life.

Id let your dc go, but only after a long talk about it and what to expect. Death is a part of life and should be treated as such. I’d also plan to be in and out quickly, guided by you to avoid going in and then having that feeling of ‘now what?’ I think that’s what I’d be most wary of, a feeling of awkwardness while they’re in there, because that’s not a feeling that you want to stay as a memory for your child. Plan to leave a note or say something in particular, ask your child to think about wether they think they’ll want to touch their relative and what that would feel like.

Maybe one of the children’s bereavement charities will have advice about things to think about.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 11/08/2022 09:03

Maybe, if the request was strongly driven by them and they knew what to expect.

I saw a the body of a relative after they had died (peacefully, at an old age) and didn't find it all comforting. I think I had expected them to look like they were asleep, but for me that didn't wasn't at all how it felt. Since then I've chosen not to view the bodies of deceased relatives including my parents and have no regrets about this.

I think you also need to think about how you are most likely to react, and the effect of this on them. If you'll be very upset to the point that you'll find it hard to support them, maybe not.

SuperCamp · 11/08/2022 09:03

FunsizedandFabulous · 11/08/2022 08:57

I wouldn't, no. I have never attended a viewing because in my opinion, they won't look the same as I remember and if I did go that would be my last memory, of their body being presented in a strange place. It would change things for me. My dad asked me if I wanted to "view" my nan when I was 16 and I thought, no way.

In my opinion, bodies should be disposed of ASAP, and we remember the person by telling stories, holding onto their possessions and looking at photographs. We carry on their legacy. Quite a humanist approach (though I don't regard myself as a humanist now, more a staunch atheist).

I am of your mind when it comes to bodies. You didn’t want to see your Nan, I didn’t see my close relative after death.

But this 12 year old is not teenage you. They have asked to see the body.

Surely their way of dealing with loss should be respected just as yours was?

ApolloandDaphne · 11/08/2022 09:03

We allowed our 3yo DD to see her 5yo sister when she died. In her words she said 'it looks like Dsis but it it isn't Dsis' which was very perceptive. I think it helped her to realise her sister was definitely gone. We also allowed her to come to the funeral. I don't think there should be any mystery around death. As long as she has support and can leave at any time I can see no reason why a 12yo shouldn't see the body of a dead relative.

Benjispruce4 · 11/08/2022 09:03

DDs( were 11&14 and saw my DM shortly after she died in hospital and that felt right as she had only just died and they had visited her earlier that day so she looked the same, just asleep. I went to see her at the funeral home and it upset me as I could feel the cold radiating from her. Silly really but my DM hated the cold irl. Also, seeing her in the coffin was just so upsetting to me.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/08/2022 09:04

AmbushedByCake · 11/08/2022 08:53

Yes, its fine. In Ireland the body comes home and remains in the house for a day or two before the funeral and everyone comes to pay respects. It may be shocking and sad for the 12yo but not traumatic, and we shouldn't pretend that death isn't part of life. I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree.

clpsmum · 11/08/2022 09:05

No I wouldn't

elizabethdraper · 11/08/2022 09:07

Absolutely
Death is a part of life and nothing to be scared of

We have always brought children to funeral homes. My youngest was 4 when my mother died

They were brought to the hospital to say goodbye, then to the wakes and funeral

They were encouraged to kiss/touch granny

All the kids were there.

It is wrong to make it a big taboo

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