Would you let your 12yo see the body of a relative?

[MunchMunch]

I won't post any other details other than the facts, or comment on this thread in case it gets picked up by a journalist.

12yo really wants to see the body of a close relative at the funeral home. I'm unsure, dh says no. I don't want to make the wrong decision, I won't ask anyone irl as they're involved and I think their decisions will be based on their emotional feelings on letting a 12yo see a body.

YABU - let them go, maybe good for closure. Their decision etc

YANBU - don't let them go, lots of reasons why it could be a bad idea.

Thank you

I felt I 'should' view my Dad's body. I am not a brave person and got the shock of my life.

My DS was 11 when my dad passed away very suddenly. They were really close.
DS was adamant he wanted to see his grandad to say goodbye - my ex-DP said I shouldn’t take him (he was abusive and did everything he could to wreck our relationships with my family, so I knew it was more about that than actual concern for DS)
I’d seen my dad twice by that point - once at the morgue, and once at the funeral home, so could explain what to expect, etc. and knew my dad looked better after the preparations at the funeral home.
We went into the chapel together, it was very peaceful. I kissed my dad’s forehead and told him I loved him, then DS asked for a few moments alone with my dad, so I stepped just outside the door. Afterwards, DS and I had a big hug and a cry together. It helped us both, I think - and he tells me to this day he is glad he got that chance.
If they’re asking to go, I would let them - just let them know that if they change their mind whatsoever or can’t handle it when they’re there, it’s all okay. 💐 to you, OP - sorry for your loss.

No.

She needs to be told with absolute clarity that the relative will not look like they looked alive.

If she still wants to go, absolutely let her. It has to be her decision. Better to have regrets over something you chose yourself rather than something you were told you weren't allowed to do, surely.

They can make their own decision about this, and clearly have. Death is part of life, in my culture, as others have commented, the deceased comes home and friends and family visit to pay their respects, kiss the dead person, chat. Funeral is after this. It’s lovely. The kids are there, and have a healthy attitude to death too.

DD said goodbye to her grandmother after death. Her face and body were covered but her hand was uncovered so DD could hold it. Then she asked to see her face so we let her, and she was fine. It was upsetting but not traumatic because we spoke to her about what to expect beforehand. She was 7 at the time, and understood death

I agree with this. But people from my maternal background would normally do this. Interestingly, my beloved granny died when I was 4, and my father wouldn't allow me to see the body or go to the funeral (it was his mother) because it wasn't his culture. I am 64 years old and I have NEVER forgiven him for it. I may have been only 4, but I knew what I wanted and depriving me of saying goodbye to her has not been forgotten in any way.

But so many adults here have said they were traumatized as it was their first experience of death. Whereas those who saw dead relatives as children seem to handle the experience much better.

Quoted the wrong post there, sorry. I was trying to quote the poster who said it should be left until adulthood.

I actually found it helpful in a strange way, it was confirmation that they were no longer there and the fact that they didn't look "like themselves" anymore made me think their soul was no longer there, so it was just their body left behind. I know that sounds strange but it was just where my mind went. It's not shocking, just sad.

The first time I went to a cremation (I was 16) I was unexpectedly horrified by the curtain closing and knowing the casket with my friend's dad in it was about to be cremated.

When my grandfather died the following year I went to see his body, mainly to reassure myself he wasn't using it anymore. The fact he didn't look like himself (although very peaceful) was actually reassuring. The no-longer-needed body was respectfully cremated and I could easily picture him as he was when he was alive and well.

Since then (almost 40 years ago) I have been to only two more viewings as support for other people. I don't find it useful for myself now, but that viewing of my grandfather was necessary and quite formative.

I was at family funerals at a similar age. It’s a normal thing here though. The closing of the coffin is in my experience the hardest part of a funeral it’s so final.
I would never force a 12 year old child but if it’s something they want to do I wouldn’t stop them.

My son was 9 when my gran died and still now, almost 10 years later he regrets that he wasn't there at the end (we decided it was best if he went for a walk with other relatives in the final minutes) so I'd say yes you should go with their wishes.

That’s a very difficult situation. If it were a very close relative and the death was extremely sudden/the child wouldn’t accept they had passed without confirmation- I’d certainly give it some thought. If I thought it was merely due to morbid curiosity I’d probably say no. It really would be down to child’s personality and reason for wanting to view.

I did decide to see a close relative after they passed as an adult and it gave me closure. So as a concept I’m quite open to it. But the body definitely didn’t look like the person when they had lived.

And yet still that might have been for the best. You can think the alternative was preferable in hindsight but equally the child could have been there, been traumatised and then in retrospect wished they hadn’t.

I was given option to see my older brother when I was 11 and decided not to. My sister was 9 and decided she would. Neither of us regret our decision and we're glad we had the choice. He had been in an accident so it was unexpected but he didn't have any visible trauma.

No - but it's a personal decision

Same here in the Netherlands. My son was 10 at our most recent visit to a say goodbye to a dead person and he found it comforting, albeit sad of course.

Certainly not. However, I know mine wouldn’t want to though. So my judgement is crowded.

In Ireland people go to viewings of people they barely know. In the UK not so much.

if she wants to I would take the child, however question why first. Act in reverence, No photos etc

Sorry, I think that was a quote fail, supposed to be a reply to @AmbushedByCake

No I wouldn't. I have no sesire to see a dead body either

Yes definitely. I very much regret not seeing my father as a child, or being permitted to attend the funeral.

My grandfather died when I was about 6, and my mum gave me the option to see him just before he died. He wasn't dead at this point but was at home ready to die. The family were all taking it in turns to go and say their goodbyes, my mum spoke to me about it and let me make the decision. I said I didn't want to, and that I just wanted to remember him as he was and I'm so glad I got to make that decision for myself.

At 12 I would definitely say give them the option but talk to them maturely and truthfully about how it may feel for them to see a dead relative. They are probably quite curious.

Hope you are all doing okay

At my grandad's funeral the coffin was open at the house and my father suggested I should look at him. I was about 8 at the time and there was a chorus of objection from the female relatives but I did look for a minute or so. I wouldn't hesitate to enable a child to do the same.