Would you let your 12yo see the body of a relative?

[MunchMunch]

I won't post any other details other than the facts, or comment on this thread in case it gets picked up by a journalist.

12yo really wants to see the body of a close relative at the funeral home. I'm unsure, dh says no. I don't want to make the wrong decision, I won't ask anyone irl as they're involved and I think their decisions will be based on their emotional feelings on letting a 12yo see a body.

YABU - let them go, maybe good for closure. Their decision etc

YANBU - don't let them go, lots of reasons why it could be a bad idea.

Thank you

My grandmother died when I was in my early 20s and I asked my mum to let me go with her to the hospital mortuary (funeral abroad) to collect my DG’s body and then make our way to the church. Objectively I am still glad I did it but nonetheless I was and am still traumatised by how she looked. My hands were shaking so badly that my own mum had to comfort and steady me and she was devastated herself with her loss. I don’t think a 12 year old would be able to cope with the reality of what they would see. Even if the body looks peaceful, it can still be very different to how the person looked when they were alive. Grief can be unpredictable as well - I was struck with the force of my feelings when I saw my DG. It was very difficult for me to accept and still is.

I had exactly this experience. It was the first body I'd seen, I was an adult (my DGM) and I 100% wish I hadn't gone

I would let a 12 year old choose after explaining what happens when you go into the room etc

I would support them in viewing the body and saying their goodbyes. It's what feels right to them and for many people seeing the body is part of the acceptance stage of grieving.

If they want to and you have seen your family member and are sure they look at peace then I'd say yes let them.

A 12 year old is able to understand and while they may regret the decision if it does upset them then it shouldn't be too traumatic.

I'd not seen a dead person before losing a parent recently (I was sat with them while they died and then we had to wait at home for a doctor sign over and the funeral home to collect them)

It wasn't the horror I'd worried about. But also it haunts me to remember them laid their so lifeless. But in a funeral home I'm sure it would be a little nicer and their mouth will be shut etc. (It's the open mouth that haunts me for some reason)

I went to visit my brother in the funeral home when I was in my late 20s; it's such a weird, surreal experience and I don't think I'd do it again. I don't feel like I benefitted from it and for a long while afterwards I had really awful dreams about it. He didn't look like my brother; he'd also had a post-mortem which was really obvious (though they tried to make it less so) The room he was in was so tiny that there was no time to 'prepare', as soon as they opened the door bam, he was there - I think I've watched too many US films where they're in a large room and you walk up to the coffin, there was none of that.

As they've asked I'd probably let them, but I would make sure they were aware that it's not always a comforting experience and they can't unsee it if they find it too traumatic. How would they feel about visiting them with a closed casket?

I agree with this.

As you can tell from the mixed responses there's no way to 100% know how he'll react to either seeing the body or being denied the right to see it. Your best route here is to respect his ability to choose for himself. Ultimately he has to navigate through his own grief and removing his choice is likely to make that harder on him.

My grandmother died when I was that age. I had the opportunity to see her body and chose not to. I don't regret it but I am glad I had the choice and my parents didn't make the decision on my behalf. I would imagine most 12 year olds would be able to decide for themselves.

When my mother in law died unexpectedly, my 11 year old daughter and I were the only 2 people who went to see her body in the hospital room. She was absolutely fine and I think saying goodbye like that helped both of us.

I would have a conversation with him exploring why he wants to go, what it might be like, feelings that might come up for him and what the person might look like.

If after that he still wants to go, I would let him. Death is a part of life.

I also don't think other people's personal experiences of seeing/ not seeing their relatives are very helpful in this scenario - this is extremely personal to your son.

I last saw my father when I was four at the funeral home. I am forever grateful I was taken to see him and his body was not kept from me. He was still my dad and I look back on the memory often. Possibly because I don't have many anyway but in no way did his body upset me. He looked so peaceful. I am happy I have this memory.

I personally really dislike death being kept from children and that includes bodies of decreased loved ones. Of course this is something I could never of avoided as a child can't be hidden from a primary care giver death.

I appreciate some people saying they didn't have a positive experience but this 12 year old is asking to say goodbye this way. Prepare them as best as you can by explaining they may not look the same and support them to develop healthy grieving. If the experience has a negative effect seek therapy so they can explore their emotions and learn to navigate loss.

I grew up going to wakes so it doesn't seem unusual to me to bring a twelve year old to a final farewell. I don't think that death is something that must be kept away from people (obviously trauma is a different matter). I think that one of the greatest expressions of love and compassion is how you treat a loved one during and after their time of passing. They are utterly dependent on you to take care of them properly after they have gone and that includes not being reviled or frightened by them. That's your loved one and what they look like is what happens when we die.

I would not. I'd let them see the casket with photos of the deceased on the top.

The body really doesn't look like the person, it's haunting. They look very dead.

I personally don't think a child should not be put through this, even if they want it. It's better they have that memory of how the loved one was was when they were when alive.

I appreciate different cultures have different ways so it depends on your culture and the ways of your family.

Could they help decorate the coffin in some way as a final goodbye?

I wouldn't. I have seen one body (as an adult at a Catholic funeral) and I found it really heartbreaking- much better to remember them alive. I found it distorted my memory of them for years.

I saw my grandmother after she died when I was 13. I am glad I had the chance to see her. It was obvious she had "gone" but she looked very peaceful.

My children and both my sister's children were in the room when my dad died. Ages 2-14. It was peaceful they were fine. We knew he was about to die it just happened a bit more quickly than we expected.

I don't know about actively taking a child to see a body in a casket. Feels a bit removed, child might think it will be fine and end up upset.

I saw my mum’s body in my 20s. They told me she’d look ‘asleep’, she didn’t.
even now, years later I think about it, wish I hadn’t seen it.

Same here. It was heartbreaking and really scared me even though I was 24, the memories still haunt me

I think if it’s the child’s choice and you prepare them. First body I saw was as an adult and it was a friend. Didn’t make me feel any better, I thought it was a bit like looking at a waxwork.
And be prepared for them backing out at last minute, it’s all ok whatever they choose.

I didn't even know this was a 'thing'

Not sure why anyone would want to see a dead relatives body

But your 12 year old has asked to do this so I would lean towards saying yes. But really get through to him it might be upsetting as it's not something you can un-see

Should add that when DH died in an RTA the funeral director advised me not to see him, told me to remember him as he was. It was strange as even before he was brought to the FD I’d had a very strong feeling that I shouldn’t see him.

I was 13 when my Nan died, my sister was 11. We where given the choice after it was explained what would happen. I chose to go and see her (and have done other relatives since) my sister chose not to (and hasn’t since)

neither of us regret our decision but we are both pleased that we where given the choice to make for ourselves.

Because in his last months and weeks DH looked ravished by his cancer and disfigured by the stroke he had, in death he looked at peace. It was reassuring to see him finally peaceful.

I’d explain they might find it upsetting but I’d let them do it. Just let them know they can leave the room at any time. My dad ahh my ways told me not to go and see dead bodies as that’s a memory you’ll always have. I didn’t see my grandpa as he hav give very blue around his face from a lack if oxygen, I didn’t see my gran or dad either and I’m glad. I saw my fil as he was in a hospice and he looked dead, not asleep-there was a definite part of him that was gone. Mil was reluctant to leave, she went to see him the next day before he was taken to the funeral
home (DH wouldn’t go in and neither would I) she was really shaken when she came out. She went again at the funeral home and he looked better than at the hospice she said as they had obviously ‘prepared’ his body.

I don’t think this is appropriate for a child to be doing. If he was an older teenager or an adult then I’d let him decide, but as he is 12, I think it’s up to you tell him no.